How to Deal with Cultural Differences in a Marriage

My mother-in-law recently gave me something that can only be described as a pre-packaged cube of layered fat and meat. My investigation into this strange gift revealed that it is like bacon, called speck and that in her culture it is the basis of almost every soup.

You can be certain that I've never used speck, much less had some sitting in my refrigerator door where this one now resides. To be honest, I don't have any intention of using speck as a soup starter. I like things like ginger-carrot soup or vegetarian chili and speck was not on the menu at my childhood home.

This recent scenario reminded me of the scene in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" where upon learning her niece's husband is a vegetarian, an aunt offers to make a lamb. When it comes to cultural differences in a marriage, it's not just language that is lost in translation.

These little differences can sometimes add up and feel overwhelming, but it doesn't have to be that way. There are some very simple ways to keep both your sanity and your identity when dealing with cultural differences in a marriage.

#1: Remember That Intention Counts

In the case of the speck, my mother-in-law just wanted to give me a little help with my kitchen supplies. On one hand I could be offended, after all I'm perfectly capable of establishing a pantry and the basic supplies needed for feeding my family. I could interpret her gift of speck as an affront to my capabilities but I'm pretty sure that was not her intention.

It's more likely that she knew I would have no idea where to buy speck and that I shouldn't go without. Taking time to understand people's intention is important in dealing with cultural differences in a marriage. Plus, it's easier to assume the best intentions than to get frazzled over a piece of meat.

#2: Don't Bend Too Much

When I was first getting to know my husband's family, I was overly polite in the food department. I come from a family that rarely cooked red meat and had a very light menu. Not vegetarian, but more of a pescatarian background. I'm not a purist by any means but I could easily go for months without meat.

My husband's family enjoys meat in every form, flavor and variety. They are also big on cake and coffee. All of these were rare occurrences in my diet in my previous life as a quiet pescatarian. I wasn't big on sweets, meat or dairy but these are now always on the menu.

Because of my early politeness to eat what was offered (and so labor-intensively made) I failed to keep with my own preferences and this was a mistake. The good news is that it wasn't irreversible and it doesn't have to be an issue. After realizing I was consuming more coffee than I'd like to just because that's what was served, I stopped. No big deal. Now I'm offered tea.

#3: Keep Your Core Values

I'm from a breed that doesn't discuss money with people who have more or less of it. Personal finances are just that, personal. What I pay for my car or house and what I make in income are things I don't enjoy discussing in mixed company. Don't ask me why, it's just the way I am and how I grew up.

In my husband's culture people love to talk about these details. At parties, I've been asked how much I make and what my housing budget entails by near strangers. At first, I thought it was just individuals but more and more I realize it's a cultural thing.

The fact remains that I still don't enjoy talking about personal finances with strangers and I don't foresee having a change of heart just because the culture around me does. And this presents a challenge. I certainly don't want to alienate anybody, particularly myself.

Instead of forgoing my core value or offending the interested parties by shutting them out, I explain myself. I cheerfully explain that where I come from these details are considered private and shift the conversation into something more comfortable. It's not possible to respect differences unless they are identified. If you identify yourself based on your core values, most people will respect this.

#4: Find Balance

Cultural differences can be an energy drain, but only if you let them. For example, my husband's family spends days on end visiting with each other. Parties stretch deep into the night and often involve a lot of consumption. I appreciate their vigor and their desire for quality time with each other. At the same time, I am not accustomed to these family traditions.

I have a large extended family who loves to share meals and holidays, but compared to my husband's family we are a bunch of Cinderellas whose carriages turn into pumpkins past a certain hour.

So what's a girl to do? Find balance. If I were to attempt to keep up with my husband's family I'd wear myself out; and for no reason.

Instead I balance between partaking in new traditions, like watching the sunrise over homemade schnapps, and doing what's best for me, like often going to bed before watching the sunrise over homemade schnapps. I don't need to go along with everything. Instead I try to balance in a way that works for me.

#5: Don't Knock it Til You Try It

My favorite story of adjusting to cultural differences has to do with nakedness. Where I grew up in New England, it was rare to see much nakedness. Even in warm months. Where I live now, in Europe, is a whole different story and being naked is much more acceptable.

When my husband and I first moved to Europe, we lived with his family. On one particular Sunday morning, I was working away at the computer on a school project when a naked person showed up at my door offering a glass of champagne.

Now this story also ties in with the "Remember That Intentions Count" segment. The intention was that I shouldn't be left out of a lovely morning naked in the sun drinking champagne so the champagne was brought to me. And I appreciated that sentiment.

Of course, I had never been served champagne by a naked person so it was a first for me. At the same time, a lovely morning naked in the sun drinking champagne sounded a lot nicer than being tied to the keyboard. The event reminded that you can't knock it until you try it. Of course, I bowed to the "Find Balance" principle and drank the champagne fully clothed. But the moral of the lesson remains clear.

#6: Don't Forget the Humor

Whenever I tell the naked champagne story, it makes me laugh. This above, all else, is the key to dealing with cultural differences in a marriage. Humor is what allows us to pass through awkward moments and emerge with a rich tapestry of experiences. It's important to remember that derisive humor is rarely as good as the kind that comes from simple truths.

It's important to invite humor into your life whenever possible. Of course, if you are dealing with cultural differences in a marriage humor may be one of those differences. Frame of references differ and there are plenty of punchlines that don't translate. For instance, in my husband's language telling someone you had a "latte" has nothing to do with a visit to Starbucks. It took me a little while to catch on, but now it makes me giggle just like the locals.