How a Couple Handles Money Tells a Lot About the Marriage

Couples in conflict come into therapy believing they know what they are doing wrong. Easily they say to me, communication, sex, and money. The sex is usually pretty easy to figure out - one person is satisfied and the other isn't. Communication takes a lot of work but they are usually aware that they aren't really listening to what the other has to say. But money is seen as just an issue of not having enough. Usually there is a whole lot more to money in a marriage then just that. Money gets to the core of the marriage far more than anything else. And as I work with couples they find that much of the communication and sexual problems are rooted in money.

THE EXPECTATION OF FINANCIAL PARTNERSHIP

Women's lib may have helped women in the workplace but not so much in marriage. Today's husband expects his wife to work even if she wants to stay at home with her kids. And women who want to stay at home often feel guilty because they don't have aspirations to be more. No matter how successful a husband may be when the marriage begins to have problems she will hear that she's been an albatross if she hasn't worked. During happy times he gladly agrees to support her. When things go bad it's one of the first things he will complain about. Though he hadn't mentioned it before he has harbored resentment because she wasn't working and it comes out as they approach divorce. That resentment was never communicated and the unspoken anger affected their sex lives.

DO YOU REALLY TRUST YOUR MATE?

You have separate checking accounts and decide who will pay which bills. Years ago it was assumed that couples would have one checking account and today the couples who really trust each other still do. But more couples are choosing to keep their money separate. When couples who come to marital therapy have separate money it is a clear indication of a lack of faith that the marriage is going to last that the commitment to the marriage is not total. It's easier to make a quick escape if you know you will have access to your own money. Years ago my father lost his job and my mother was distraught. She said she would feel so much better if they only had $10,000. Dad pulled out a saving account he had been secretly keeping. She was relieved and happy. It never dawned on her that he was keeping it for anything other than a rainy day. Today a wife would be furious and that he had been hiding money from her.
I'm often told that one person used to handle the bills but really messed it up and so the other now has to do it. By keeping separate accounts they can't overdraw the other's account. If that stops the overdrawing then a lack of respect for the other persons assets must be assumed.

YOU BOUGHT IT EVEN THOUGH YOU KNOW WE CAN'T AFFORD IT

Assuming no one has an untreated Bi-Polar disorder and is spending money during a manic episode, large purchases should be discussed and agreed upon. If all of the families assets are joint then every purchase affects the financial situation of everyone. One person may be a saver and the other a spender, but a good marriage is one in which negotiation takes place. Since loving couples care about the feelings and opinions of the mate these issues are worked through and clearly decided upon. When money is spent that the couple cannot afford despite the expressed opinion of the spouse it means that there is a lack of respect for the marriage and the mate. It may be a result of selfishness or immaturity but either way it won't work well for the marriage. In this case the purchase says that you are not going to be controlled by your mate. And an angry mate may go out and make an equally unaffordable purchase to retaliate. Money is now an issue of power and control.

It doesn't matter how much or how little money is involved. How a couple handles their finances is a reflection of their commitment, trust, and power and control issues. How money will be managed after marriage should be discussed and agreed upon prior to saying "I do". It doesn't mean that future renegotiating might not be needed but you can get a good idea about how your intended feels about the relationship by listening to how they propose to handle money after marriage.