How a Criminal Affects His or Her Family

Have you ever been driving along and seen one of those bumper stickers that says, "My Child Was Inmate of the Month?"

Sounds quite funny, doesn't it? Most of us want to shout to the world when our child is Student of the Month, but let's face it: The last thing anyone wants to tell the world is that he or she has a child in prison. Of course, the bumper sticker was meant to be a joke, the same way that "My Other Car Is a BMW" is when it's displayed on a ten-year-old Toyota.

The truth is that when a crime is committed, there is more than one victim. Obviously, when a person commits a felony, he or she is not thinking to themselves about how this will affect other members of their families. They are just focused on whatever act it is they are doing at the moment. And surely they are not thinking of the long term consequences of what is taking place. Yet, no matter how far removed they are from the crime, other family members will inevitably pay for it in ways other than being incarcerated.

Can you imagine sitting down to lunch at work one day, when the conversation turns to some crime that has recently been reported on the news? Everyone will chat back and forth, expressing their feelings about what has taken place. Most will have a view on what kind of punishment will fit the crime and how stupid, low or sick the person who has committed it must be. Depending on the nature of the crime, some will have very intense feelings and be extremely shocked, saddened or outraged by it. Now, if you can, imagine being the parent, wife, husband, brother or sister of the person who committed a similar crime, now serving a sentence for it.

The bad part is, that you will have some of the same feelings as the others, the same shock, sadness or outrage. Because of this, you are torn between those feelings and the bond between you and the relative in prison. You want to love them, yet you hate what they have done to someone else. You hate what they have done to your family. You feel guilt as if by association, you are somehow responsible for what happened just because you are related to them. And then you feel anger and frustration toward them for that. On one hand, you want to reach out to your loved one and show them support and caring and on the other hand, you want to just close the book on them and forget they ever existed.

If it is a first time offense and something rather small and petty, it might be easier to "forgive and forget." But in the case of a more violent crime or a repeat of a previous offense, it is much harder to accept that you even know someone who is capable of such things, much less have a blood relative that committed them. How embarrassing and humiliating it can be when asked how a relative is doing that someone has not heard from in a long time and you have to decide between lying, making excuses or telling the truth. The bad thing is, YOU feel shamed and yet you have done nothing to be ashamed of.

Visiting someone in prison is not something anyone can look forward to and is especially hard if you cannot accept or understand what the person did to wind up there. It makes it even harder when you are there visiting and you see someone's small child crying, wanting to know why a daddy or mommy can't come home with them. Even worse, maybe you took a child to visit a parent and it is you who has the crying child. Something like this can make a holiday visit especially painful.

A child of a criminal is especially vulnerable. While most adults would be discreet enough not to mention it if they knew you had a relative in prison, children can be openly cruel to each other. The son or daughter of a prisoner might be teased and ridiculed at school. Friends might shy away and not want to be associated with them anymore. Children will whisper to each other and make such a child feel outcast. Yet he or she has done nothing to derserve this treatment. No matter how much a child might love a parent, they could not help but resent being put in such a situation.

A relative of a criminal experiences a roller coaster ride of emotions, anger, frustration, sadness, guilt, shame, love and hatred. The hatred is not so much of the person, but of their actions. Your choices are limited. There is either depression or denial. Acceptance is not an option. You wonder "what if." What if I had paid more attention to the signals? Could I have said or done something to prevent this? What if I had been a better parent or spouse, a more attentive and supportive sibling? It's so hard to accept that you can in any way be connected to such actions. Yet, you are and there is nothing you can do to change it.

You just have to realize that although you are unwillingly connected, you are not responsible. It may take as little as a good friends shoulder to lean on or as much as professional counseling, but you will get through it, one day at a time.

If you are reading this and you have never been in this situation, but know someone who is, try to be supportive and understanding. And if your child mentions a child at school in a similar situation, try to lead your child to be tolerant and supportive of his peer. You just might make a difference in their life.