How to Deal with Bossy In-Laws
When Your In-laws Are Outlaws
I was divorced from my first husband by the time I learned how to deal with bossy people who loved a good fight. My feelings aren't easily hurt anymore, and even though I don't have in-laws to deal with, I've learned how to deal with bossy people. Through my experiences I can help others who have problems with in-laws who seem more like outlaws!
How to Deal With Defensive In-Laws
My former in-laws who loved to argue were very defensive people, but I suppose those two characteristics go hand in hand. I could say something completely innocent, and my in-laws would take something I said completely out of context and assume I was insulting them. For example, when my son first started walking, he grabbed one of my ex mother-in-law's Christmas dishtowels from the kitchen. I told him to give it to me because it looked like a good one. My comment didn't have any underlying meaning, and it wasn't meant to be insulting in any way. I simply didn't want him playing with something that was meant as a decoration.
After a two second pause, my ex mother-in-law responded by saying, "I do have some dishtowels that are good." I was taken completely off guard, and I didn't know how to respond to her defensive comment. I was really shocked since I didn't mean anything by what I said, but my bossy ex mother-in-law responded with hatefulness. If something could be taken a positive way or a negative way, she almost always assumed the negative. I didn't want my son playing with her Christmas dishtowel because I didn't want my child messing up her home, but she didn't understand what I meant. Defensive behavior was something I had to deal with on a regular basis, but this was really nothing compared to some of the other shenanigans I had to deal with in the company of my ex in-laws.
It took me a while to understand why my bossy ex in-laws were defensive toward me, but I finally figured out why they behaved the way they did. This complex wasn't my problem. It was their problem, and their bossy and defensive responses to perfectly innocent comments were caused by a lack of self-worth. They automatically assumed I thought I was better than they were, but that couldn't have been further from the truth. I wanted to be completely accepted into their family, but they were always on guard and continuously misconstrued very innocent comments. I felt like I had to walk on eggshells in their presence and choose my words carefully so they wouldn't be taken wrong.
You Want Me to Do What?
My ex mother-in-law was bossy in more ways than one. She made a great deal of extra money buying and reselling items at flea markets, especially antiques, but she would take anything of value that was free. We enjoyed going to garage sales together, but she asked me to do things I really wasn't comfortable doing. My bossy ex mother-in-law didn't want to ask people to come down on the prices they set, so she asked me to do her bidding.
My bossy ex mother-in-law also wanted me to take things she wanted out of trash cans in a nearby town on garbage day. I didn't mind going along for the ride or helping her in other ways, but I didn't want to take items from other people's trash cans. Even still, I complied with her demands, and I helped her find items she could scavenge and sell. These days I'd have no problem saying no.
Avoiding Insults
Have you ever been verbally attacked by in-laws or other family members when no one else was around? Those who take pleasure in emotionally stabbing others usually do their dirty work when others aren't listening. The moment other family members leave the room, they start looking for ways to cause trouble.
My ex mother-in-law really wasn't insulting, but my ex father-in-law passed out enough insults for both of them. I recall one occasion when I left crying because my feelings had been hurt, and he thought it was hilarious. I never knew when this man would attempt to insult me, I didn't know how to deal with their behavior, and I avoided drifting very far from my husband.
Responding to Insults
These days I know how to deal with bossy and insulting people. I don't allow myself to become caught off guard, and when someone says something questionable, I ask them to explain what they mean. I don't become easily bruised, and I certainly don't sit back with my feelings hurt and say nothing at all. I don't try to run away from the situation either.
If someone else seems offended by something I've said, I correct them in no uncertain terms. These days, if my ex mother-in-law made an offhanded crack about her lovely dishtowels, I wouldn't have sat back and said nothing. I would know how to deal with the situation, and I would have told her the way she took what I said wasn't the way it was intended to be taken. They'd soon learn I wasn't willing to put up with insults, bossy comments, or unnecessary defensiveness from anyone.
Published by Crystal Ray - Featured Contributor in Lifestyle
Crystal Ray is an award-winning freelance writer and artist from the Chicago area. Her passion is interior design, but she also loves entertaining and crafting. She is continually developing unique and creat... View profile
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18 Comments
Post a Comment2 many arguments not enough time. The in-laws wanted us over all the time. They even made us live nearby! My husband almost always did what they said. We had no privacy even in our own home! When alone, they would say what they really were thinking. The sarcasm,manipulation thank God at least no physical abuse! It is important for everyone in the situation to be comfortable. Even more,to be respected. For over a decade I had put up with and allowed my in-laws + husband to make my life miserable. I have been dealing with medical problems which made the situation worse.
I finally chose to distance myself and my kids as much as possible.Once I realized there is nothing to fear, it was easy. Every time a bad experience happened i would stop that communication. Email,phone and personal.It takes practice to undo bad habits. Life is improving and I also have come to terms that if my husband cannot accept my decision, we don't belong together.*p.s.(i only ask my husband to compromise).
Been married to my presiouse wife for 7 years with two beautiful sons, three years old and four mo. old. My in-laws have a successful business that they have been running for twenty-five years plus. They have been blessed finacially very well and it seems that they portray the role well too. I work for my father-in-law and he is very controling and very rude, condesending and indulges in making up things in situations when I make a mistake to proove a poit. He likes to make comments that include "those are my grand children" and "my daughter" in his lectures. He also knows that I am a Christian man who practices supplication and control in these situation so he feels that he can get away with saying things that seem out of line and out of control in a way that sometimes don't even make sense! It also seems as if he is clueless about so many things that he has done wrong and doing wrong. I know he is human just like anyone else too, for the record. everyone makes
hiya,
please forgive me but i am finding it really hard to find where the tips are?!
what am i supposed to do when my mother in law insults me infront of my family? what am i supposed to do when she insults my family when they come around to our house.
I always wanted to live with my in-laws and ive with my mother in law as if she was my own mother.
There are times when she will be in a very negative mood and take her anger out on me when everyone is at work or school. Although she does take her anger out on her children as well, I do not think it is appropriate for her to treat me like this because as much as a daughter in law may try and accept a mother in law as her own .. one thing hard to take in is when they are shouting at you - having a rant at you - or telling you off. The only person i feel has the right to really tell me off is my mother, father, and my husbnd if i have done something innappropriate.
It has now gotten to a point where I really do not wish to make an
In the past year my father in law has insulted me about my appearance. He said and I quote. "My son used to date women that looked like models and they were beautiful Well you don't have that look! First of all I am 50 and this was over 30 years ago. The first few times my husband and I were shocked but now he says it every time we visit. I told my husband he can't just sit there anymore and not defend me. I have many who tell me I look terrific for 50 and I told my husband I want an apology from his dad. His dad doesn't like me because I am educated and I don't tolerate unruly behavior from anyone. The last time I pipped up and said well we all dated other people..I dated the vp of legal department who made great money but it isn't about the money... what to do??
i admire and envy you at the same time for learning to stand your ground and set boundaries in a respectful way. im on the brink of losing my self and my marriage beacuse of my overly manipulative and overbearing father in law. my husband wants to call it respect rather than being afraid since eversince he cant seem to stand up for the lil family that we have. how can you stand a FIL who demands so much attention that he wants me and my husband to call and chat with him evryday? he wont ever take NO for an answer. loves to meddle in all our affairs. im so lost and frustrated:(
My father is well meaning but very bossy, always believing that his way and his opinion is the right way and the only way from food, cooking, money management to every day details of how I should be carrying my purse (across my chest so that it won't be stolen). After 13yrs of marriage and seeing him a few times a year, I have calmed down a lot. I do not react as strongly as I used to in the early years of my marriage. But not saying it is easy though.
my in laws are very cunning. they always insult me when my husband is not around and all these years i have been taking this nonsense but now i cant stand them anymore, I am forced to live with them as my husband is the only son and i have to see their faces eveyday. I can't even stand being with them in the same room, my health is falling and I do not know what to do.
I'm fortunate that my in-laws are quite nice and not bossy, but this is a great discussion for those who suffer a different fate.
Thank you for writting this article. I'm in the middle of a situation like that. I have a bossy mother-in-law. I cried last night because she insulted me in front of everyone. Your article showed me that I CAN take control of my self from a bad situation. Thanks Crystal.
My granny would take someone's bags and set them out on the porch to let them know they have overstayed their visit.