How to Cope when Your Significant Other is Miserable at Work

You've worked long and hard to get where you are at work. For the first time, you actually almost enjoy your career. This is what you've been waiting for. There's only one problem.

Even though the word "Monday" doesn't make you cringe anymore, you still hate Sunday nights. It's like clockwork. As the weekend winds down, your wife or girlfriend starts snapping about petty little things, gets a headache or an upset stomach, or bursts into tears for no obvious reason. Or your boyfriend or husband starts ranting and raving about his job and the idiots he works with, gets irritable about every little noise or interruption, and sits listlessly staring at the TV instead of enjoying the dinner you made to share out on the deck at sunset.

Having a partner who is unhappy in his or her job can be almost as stressful as being miserable in your own work situation. Obviously, the fact that the person you love spends so much time doing something that makes him or her miserable upsets you. We want the ones we love to live happy and fulfilled lives, especially when we share those lives intimately.

But let's be honest. The other side of the coin is that living with someone who is unhappy can make your life miserable too. He or she brings home the stress and frustration, and may inadvertently take it out on you. She can't help but being jealous of your happiness with your career. He has no interest in doing the things you always enjoyed together, because he's always sulking about his lousy job. Every little inconvenience outside of work puts her in a crabby mood, because she's already boiling over with tension. You can't get him to lift a finger around the house, because he guards his few hours away from the job like precious jewels.

So, how do you cope when the one you love is so unhappy at work that the work-related emotions are impacting your home life and your relationship with each other?

Let Him or Her Vent

After your own long day at work, the last thing you want to hear about is someone else's job. Evenings and weekends are for the rest of our lives, not for obsessing about work.

But when your partner is unhappy at work, expressing frustrations is an important step in working through the issues. You may not want to hear about how his boss is a dictatorial jerk or his co-worker is an egomaniac for the hundredth time. But venting can release stress and tension. Bottling up negative emotions only exacerbates them. If your partner can't let them out by talking to you, they may manifest as unwarranted anger over other, petty things, like poor service at a restaurant or a relatively minor breakdown of a household appliance. Instead of talking about what's really bothering your significant other, you'll end up fighting over something stupid.

Set Limits on the Venting

You want to listen, be supportive, and know what's going on in your partner's head. But you don't want to let his or her work issues be all you ever talk about.

Venting is healthy. Obsessing isn't. Other areas of your relationship will suffer. Not only that, but if all your partner does when not at work is complain about working, then he or she never really gets away from the bad situation.

Set reasonable venting guidelines, and make them mutual. "Okay, we commute together, so our ride home is our time to complain about work. But once we walk in the door at home, the work talk stops and we get on with the rest of our lives." Or, "Let's have coffee together in the morning and get our worries about the work day ahead out, but evenings are for other things." The specifics of your arrangement can be whatever works best for you as a couple. But stick to them, and make sure you leave other room to talk about and actually do the other things that are important to both of you.

Put Yourself in Your Partner's Shoes

If it's been a while since you've been in a miserable work situation, it can be easy to forget just how awful it can be. But when we spend most of our waking hours at our jobs, it is very difficult not to let them impact how we feel about life in general.

Being truly unhappy with your work can make you feel meaningless, unfulfilled and downright trapped, especially if your financial situation, skills and background, or the job market in your geographic area or career field make it difficult to make a change.

Don't wallow in misery with your partner. But do try to understand how their situation can make it difficult to be their normally pleasant, loving and happy self outside of work. Try not to take his or her mood swings personally or add the pressure of assuming "it must have something to do with you."

Help Your Partner Pinpoint What Is Causing Discontent

Handled in the right way, your venting sessions with your partner can be productive. When we're stressed or frustrated, the emotions can be so overwhelming that it becomes difficult to pinpoint what specifically is causing them.

Ask questions that help your partner identify exactly what it about their work life that is causing distress. Does she no longer find fulfillment in the actual work she's doing, or is it just that mismanagement or lack of resources are creating unreasonable amounts of work? Is it the nature of his job itself or personality differences with a boss or co-workers? Is it that her work isn't challenging enough, or is it too challenging? Is he bored, or overworked?

Helping your partner define the issues that are causing unhappiness can help you both take steps towards improving the situation.

Don't Underestimate or Belittle Situations

I work in a fast-paced, high-stress, understaffed environment. On any given day, we're bombarded with customers and juggle responding to their needs with moving too many projects forward.

My boyfriend, on the other hand, works in a production environment that doesn't involve interacting with clients or customers. Oftentimes, his work is slow-paced and he's faced with hours of downtime on the job. Going home would mean forfeiting his hours, so he ends up stuck there with nothing to do.

He complains about his job. I complain about my job. Sometimes, after a particularly grueling day of demanding customers and ridiculous deadlines, I wonder what he's complaining about. The solitude and slow pace of his work environment sound like heaven. He, on the other hand, has spent the day being bored and under-challenged. He's been watching the clock and pacing like a zoo animal in a cage. He's so sick of not being able to use his talents that my whining about being constantly challenged is hard for him to understand.

When you're dealing with different sets of issues at work, it can be easy to unconsciously belittle the other person's situation or underestimate how bad it really feels to them. Your own burden seems much worse.

Avoid the urge to one-up your partner or blow off his or her set of stresses as "nothing compared to yours." Use each other's experiences to acknowledge that "things are tough all over," but don't compare them. Instead, work together to help make things better for both of you.

Encourage Other Outlets

You can be your lover's number one fan and support system. But you can't bear the entire brunt of their job dissatisfaction yourself. In order to get through it, he or she will also need other outlets and support systems. Help identify them and encourage them.

Suggest that your partner seek advice from understanding family members, friends, or others in their career field. Help him or her create a blog or journal to write out emotions, set goals, and celebrate small victories. Forward work humor sites or other online pick-me-ups to your partner throughout the day.

One of the most important things someone who is unhappy at work can do is to focus on interests that help them maintain peace, balance, health and happiness outside of work. The best thing for your guy might be to join a community sports league after work to blow off some stress. Your girl might want to join a yoga class or book club that helps keep her mind off her work. For you, that might mean a little less "couple time" or extra time flying solo with the kids. Encourage and support it anyway.

Also do what you can to make your partner's off hours happy. Take the time to plan and cook her favorite meal, even if it isn't your top choice. Go see that action movie he's been dying to catch with him, even if you're sure it's going to be dumb. Plan a surprise romantic evening at home or weekend getaway. Do that household chore she hates doing, or bite your tongue when he makes a mess in the kitchen and doesn't clean it up.

Be a Change Agent, but Don't Be Pushy About It

Venting, releasing stress and making life outside of work as happy as possible are all important. But ultimately, your partner is going to have to make some changes in his or her life if work is causing true unhappiness.

This change could be any number of things. Maybe it's a new job. Maybe it's advocating for improvements in the current workplace. Maybe it's just an attitude adjustment.

It will be up to your partner to figure out what needs to be changed, and up to you to support and encourage those changes.

If your partner is unhappy with the kind of work she does, encourage her to seek career counseling to help figure out what's next.

If the end result of evaluating the situation is that your partner decides to seek a new job, support him or her along the way. If you're the better writer, help her with resumes and cover letters. Help him network and get the word out about his availability. Share interesting job leads. Celebrate each interview.

When your partner gets discouraged, give her words of encouragement and a gentle nudge. Job searching is frustrating, especially when you hate your current job. But don't be too pushy in your efforts to get your partner out of a bad situation. Avoid nagging him about applying for every job lead you or someone else sends his way.

Don't Put Up With Ongoing Anger and Neglect at Home

Your partner has every right to expect your encouragement, support and understanding. Someone you love should even be able to expect you to forgive them for not being their usual wonderful self.

But no one, not even the one you love most, should expect you to tolerate constant anger or neglect at home. If in spite of your best efforts your partner's work situation remains the overriding factor in your relationship, then you'll have to express your own hurt, concerns and needs and work to set realistic expectations.

Avoid Being Selfish About Change

If your partner handles his or her job dissatisfaction in a productive manner, then you may both end up embarking on a time of exploring new possibilities. The changes you'll consider as a couple might be a simple as rearranging your outside activities or as complicated as a major relocation.

For example, let's say your wife reflects on her situation and discovers that what is really causing her stress isn't the work she does, but the people in her work environment. Her attempts at resolution are unsuccessful, so she finds another job doing the same type of work with a different organization. Her old company was right around the corner from your child's school, and now she's got an hour commute in the opposite direction. In order for it to work, you'll need to take over getting your child to school.

There's no doubt that this change adds some inconvenience to your life. Your extra time at work in the morning helped you start the day on the right foot. But in order to help her escape a situation that makes her completely miserable, you need to compromise.

Now, let's consider a different situation. Your husband has worked in finance all his life. He's never really been happy in this career field, but the high pay allowed you to stay home or just work part-time while the two of you raised your family, so he stuck it out. Now, your children are almost grown and his dissatisfaction with the job is getting the best of him. He wants to pursue his long-standing dream of working in landscaping, or computers, or whatever. But the pay is less, so you'll all need to live more frugally to make it work.

You work out the budgets and decide that it will be difficult, but doable. There's no doubt that living on less is downright scary when you're used to having a lot of extra money. But if the tradeoff involves him living out his working years in a career that makes him stressed and depressed, then you need to consider bucking up and making some sacrifices of your own.

When a partner makes a career or job switch, it will almost certainly impact your life. It could mean more or less money. It could mean a change in your schedules or divisions of household labor. It may even involve relocation. But if you love someone, you'll be willing to make some sacrifices and take reasonable risks.

If you've got a great job yourself, have built your dream home together, and live near all your closest family and friends, then your spouse asking you to move across the country so he can pursue a new job may be selfish or unreasonable. Instead, focus on helping him find something closer to home. But if you have no overwhelming attachments to your current hometown or career, then maybe a new start in a new place is the perfect adventure for both of you.

Expect your partner to be realistic and fair about the changes that need to be made. But make sure you're doing the same yourself. Advocate for changes that will make both of you happiest, but don't dissuade your partner from pursuing a dream for purely selfish reasons such as inconvenience or your own fear of change.

Relationships are often about compromise. And although work and our personal lives are separate entities, they can't help but impact each other. With patience, understanding, and a realistic willingness to make changes or take risks yourself, you can help your partner move towards having a satisfying and fulfilling professional life.