How to Deal with Conflict

Everyone of us deals with conflict, usually every single day. We either are in conflict, fighting with someone, or around conflict, not to mention all the conflict, fighting and problems reported minute by minute by the media. Few of these conflicts seem to come to a positive resolution.

But, conflict can be minimized by keeping a few basic principles in mind. The conflict might even come to a resolution. How can we deal with the conflict in our lives?

When something happens, our first response may be to get angry. But anger usually leads to more conflict, fighting, heating up an already dicey situation, and seldom leads to a positive resolution.

Instead of getting mad...or getting even. Stop. Consider why you are angry? Do you have all the facts? Before responding in anger consider the problem, not your emotional response. What actually happened? Did someone speak rudely to you at the store? Maybe they are dealing with a deep emotional wound or are exhausted or.... Think of reasons why you may not be the primary target.

Get the facts. Don't rely on hearsay, rumor or gossip. Things often get blown way out of proportion when passed on. Don't assume someone meant to offend. If possible let it go. If not, go to the source to discover the truth in a non-threatening manner.

Communicate. No conflict is resolved without communication. Face to face is often best, but phone or email may also work as long as you realize email doesn't always correctly project feelings. Keep talking to one another. Be honest about the situation and feelings about the situation. Remember there are two sides, at least, to every issue and be willing to let yourself "see" another point of view. It may not change what you think or feel, but it may resolve the conflict because you realize there is another side. In other words, sometimes it is best to agree to disagree and move on.

Don't make mountains out of mole hills. Consider if the conflict is worth your time and effort and stewing. There are enough big problems in the world. Is it really of positive value to allow a conflict to simmer that really isn't of earth-shaking importance? Does it really matter what brand of toothpaste you use? Or, is there a larger issue you are not dealing with?

Continue to clarify, clarify, clarify. Sometimes it takes time and effort to dig for those facts and the truth behind the conflict in order to find a resolution satisfactory to the parties involved. Be willing to put in the time to reach that place of resolution.

Spreading rumors or gossip about a conflict may make you feel good temporarily, but it only deepens your anger, brings in those who shouldn't be involved in the conflict, and lessens the possibility of finding a resolution.

When communication comes to a halt or no progress is being made. Seek a mediator, someone you trust, to hear both sides and assist in bringing the conflict to a resolution. Years ago, my best friend and I had a serious conflict. I cannot even recall what it was about any longer. But it was so severe that we just couldn't get past it. Eventually a mutual friend whom we trusted, served as our mediator. Her common-sense, no-nonsense intervention helped us see each other's point of view (we come from very different perspectives) and helped us come to a resolution with our friendship stronger than ever.

Of course, this only works if you both trust the mediator. It helps if the mediator knows both parties and strives to be objective.

Be willing to compromise. I'm not talking about compromising on principles-stealing is always stealing, hurting another is always hurting another. Doing so would only add resentment to the initial conflict. But, if you can see both sides, compromise on things that make no long-term difference, accept a mediator, even agree to disagree, and don't allow anger to cloud the conflict, conflict will come to resolution.

Learn to forgive wrongs, not for the sake of the one who may have wronged you, but that you might let go and move on. Forgiving is a choice to freedom.

Finally, don't revisit the conflict or let old resentments build up. Instead, be willing to let it go and move on. Life is too precious to live with anger, resentment and continual conflict.