How to Cope with the New York City Bedbug Invasion

Could the bedbug invasion which has struck North American cities be an Al Qaeda plot? If not, it is certain to give terrorists something to laugh about as the bureaucracies of many American cities struggle with mixed emotions about the destructive hitchhikers. One begins to wonder if psychiatrists are needed more than health officials as many communities pretend not to notice there is a bedbug epidemic sweeping across America.

New York City is at the vanguard, however, so don't fret. After three years of battling the bedbug infestation with such mighty efforts as posting helpful hints on the New York City Health Department website, the borough of Queens has passed a "bedbug bill," according to a story in the Queens Gazette. The story is a fast read, at six whole lines, but it's a start and comes with the news that Mayor Michael Bloomberg (of downtown Mosque fame) will soon sign a bill creating a "Bedbug Advisory Board." So there, governmental critics!

Lest you think that Mayor Bloomberg and New York City are slow to act, let me warn you that such criticism is unwarranted. Lifting one line from the six line story, I point out that the Bedbug Advisory Board "...in nine months is supposed to give recommendations to the council on how to prevent infestations or eliminate the bedbugs." Take that, bedbugs!

The bedbugs seem not to be waiting around for the Bedbug Advisory Board to provide recommendations. They are hitchhiking everywhere, lurking in the folds of clothing, rugs, briefcases, gym bags, purses, pockets, pouches, and just about anywhere they can catch a ride.

Traveling like germs, the bedbugs might follow on your flight to Cincinnati or Toronto, both of which already have significant infestations. Some bedbugs will meet and mate in airport baggage claim areas, the bedbug version of those reprehensible and too sleazy "nuptials in flight."

One can expect quick action for New York City now that the New York Post reports that an infestation of bed bugs has occurred at the New York City Health Department offices a few blocks from New York City Hall.
"Bugs Bite at Health Offices" tells how the blood sucking pests have taken the elevators to the 8^th floor of 346 Broadway. If you think law enforcement is immune from attack, consider that the New York Post story also tells of the unexpected vacation ordered at the John Jay College of Criminal Justice when bedbugs took over 3 floors of the college.

Health officials everywhere are telling complainants to take precautions but not to worry excessively. For both psychological and economic reasons, it is best to go into Denial Stage Defcon VI, much as the Obama administration did when news first surfaced of the Christmas Bomber. Considering that the bugs are multiplying with the speed of a nuclear reaction, it will be difficult for Janet Napolitano to claim that the bedbugs are a "one-off" as she's inclined to say when America faces a terrorist act.

Forever the optimist, I can see some benefit to the bedbug infestation in that we won't see so many unemployed lawyers. Just consider the giant office where you work, staffed with employees from top executives to the mailroom clerk. Where does the custodian live, by the way? Who shared the limousine with you? Who is it that brought in the bedbugs? Will President Obama, effecting a noble pose for an outraged liberal media, issue a stern condemnation of "bedbug profiling?"

Surely, someone will eventually be wrongly accused and lawsuits will fly. The CEO will never admit he brought bedbugs with him from Darien or Greenwich. He will blame the lavatory attendant at his club. In the brouhahas which follow, the top executives, being able to hire top lawyers, will naturally win out but that doesn't mean all is lost for the pizza delivery guy who stumbles into the mess during lunch breaks. With major name-brand companies and institutions coming down with the bug, it will be a cinch for anyone to find lawyers to handle class action lawsuits aimed at the deepest pockets.

So don't worry so much. Everything will work itself out, just as it did in Iran. You haven't yet heard anyone in Winnemucca complaining of bedbugs, have you? That's a jam-packed city of 7,174 people, you know.