How to Deal with Bullying

I think every child has experienced bullying at one time or another. It seems almost a rite of childhood. But the type of bullying I'm going to discuss here involves much more than the occasional reach out and smack someone. I'm referring to the sustained effect of being bullied by one or more individuals.

Bullying occurs for a variety of reasons: racial or religious prejudice, homophobia, gang related or simply for power. The reasons may differ, but the ultimate impact is the same: complete demoralization of the child, fear, shame, depression and anger. For the male child, this is especially damaging, as it weakens their perception of their masculinity. It is often much too humiliating for the child to even contemplate telling his parents. In extreme cases, a child begins to see suicide as a viable option, to end their suffering. Or, conversely begin planning a retaliation, as we witnessed at Colombine and other schools. Bullying is a national disgrace, speaking volumes about how we raise our kids.

What are the signs your child may be being victimized by a bully or bullies? They may include, depending on age:

A reluctance to attend school or to go outside the home.

Unexplained injuries. When questioned, the child may brush them off, or lie about how he got them.

Unusually subdued behavior.

Frequent crying or increased sensitivity.

Overreaction to family horseplay.

Sudden bursts of rage or accusations that you don't care or understand.

A preoccupation with weapons.

If you suspect bullying is a problem in your home, you need to take firm steps to get at the truth. Sit down with your child and tell him you want to understand, you want to help him. Ask him to help you, by being honest. If he still seems reluctant, ask him directly if he's being bullied. Reassure him there is no shame in this, that you are on his side. Use your observations calmly, point by point: Unexplained injuries, depression or anything that may have led you to suspect this is the problem. This helps reinforce your love and attention for your childs well-being, and may help open the door to the truth. Dad's reaction can either hurt or support his own child. If Dad communicates a sense of shame, or disappointment over his son being a victim, this will further increase his depression and low self esteem. But if Dad shares any feelings he experienced over being bullied, lets his son know he stands firmly behind him, and assures him of seeking concrete solutions, will start to ease the sense of being trapped, with no way out.

You need to have your child help you document the time and location of each incident. What was said, how many were involved, and what injuries or losses he sustained. Make sure you note the names of anyone who either witnessed these incidences, or any adults he may have told. This information is critical to filing reports with the school administration and/or the police department.

Be prepared to be shocked. Many school districts take a very lax view of bullying. Or their policies in this regard are not current. They may be uninterested or require greater "proof" this has occurred. If you run into brick walls with the school, then finding another school or independent study should be discussed. This kind of sustained abuse cannot be handled by sending the child back into the same environment. Your first regard is for your childs well being and safety. Make sure before approaching the school you have read any district and school policies on this, so you don't get dumped for reporting to the wrong department.

If there are new or VERY recent injuries, get them documented by your family doctor. Photograph any bruises or scars. This is potent evidence for courts to see. And yes, depending on the extent and severity of the bullying you have legal recourse in the court. If you know the parents of a bully or bullies, and you approach them with the problem: if they refuse to take appropriate measures, they are liable. As a last resort, seek legal counsel for this. It is surprising how swiftly, formerly indifferent parties will become responsive to an attorney.

By remaining calm and measured in your reactions on behalf of your child, you help your child learn that violence and aggression are not the answer to life's problems. That he can trust you to care for his interests in a responsible and mature manner. Out of all the pain, shame and fear your child has felt, a new and deeper love and respect will be born, along with a heightened sense of trust and faith in his world.

Here is an excellent set of books to read on this disturbing subject:

Keys to Dealing With Bullies

Bullying is an age old problem, but its seriousness has only been recently recognized. Aimed at parents coping with raising children in today's demanding world, this book profiles bullies and their victims; describes patterns, underlying causes, and long-term effects; and offers specific suggestions for dealing with bullying.

Bullies & Victims : Helping Your Child Survive the Schoolyard Battlefield
Parents receive an important guide to helping a child survive schoolyard bullying in a title which surveys peer abuse and provides suggestions for parental intervention and reaction. Understand different forms of bullying and different levels of response to its presence through a book written by a professional psychologist and a committee founder.