How to Date a Feminist

Even in the twenty first century, many guys still cringe at the very idea of dating a feminist. The thought conjures up images of a hairy Amazonian woman constantly ranting about the patriarchy and treating men like they're inherently evil. In my experiences with men, when I mentioned I'm a feminist, they either winced, or said "oh yeah, that's fine . . . so you wanna go Dutch, right?"

Clearly, there are a few guys out there who could use some help.

First of all, get rid of all your preconceived notions now. Feminists come in different shapes and sizes, and the only thing you can assume when dating a feminist is that you will most likely be expected to share power in the relationship. What does that mean, you may ask? That's different for everyone, and how you incorporate gender equality into the relationship may be something you need to negotiate over time. But the main thing going into the relationship, or at least when starting to date her, is that you need to keep an open mind.

Now, the big debate these days is "who pays?" This may be a bit more complicated for you when dating a feminist. While many girls are traditionalists who expect guys to pay for everything and be gentlemen, feminists take a lot of factors into consideration when deciding who should pay for what. It is simple to expect she'll just want to split every bill or have you guys pay for yourselves all the time, but that's not very romantic is it? Paying for yourself is what you do with friends - it's best to solidify the date by having one person cover both of you in each transaction. This could mean you two alternate paying for dates, or maybe one of you buys dinner and the other covers the movie.

Whatever you do, throw chivalry out the window. Get rid of gender roles, and rather than pay for movie tickets or open doors for her all the time because you're the man and that's your job in the relationship. Replace this outdated system with simple respect: if you get to the door first, hold it open for her, but also allow her to open the door for you if she gets there first (and don't run like hell so you beat her do the door each time). Treat her once in a while, and let her pick up the tab and treat you to dinner once in a while.

One mistake guys make a lot is they never plan dates, and they expect the girl to always pick the movie and restaurant. Yes, it's sweet to say "I'm fine with whatever you want, sweetie," but it's exhausting to always be in charge of date planning. It's to be encouraged to let her make decisions once in a while, but there's nothing wrong with picking the restaurant. She won't get mad if you simply say "let's go to _____ tonight" or "hey, let's go see _____" If she isn't too into your idea, come to a compromise. Ultimately, most dates should activities you both enjoy.

The idea of sex with a feminist can be intimidating. And it's true, most educated feminists expect a different set of values in the bedroom. It's time to reform the way you think about sex and to incorporate progressive notions of sex into intimacy. If you don't already, begin to think of intimacy as a group activity rather than a favor. Sex is never owed in return for a good deed performed or gift given earlier. Many feminists, especially those concerned with LGBT issues, see "sex" as an all-incorporating word, not just referring to "penis in vagina" sex, but to a wide variety of sexual acts. Submission should never be expected, though if someone chooses to submit for whatever reason, that's another story. After all, feminism isn't just about equal sharing of power, but also about choice.

Rather than expect to be the one making the rules and deciding how the relationship is going to go, the "policies" of the relationship need to be negotiated. No one should be rushed into commitment or intimacy, whether you two become exclusive and to what extent should be something you two agree upon. Remember that double standards are completely unfair, and the agreed upon rules should apply to you both unless you decide otherwise. The same thing goes for other issues such as how "public" you want to be, how physically intimate you are going to be at any given time, and whether you guys are in a relationship or merely dating. You need to be on the same page, and communicate what you want, but don't expect to make all the decisions while your girlfriend just goes with it.

Bodily autonomy is very important to most feminists. Do not think that just because you're having sex with her, or even touching her, that you have any say over what she does to her body. What she shaves, waxes, plucks, cuts, dyes, pierces, tattoos, tones, or has surgically enhanced is her decision. If you don't like any changes she makes, or if she refuses to make a change you wish to see, you're free to leave. And don't be surprised if she's pro-choice, the vast majority of feminists are, so if you're against abortion, you may want to make that known before you two have sex.

One final note: there's no way one person can speak for all feminists as a whole. As I said earlier, there's no one "right" way to be a feminist. This is to be taken as a guide on how to incorporate gender equality into a relationship, for the guy who has very little experience with feminists.