How to Create a Happy Self-Confident Child

Sometimes we forget that the most important goal we have for our children is that they be truly happy. We get caught up in wanting them to learn to ride a bike, learn to read, learn to do long division, learn to treat people nicely, learn about their faith, learn to do a zillion, million things that require some form of measurement on our part.

We may have high goals and expectations, wanting our child to make it to Harvard someday or become a scientist or doctor. We want them to be prosperous and act maturely. We want them to have a spouse and children and a job and all those grown up goals. But at the core of all our wants for our children lies the simple truth. We want all those things for them, because we think it will make them happy.

We forget that happiness grows from children who have learned how to be happy. And it is a trait, a way of being in the world that isn't always learned by our children. We see unhappy children, teens and adults all around us. We read about them in the newspaper and see their sins and crimes on the television screen. Unhappy children grow up to be unhappy adults who can't achieve any of our goals for their life. Or if they do manage to hold on and be unhappy inside and still become a doctor, what joy is there in their achievement.

Can we teach happiness as parents? I believe it's the most important lesson we can teach. In fact, I would dare say, it's the only lesson we truly are capable of teaching. We teach happiness by modeling the behavior ourselves, so obviously if we aren't happy, our children won't learn what it is to be content and joyful and happy.

When we bring home our bundle of joy from the hospital and we embark on our journey with that little soul, we are happy. We're happy until they keep us up all night with the colic and we're exhausted from all the work and slowly our happy faces shift into the often grim reality of the huge responsibility we now have to this little bundle. Are we smiling with joy at every moment?

Probably not, but even then, our teaching has begun, as we attempt to show kindness, compassion and love for our crying, sometimes demanding child. We smile and extensive research has shown that a mother's smile is the most powerful learning force given to their children. We sing gentle songs of love and hope and our babies hear that melody and feel safe and loved and happy.

All this may seem so simple and we take it for granted. But many young parents forget how important it is to communicate love and happiness to their little baby, constantly. Smiling, gentle patting and hugging, holding, rocking, showing love in it's most basic form is the best way of implanting happiness in that baby.

Sometimes it can be very difficult with a unhappy baby!

And then as that baby begins to toddle our happiness teaching must match their growth. We begin to offer the most important teaching tool any parent has in their arsenal. We begin to praise the child. We clap our hands in delight when they take their first steps and we match our actions with words. Look at you! Good girl! What a way to go! Look at you walking, big boy! And they shine with joy, faces lit up as they feel our love and praise. They're happy to be so skillful at bringing that smile to our faces.

The preschooler begins accomplishing new tasks and our praise shifts to specifics. Thank you for picking up your toys so nicely. What a big help you are to Mom. We smile and hug and look for every conceivable way we can to praise both specifics and just in general. They need both. They need to hear how well they did and how great they are.

For every no we have to give to a preschooler, we should be giving hundreds of yes's in praise. The praise has to outweigh the no's that we sometimes must give to keep them safe. I hear the mothers of two year olds complain (as we all did when we had two year olds!) about how many times they have to say no to their child during the day. And so I say to them, make sure you accompany every firm no, with something that the child can do.

For instance, if you have to say no to going out the door to the yard, then gently show them a fun yes by diverting their attention to a favorite toy, story or game. Sit and teach a fun new fingerplay that they can show Dad when he gets home. We had a three year old once, who loved to jump on her bed. She just loved it! But of course, Mom was trying to teach her that beds were for sleeping and that she might jump and fall and hurt herself.

It was a perfect time to teach her five little monkeys jumping on their bed. We sat on the floor of her bedroom and she sang with me and we laughed and hugged each other and talked about how smart she was too learn this new song and how smart she was to know that jumping on the bed could break her head! The bed jumping stopped.

You are the keeper of your child's future happiness. Show him the way by praise, love, joy, hugs, smiles, and words. Don't be afraid that you'll turn them into ego-maniacs who need constant praise. Study and research backs up this theory that children who have been praised often and long are more self confidant, have greater belief in their abilities to do whatever is before them and to face challenges. They believe they can succeed because they have been shown constantly since birth that they can succeed.

Now, obviously, if all your child does is sit on the couch and play video games and the praise you've given says, "What a way to go pushing those video buttons on the controller!", they might be a little less capable of the kind of true confidence and happiness we're talking about instilling.

Because research also shows that the best praise for children as they begin to develop abilities, is to praise them for their effort in any area. Praise them for trying and for working at something. Shift generic praise from "You're so good," to "I like the way you kept trying to figure out the answer to that math problem."

I took my three year old granddaughter swimming this week and she was a little timid about doing the water slides or the sprinklers in the play area. She watched other children but just didn't want to try any of those activities. So we went and sat together in the very shallow end of the children's pool and we got all of our balls and buckets and dipped water and played together and laughed and I told her how good she was at catching the ball in the water and what a brave girl she was for walking out to the middle of the child's pool, holding my hand. I praised her effort to try.

What a difference to the little boy whose father was forcing him to go down the water slide, the boy crying and sobbing and the Dad insisting that he go with him, scolding him for being a cry baby. It's what motivated me to write this article. We must praise our children for their successes and downplay their fears and their faults. What we give attention to will only grow. If we constantly find fault, those faults will grow larger. If we constantly give praise for the good, the good will increase and happiness will grow and your child will become all that you want them to be.

You can print off a wonderful little poster here at Songs 4 Teachers. Put it inside your planning notebook for this fall's work and look at it each day. Look for ways to offer praise to your child this fall for their schoolwork, their chores and their character.