How to Crash a State Dinner on "The Real Housewives of D.C."

"Bonnie and Clyde."

"Plastic, not fantastic."

"Lint Lickers."

Oh, wait, that's an Orbit commercial. Well, the Salahis got just about every other name in the book thrown at them, as their party-crashing reached dangerous levels on tonight's episode of "The Real Housewives of D.C." I may start referring to Michaele as Cuckoo Kelly's twin sister (Cuckoo Salahi?), since she too is all about spreading rainbows and lollipops. When your back isn't running into her knife, that is.

Scant else happened tonight as we got a blow-by-blow account of the Salahis as they rolled toward infamy. Stacie happened to call Michaele in the limo to invite her to dinner over the coming weeks and Michaele gushes about being on the way to the State Dinner. Stacie, while excited, shrewdly observes that "[DNC Chairman] Tim Kaine didn't even get an invite," and wants to know the details about how the Salahis wrangled a way in. As usual, Michaele rambles on in nonsensical circles while Tareq sits there with a stupid grin on his face. Later, the Salahis muse about how it's too bad they couldn't get Stacie and her husband an invite this time around, but next time, next time.

Clutching their id's, the Salahis march up to the first security checkpoint, where their names aren't on the list, but indeed get waved through by the gal "standing guard." The next day, the Salahis ogle the pictures they took, including Michaele manhandling Joe Biden and "straight grippin'" Rahm Emanuel. They get a text message about a "Washington Post" item about how they crashed the party and laugh it off as gossip that will blow over in a day or two.

The other Housewives have a field day as the debacle goes international. Cat is smug yet horrified, Stacie doesn't want people to think she's anything like them and feels duped. Mary likens them to Thelma and Louise laughing as they go over the cliff and wonders whether or not they plotted it. Lynda wants to them to go to jail and they all think the Salahis need to relocate to New Jersey or California (well, there is an opening with those broads over on "The Real Housewives of New Jersey," now that they've thrown water on Desperate Danielle.) Stacie leaves a light and cheery message for Michaele reiterating her dinner invitation and determines she wants to hear the Salahi's side of the story.

Cat becomes a casualty in the war, as she is disinvited from the White House Christmas party due to her "association" with the Salahis. I hope her husband showed his solidarity and stayed home that night, but I doubt it. Charles and Cat snipe at each other and she demands he "sharpen some bloody knives." The better to stab him with, I suppose.

The wives, sans Stacie, but with gay Housewife Paul Wharton, convene at Lynda's to watch the Salahi's non-testimony in front of Congress. Lynda and Mary are unforgiving, while Paul defends Michaele and lays the blame squarely at Tareq's feet. They all agree Michaele should give Tareq the heave-ho and Lynda thinks she should waitress, while Mary suggests "Playboy," - with padding. Serious padding.

Stacie hosts dinner at her house, except for Lynda who "won't get out of bed for it," and Mary who is still wounded from the winery. Cat decides she'll go to support Stacie and see what the Salahis have to say from themselves. A frosty Cat calmly sips a glass of wine, while the Salahis breeze in without a care in the world. The small talk and pleasantries commence and a disgusted Cat can take no more. She downs her wine, grabs her coat and proceeds to slam the Salahis for being fake, artificial and a disgrace to America. Michaele won't be in the same room as Cat and follows suit by grabbing her coat. Cat exits (she doesn't go far - she stays camped out on the front porch, having placed a distress call to Lynda) and Stacie and Jason convince Tareq and Michaele to stay. Tareq is stoic as Michaele fidgets while Stacie explains the Christmas party disgrace (which doesn't seem to faze either of them). When Stacie and Jason try to break it down and get real, Cuckoo Kelly's sister will have none of it. She'd rather talk about happy things. So, once again she bolts for her coat and chirps that they are under "strict orders," not to say anything. The Salahis race out the back door into the icy D.C. night.

Next week is the reunion show. Along with the premiere of "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills." Oh dear. Time to get the Bitch wine out of the cellar.