How You Could Be Scaring Your Teenage Driver Too Much

I finally realized what I had been doing when my15 year old son said to me, "Don't you have any faith in me at all?" He was responding to my constant and pervasive anxiety every time he got behind the wheel. Clearly I wasn't giving him the support he needed. Normally, I was this kid's biggest cheerleader. I always championed good grades, hard-won races, and basically every single effort he ever made...except when it came to driving. Compliments were few and far between. And sitting next to a sweating, white-knuckled ball of nerves wasn't exactly giving him the confidence he needed.

I knew my approach wasn't working. But it wasn't until an objective retired police officer really set me straight. He ran a driving school, and took our son out on the road a few times right before the driving test. After meeting me, the instructor said to my son sometime during the lesson, "You are a saint to have to put up with your mother!" I knew he said it half in jest, or was there a lot of truth there? I guess I really was just a blubbering over-protective mother, wrought with anxiety.

From the beginning I set out to turn our son into a serious driver. And maybe I scared him too much in the process. I kept telling him about every single car accident involving a teenager that I had ever heard of. And I went into great detail describing the accidents. Pretty soon, he wisely began to tune me out. I decided I desperately needed to change my ways, or I was going to have a teenage driver who (a) was seriously afraid every time he got behind the wheel, or (b) would drive everyone everywhere, except me! I came up with a new plan that ultimately worked.

What to Say (And Not Say) to Your Teen Driver:

• Be supportive and cautious at the same time. You don't have to shout for joy every time he makes a great left turn, but don't cringe and yell the second he gets too close to the car in front. Remember, it takes time to learn to drive. You don't master it over night.

• After you take him out on the road, discuss three things he needs to improve on and three things he did well. That way you don't completely focus on the negative.

• Try to find someone who is less emotionally involved to take him out. You don't have to pay a retired police officer, but if your child has a favorite uncle or family friend (who also happens to be a very responsible driver) then let them go out for a spin. Objective feed back will help you and your teen.

• And most of all, don't beat yourself up. You'll make mistakes; as we do in all aspects of parenting. Just try to be as supportive as you can, without being overly critical.

My son eventually turned 16 and got his license. When I watched him drive away for the first time alone, I sensed a confidence I had never seen in him. And I guess it's because the state of Missouri said he was good enough to drive, and that's the only approval he really needed.

More from Marie Dubuque:

My Life with a Teenage Driver

How to Get More Hugs from Your Teenager

Can You Talk to Your Teen Too Much about College?