How to Deal with the Boss from Hell in 10 Easy Steps

Ghost Rider. Despite my lack of respect for the film, I can't deny the lessons it passes down, the most prominent of them being the way Ghost Rider deals with a boss from Hell, and so for those who have not seen the film (I envy you), or just need a refresher (in other words, you blocked it out), I have broken down Johnny Blaze's methodology on how to deal with the boss from Hell into ten easy steps.

Step one: Give him hell. Everyone loves gifts, even the demonic leader of the Underworld, so if you want to try to get off on the right foot with your less than likeable H.D.I.C. (Head Demon in Charge), try to figure/find out what he likes, and gift it to him. Now, I know what you're thinking, that sounds great, but what do you give to the fallen angel who has everything? Well, I say, you can never go wrong with a nice fruit basket. Are plums in season yet?

Step two: Remember the way to anyone's heart is through their stomach. Good food and good times (Dyn-o-mite!) go hand in hand. How else do you explain the runaway success of Hooters? It's the wings, obviously. And the same theory that applies to the success of wings dishing restaurant chains with ironically large breasted baristas (seriously, am I the only person who's noticed that all the waitresses in Hooters restaurants have ample bosoms, and how ironic that is considering a nickname for women's breasts is, in fact, hooters? I mean, they should really try to take advantage of that, cause with that and their excellent wings going for them, their cups would really start to runeth over [pun-sadly-intended]), also applies to employees attempting to bedevil their bosses. Menu possibilities: deviled eggs, devil's food cake, and Hooters wings.

Step three: Play The Devil's Advocate. I assure you, it's a cult classic where he's from. Don't ask me how I know, just bring it up in conversation with him, and watch how much he lights (and lightens) up. Other popular titles include: Rosemary's Baby, The Omen, The Exorcist, End of Days, Bedazzled, Little Nicky, Ghost Rider, and Benji-oh, wait, scratch that. I meant Kujo.

Step four: Remember the Devil's in the details. It's like that old Madonna song Vague. You know, come on, vague-- Hmm, that does not sound right. That may not be the correct title, but whatever. My point is this, if the Devil's in the details, then you've got to be vague in order to keep him out of your business. Basically, you come to work as ill-prepared as possible, because the less you know, the less ammunition he has to use against you. Just remember not knowing is half the battle. What's the other half? That I won't tell you, because he would only use it against you. You're welcome.

Step five: Give him a devil of a time. Do everything in your power to undermine his authority. Think whoopee cushions in his chair, cellophane on his toilet seat, prank phone calls, and revealing to everyone that his favorite television show is Dancing with the Stars. Cause, really, who would sell his or her soul to someone whose idea of quality entertainment is A.C. Slater trying to out dance the kid from Gimme a Break!?

Step six: Demonize him. Basically, if you get in trouble, claim the Devil made you do it, cause there's always someone higher up than your boss, whether it's within the same company, or someone from the government or an outside agency that regulates your industry, and with your boss being who he is, he's probably already on their bad side, but for whatever reason, hasn't been given the boot yet. So, don't let him off the hook when something goes wrong by taking the blame yourself. Always blame shift it up to him. In most cases, it's probably his fault anyway, but even if it's not, all's fair in love and office politics.

Step seven: Try exorcising the demon. I'll admit calling in an exorcist will be a pretty controversial decision. Hiring contractors and/or outsourcing labor sometimes is, but is it really much different than hiring a janitorial service to clean up around the office, or bringing in an exterminator to fumigate, because you have a rodent problem? Of course, not. It's just we in the United States have a stigma about such things, and because of it, we miss out on a lot of what the rest of the world has to offer, like open sexuality in life as well as art, soccer, and the music of David Hasselhoff.

Step eight: Remember idol hands are the Devil's play things. So, obviously, the less work you do, the better your chances of becoming your boss's playmate, and you know what they say, it's not what you know, it's who you know. Therefore, if you're angling for a promotion and/or to be your boss's right hand man, be lazy. Take every chance you can get to slack off, and you'll land yourself a friend, and possibly a spot in high places.

Step nine: Remember Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Wreaking havoc with your boss's love life is the surest way to manipulate you two's relationship to your advantage. If your boss is into you, have an affair with him or her. You'll be receiving the preferential treatment usually reserved for the best workers, close friends and relatives, and brown-nosers in no time. If your boss is not into you, find out if he's having an affair with someone, and use that information to blackmail him. If your boss is faithful to his spouse, then try to entice said spouse with your wiles or find out if someone else already has. Either way, once they're into you, or know you know they're into someone else, then you can use them to manipulate your boss as you wish. If your boss is single and mingling on the up and up, offer to become his wingman, even if you're married, or of the wrong sex and/or sexual orientation, it won't matter, because anyone who's single knows how hard a good wingman is to find, and after you prove your worth to him in that area, you'll pretty much be able to write your own ticket career-wise.

Step ten: Come in with a Devil may care attitude. If all else fails, remember the old adage, If you can't beat them, join them, and do just that. Maybe you're evil. Who knows? I'll tell you who, brown-nose, if you get my drift. If you don't, I'm talking about lackeyism, and, yes, I'm pretty sure I just made that word up. No matter, though, my point is, being your boss's lackey, henchman, or follower may not seem like a step up at first, but, hey, it beats being his whipping boy, and you get to keep your medical and 401K to boot. Plus, you're set as far as living arrangements go in the event of Armageddon. Just think about it. That's all I'm saying.