How to Cope with the Sexual Addiction of Your Husband

Are you having a difficult time dealing with your husband's sexual addiction? Are you unsure on what you can do to cope? To help understand what type of impact sexual addiction can have on a martial relationship and for tips on coping with the sexual addiction of your husband, I have interviewed psychologist Jonathan Hartiens, Ph.D.

Tell me a little bit about yourself.

"I am a Clinical Psychologist specializing in individual, couples and family therapy. I own and operate Christian Psychological Services in Martinsburg, WV. I have over 15 years of experience and developed an expertise in the treatment of Depression, Anxiety, and Addictions.

In addition to being a prominent therapist, I am a frequently invited to speak at national conferences and to general audiences on addiction treatment. I am a Certified Clinical Addictions Counselor (CCAC) in WV which is the highest certification bestowed by the WV Certification Board for Addiction and Prevention Professionals. I was on the medical staff at the VAMC Medical Center, Martinsburg, from 2001 to 2011 where I worked for 9 years at the Center for Addiction Treatment; three of those years as it's Director. I've authored and been awarded several grants to expand the range of addiction treatment into rural areas. I served as a Navy Psychologist from 1994 to 2001. I completed my doctoral internship at National Naval Medical Center in Bethesda, MD and later served at Naval Hospital Groton, CT and at Naval Air Station Sigonella, Sicily."

What type of impact can a sexual addiction have on a martial relationship?

"Let me first say that officially, there is no clinical diagnosis of sexual addiction, at least not yet. There is a lot of discussion about categorizing it as a psychiatric condition in the next revision of the mental health diagnostic manual. However, there are a lot of parallels between compulsive sexual behavior and addictive behaviors associated with pathological gambling and chemical dependence. As a result, we can apply a lot of the tools in treating other addictive type disorders to the area of compulsive or addictive sexual behavior. When I use the term sexual addiction, I am using it as a concept to describe a compulsive sexual behavior or set of behaviors that are progressive and lead to greater consequences or loss of control.

When sexually addictive behavior develops in a spouse, the damage can range from making the partner feel devalued and disrespected, to loss of trust, to all out divorce. In fact, reviews of divorce statistics compiled by family attorneys in 2009 found that 56 percent of divorce cases involved one party having an obsessive interest in pornographic websites, while 68 percent of divorce cases involve one spouse conducting an affair with someone they met over the internet (Family Research Council, 2009). That's not to say sexual addiction was the sole reason for divorce in these cases, but it certainly is an increasingly contributing factor or a barrier to reconciliation.

Even when divorce is not pursued, wives lose trust in their spouse. The sexual component of the relationship greatly suffers. Some spouses feel compelled to confront while others hold it in, hoping the problem goes away on its own, only to find out later the problem only gets bigger."

Where can a husband's sexual addiction stem from?

"There are several factors, which contribute to sexual addiction. First, is the age of initial exposure to sexual material. Research indicates that men with sexual addictions typically are exposed to pornography between ages 8 and 13, prior to puberty. They experience the rush of excitement and adrenaline from exposure to sexual material, but lack a healthy understanding of sexuality to guide them in understanding their own reaction. Sex is simply a physical experience associated with a visual ideal of what someone should look like sexually. Boys at that age lack the capacity to understand sex as a relational behavior between two people.

Another factor, which contributes, is the explosion in accessibility and ease to pornographic websites and the increase in sex-related businesses. While the internet is a wonderful tool in general, the technology has essentially mainstreamed pornographic websites and videos. On internet searches, "sex" and "porn" are the two most common search queries according to search engine data. Additionally, there are a number of websites people use to make casual sexual liaisons easy, hidden, and quick. The accessibility and proliferation of sex related websites on the internet, combined with our culture's increasing tolerance of extramarital sexual behavior are just a few of the factors which aid the increase in sexual addictions.

It should also be noted that sexual addictions are no longer exclusive to men. While men are the greater culprits, more recent data indicates about 20% to 25% of those with sexual addictions are now women."

How can someone cope with their husband's sexual addiction?

"The first step is to confront the problem. This is not just a sexual problem but an honesty one. I rarely know of couples in which both partners are open and honest about one's pornography use or extramarital sexual behavior. Remaining silent only makes the problem worse because it reinforces, inadvertently, the husband keeping secrets. Second, outside help from a professional is clearly advisable. Often, a spouse will confront and receive a promise from her husband that he won't act out anymore. However, she typically finds he is unable or unwilling to fulfill his promise. Outside professional help can provide education, accountability, and the tools necessary to abstain from further addictive behaviors. Couples need to learn what the function of the addictive behavior played in their relationship. Not learning the function of the behavior will not allow them to find out a more healthy way to fulfill that same function, and the husband will return to the behavior.

I highly recommend that an outsider, such as a professional counselor be contacted. The circumstances can easily become so emotionally charged that neither spouse is able to navigate out of the mess that sexual addictions create."

Thank you Dr. Hartiens for doing the interview on how someone can cope with the sexual addiction of their husband. For more information on Dr. Hartiens or his work you can check out his website at www.christian-psychological.com.

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