How to Deal when Your Child Won't Talk to You
Sounds familiar? You have a preadolescent child. He doesn't hate you, but he hates the inquisition. This is what questioning seems like to kids this age. Some of their reasons include protecting their suddenly precious privacy, fear of your disapproval, inner confusion as they try to sort out what they think or want, and shifting their loyalty from family to friends. Some kids may be introverts and will never be big talkers. Accepting kids unconditionally is crucial at this uncertain time of their lives. Here are some tips:
1. Don't take it personally. Know that it is normal and that it may pass if you learn good listening skills.
2. Learning good listening skills starts with getting into the child's world. When your child does talk, try to understand what he is saying instead of trying to mold his thinking with disapproving looks or lectures.
3. Become a closet listener. This means being around without letting anyone know you are listening. Just hang out where your kids are and keep your mouth shut.
4. Learn to listen with your lips closed. Responses are limited to, "Mmmmm. Mmmmm." You'll be surprised how your child sometimes goes on and on when he feels listened to.
5. Be curious. When you do open your lips, ask only the kinds of questions that invite more talking. An attitude of true curiosity is essential.
6. Ask the question: "What else is there that you can think of?" When you think you child has said everything there is to say, this question will often get to a deeper issue that he may not have been aware of until invited to explore it. This is a great way to improve communication between spouses, too.
Sometime during the evening, invite your child to sit with you on the couch, "Because I need some time just to be with you." Don't ask questions. Allow your child to feel your unconditional love and acceptance.
Have regular family meetings where kids have an opportunity to learn communication and problem-solving skills based n mutual respect.
Children can learn that they are loved unconditionally. When they feel like talking, they are listened to, taken seriously, and validated for their thoughts, feelings, and ideas. They have a safe place to grow, change, and explore who they are.
It is essential to the development of healthy self-esteem that children have their thoughts, feelings, and ideas listened to and taken seriously - even when their parents don't agree with them. Children will listen to you after they feel listened to.
Published by Lorna Lyon
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