How to Deal with Conflict in Your Marriage

In some states, "irreconcilable differences" are grounds for divorce. But the fact of the matter is that all couples have at least some irreconcilable differences, and that's normal and natural. Great communication is of course one of the keys to resolving conflicts and making your marriage work, but just as essential is the acknowledgment between you and your spouse that some problems between you are unresolvable. Once you and your spouse quit trying to fix things that cannot be fixed, you are both likely to be much happier. Here are some practical tips on how to resolve conflicts in your marriage.

Stay positive. Accept the fact that all marriages suffer some problems, whether they revolve around finances, in-laws, children, or something else entirely. The key is to stay positive when struggling with these issues. If you and your spouse retain a positive attitude, it will alleviate much of the stress that comes with the underlying problem. Maintaining a negative attitude only adds to that stress. Try to keep a sense of humor about things. Respect your spouse's opinions and perspective. Do not point fingers and place blame, but rather resolve to tackle the issues before you together as a married couple.

Deal with conflict rationally and appropriately. Of course, every marriage suffers some conflict. Accept that and know it is perfectly normal and okay. What is important is how you and your spouse deal with such conflicts. Do you yell and scream and call each other names, bring up baggage from years' past? Or do you work things through rationally? If you desire to work things through rationally but don't know how, follow a few simple steps.

Start by raising the issue behind the conflict in a nonthreatening way. For instance, "Honey, we've got to talk about these credit card bills." Rather than going off on a tangent about how reckless your spouse is with money, discuss specific instances (in the recent past) which have led to this conflict. And let your spouse know how this specific behavior made you feel. "I felt that your purchase of that eight hundred dollar walking cane was unnecessary, especially since you don't require a cane to walk." Rather than using accusatory language such as "you abuse money, you don't care about our bills," use "I" statements such as "I feel awful when money we worked hard to earn gets tossed away on unnecessary items."

Throughout the conflict, you should try to remain calm. The calmer someone remains, the more seriously they are taken. If you feel as though you are about to lose your cool, count to ten and breathe deeply before continuing. If the matter cannot be resolved in a satisfactory manner in a reasonable amount of time, take a break. But go back to the conflict in the matter of a few minutes. Don't allow the conflict to build in you and your spouse until it becomes overwhelming.

Choose the right time to deal with your conflict. Do not raise the conflict at night just before bed. Do not raise the conflict when you or your spouse is hungry or tired or late for work. Do not raise the conflict when your children are around.

When trying to reach a compromise, consider your spouse's point of view. And one partner should not be making all or most of the concessions. In order for you and your spouse to be able to raise conflicts in the future, it cannot be made to feel like such a daunting task. Following these practical tips on how to resolve conflicts in a marriage can alleviate much of the stress associated with your differences.