How to Deal with Death While Helping Your Children Deal with Death

It's always hard when you lose a loved one but how do you help your children cope with it while you are trying to cope yourself. Dealing with death is hard on adults and can be more difficult on children. I am here to share with you my recent experience and how not only I but my children coped with the death of my grandmother.

At eighty seven years old the family knew days were numbered for my grandmother. She had suffered a minor stroke several years ago, diagnosed with emphysema and dementia had begun to take hold of her mind. The call came in that she was having problems and that my father should get there. (She still lived at home). My father rushed to her home and then called and said that she was comatose. My mother and I drove in. It was apparent that my grandmother had suffered a massive stroke this time but before she lost consciousness she said that she wanted to stay home.

When I arrived it was a sight that I did not want to see my grandmother in but I had to be there because I loved her dearly and felt that by being there I was carrying some of the suffering that she was enduring. The nurse from hospice was present and they had ordered morphine every 30 minutes. It wound up taking 2 full days before her tiny body finally let go. My children did not understand why I would not let them go with me over those two days to see her. My decision I felt was best that they did not see her in that condition. Their final memories of her would forever be preserved as a happy experience. My oldest was more adamant about seeing her (she's 15) and I explained to her why that I didn't want to see her way she was so she became a little more understanding.

I did not lie to my children and did not sugar coat the situation to them. I told them that their great grandmother was dying. I shared my tears with them and they shared theirs with me. I explained the perspective of her death with her age. She had lived almost a century. I asked my oldest how many presidencies had she lived through (not presidents), she came up with 26. They also figured up all of the history that she had lived through and witnessed in her lifetime. We discussed all of the good things and the bad that she saw in her lifetime. They concluded that she was living history, a wealth of knowledge which she had enriched our lives with.

All weekend long I kept the children up to date with what was going on. I myself caught moments of solitude traveling back and forth to stay with her. I sat in front of the house that she lived in when I was a child and reminisced over happier times. We pulled out picture albums and talked about memories we had of her and I told the kids stories about her from my childhood. When she finally did pass it although it was heartbreaking it was also relieving because there was to be no more suffering for her.

As we prepared for the funeral the kids wanted to do something on their own for her. They each sat down and wrote her a letter. When we attended the funeral they went up one at a time and slipped the letter to her into the casket to go with her. We cried and it was not an easy affair but the way that we dealt with it seemed to lessen the blow on the kids and I found that in handling it the way we did to help ease the pain for my children I also found healing the pain within myself.

Dealing with death is never easy but sheltering children from it can make it even harder. When you bring in the good and make them a part of it they can deal with it a lot better than we can at times.