How to Create the Perfect Redneck Halloween Costume

As someone who spent the majority of his life living in Oklahoma, the buckle of the Bible Belt, I can use my personal experience to better inform your creation of a truly authentic redneck Halloween costume.

Before I begin with an outline of key points of redneck attire, a few general notes: cheaper is better. Go to Wal-Mart if possible. If your redneck costume is expensive, you're doing it wrong. It helps if your clothing is worn or looks poorly-cleaned. If possible, wear your redneck costume off and on for a day or two before Halloween (in private of course, so as not to ruin the surprise). Go lie in a gravel driveway. Don't be a hobo, but be decidedly laid-back about the cleanliness of your clothes.

If you're not overweight, do what you can to find unflattering clothes that make you seem more out-of-shape.

Here's a point-by-point itinerary you'll need to follow in order to construct a redneck costume that stands out from the pack in terms of realism and nuance:

Redneck hairstyling
Don't wash your hair for a day or two before Halloween-- once again, you're not shooting for Aragorn hair-- just think in terms of having nothing more pressing to do this week than watching reality TV.

If you're truly determined, grow your hair long out back. You can cut it short out front for the famous mullet. Conversely, you can crop your hair very close. Go for a buzzcut or other militaryesque haircut for a gun-nut look.

Redneck facial hair
If you're a male redneck-to-be, you'll want to consider growing a moustache as part of your costume. The larger your moustache is, the better. Also, be sure not to shave the rest of your face for a few days-- however long it takes you to raise a good crop of neck-stubble.

Sideburns are also an important part of redneck facial grooming-- once more, the larger the better. Think of yourself as an anti-metrosexual.

Redneck Tops
You may be tempted to go with a cowboy shirt, but I'd advise against it. Rednecks tend to show their affinity for westernwear when they accessorize, not when they pick basic items like tops and pants.

What you'll almost certainly be wanting for your top is a T-shirt. Go to Wal-Mart and find a T-shirt printed with a professional racing design or a patriotic logo. If you can find a shirt with an American flag, a bald eagle, or a slogan like "100% American" or "These colors don't run," grab it. Bonus points for anything that includes both camouflage patterning and the American flag.

Lady rednecks are encouraged to wear overly-cute motifts, such as Tinkerbell from Disney's Peter Pan, or slogans like "99% Angel!"

Other good redneck T-shirt designs include trite sarcastic slogans ("Keep staring, maybe I'll do a trick."), anything featuring cowboy iconography, anything advertising country music, beer, or cigarettes, anything homophobic or themed around gun rights, or, if you're extremely lucky in your shirt-hunting, something venerating former President George W. Bush or commemorating 9/11 (but nothing tasteful).

Redneck Pants
One word: denim. Go for something ostentatiously cowboyish.

Other options include camo cargo pants or something more overtly cowboyish than jeans (i.e.- something in cowhide or with chaps) but a threadbare pair of Levis are really about as good as it gets without looking ignorantly caricatured.

Redneck Headwear
If you haven't secured anything camo-patterned yet, now is the time. Camouflage, mesh baseball caps are choice, as are fluorescent hunting baseball caps. If you can, get your hands on a souvenir baseball cap from somewhere like Graceland or Las Vegas.

Cowboy hats will also work, but only if they have lots of dangly silver junk around the band.

Redneck Footwear
Now is just about the right time to start breaking out the cowboy stuff. Cowboy boots, possibly with spurs, will do well. Make extra-certain they're dirty. If you don't want to spring for cowboy boots, a pair of Croks will do the job superbly and are also quite comfortable, I'm told. Be sure to get a few plastic gemstones to stick in the sockets of your Croks.

Redneck Belts
There's no way to get around this one: a well-selected belt buckle (attached, preferably, to a braided leather belt) can make a merely adequate redneck Halloween costume exceptional. The rules for belt buckles are much the same as those for shirts: American flags and eagles are preferable, but cowboy imagery will also work. Bigger belt buckles are better. More overly-decorative belt-buckles are better. Don't get one that's just big and silver, get one that's big and silver and has little bits of turquoise stuck randomly all over it. There's not much more I can say other than that, if you see a belt buckle that really grabs you, you must buy it, and the more idiosyncratic or seemingly illogical the design, the better.

Miscellaneous Redneck Accessories
Here are a few other items which may enhance your redneck Halloween costume. Consider acquiring one of these if it feels like your outfit is missing something.

• A Big Gulp cup filled with Mountain Dew
• A handheld American flag
• A handheld Confederate flag
• A boombox loaded with Toby Keith
• Beer

And now for the invisible and, perhaps, most important finishing touch to your redneck Halloween costumes: your redneck mannerisms.

It would be futile to try to describe the classic redneck accent in the short space of this article, so all I can do is recommend you try to experience the authentic southern accent yourself. If you're lucky enough not to actually live in the American South, try listening to the people who call into right-wing talk radio. If this is too much trouble, listen to Sawyer on Lost and ramp it up a bit.

Rednecks are a highly opinionated people, so it's vital that you memorize a few distinctively redneck talking points. Luckily for you, however, rednecks are frequently ill-informed on the topics they are most enthusiastic about, meaning you probably won't have to do much research.

Here are a few stock redneck opinions which won't let you down:

• Barack Obama is secretly a Muslim
• Gay marriage will rend asunder the fabric of space-time
• Automatic weapons should be purchaseable without screening
• The theory of evolution is a deliberate hoax perpetrated by the liberal scientific elite (Remember, if it were true, it wouldn't be called the theory of evolution!)
• Global warming is a hoax created by the liberal atheistic media
• All religions other than Christianity are, basically, variations of devil-worship
• Any meal is improved by the addition of ketchup

If you've taken half the advice I've provided here, you're well on your way to crafting an exceptional redneck Halloween costume. Remember, on Halloween, you are smarter and more American than those around you. You deserve more candy! Don't take any guff from perfidious liberal trick-or-treaters. God bless!