How to Deal with Difficult People: Beyond Manners and Etiquette

People send me their advice questions on a daily basis. I guess that you could say that I am a modern Dear Abby. Maybe that's why my parents named me Abiola. Get it? Dear Abiola? Maybe the joke was cuter in my head but the questions usually fall into two camps: relationship advice or queries about etiquette. Yes, etiquette and good manners still count even in these days of wild Girls Night Out parties. Ahem. Note to self.

Nonetheless, even a would-be Miss Manners has found an occasion where etiquette and deportment must fall to the wayside. This is the case when dealing with difficult people. Unless you live in a bubble under a rock you will have to deal with difficult people. In a perfect world we could "positive energy" them away but that does not work. Trust me, I've tried.

The other day my guru Deepak Chopra tweeted, "The best response to verbal attack is silence." But what if the difficult person is a parent, boss, spouse or someone you deal with on a daily basis? A rude clerk is one thing but a nasty father-in-law has to be addressed.

There are bullies in grown up life, too. Here's a guide from your official Lifestyle Passionista on dealing with nasty people.

Dealing With Difficult People

1. Dealing with a Difficult Boss
I assumed that living a freelance lifestyle would allow me to escape the perils of dealing with difficult bosses. I assumed wrong. Any interaction with another human being is a relationship, and some relationships are bound to be challenging.

Recently, I had a boss who was an absolute bully. She would fly off the handle at the slightest provocation. I still don't know whether she had a medically diagnosed personality disorder but everyone who worked with her dealt with her as if she did. They would tiptoe around, whisper about how nasty she is and then make excuses to others who needed to interact with her. In other words, they were her enablers.

A difficult boss is much more than just an unfortunate situation. A difficult boss can change your livelihood. Unfortunately some people confuse being powerful with being mean. Some bosses are so difficult that they make work feel like being the odd woman out in a high school gym class or eating alone in the cafeteria.

If you have been driven to tears by the person who manages you at work, you are in an abusive situation. Ask yourself how important working in this situation is. If you can afford to then it is imperative that you leave immediately.

If for career or financial reasons you need to stay in the situation then I advise you to do 3 things: A) Confront, B) Minimize and C) Document.

A. Point out to the person that their behavior is offensive. Maybe your boss is somehow unaware that they are being nasty. I know that it can be scary to confront a person in power but you need to be clear. Do not respond in the same angry tone that they are using with you. Aggressive personalities are like attack dogs; tread evenly.

Do not have the confrontation in the middle of whatever the drama is that the difficult person is raving about at the minute. Wait until later, compose yourself and then say something like, "That was quite a situation we had earlier! It stands out in my mind because I really do enjoy working here and I've never been spoken to like that. Can we make a deal? Let's do a better job at respecting each other." Shake on it.

B. If the offensive behavior continues, minimize your direct interactions with your boss. Thankfully there is email and instant messaging. If your boss has a secretary or receptionist interact through him or her as much as possible. No adult needs to be subjected to anyone's rage. When some people who felt formerly powerless come into power they think that belittling others shows strength. Wrong. This behavior shows insecurity, fear and weakness.

C. Document every interaction with the person. Keep an email and paper trail. Let there be a record of every time you deal with each other. This is important if it ever comes down to an instance of your word vs. theirs. If you are going to report them to a superior be strategic. You don't know what the relationships are.

2. Dealing with a Difficult Guest
If you are having a soiree and a guest is rowdy, belligerent or making other people feel uneasy, take note. It is your job as the host to make sure that no one ever feels uncomfortable in a situation that you have invited them into. Even if the difficult or bad guest is your sister's best friend.

A. Give the difficult guest a warning. Everyone is entitled to a warning. Maybe they had too much to drink or too little to eat. Maybe their dog died. Whatever the reason take them to the side and say in a calm manner, "Take it easy. This is awkward but your behavior is embarrassing." Give an example of the offense without directly indicting anyone who may have complained.

B. Ask the difficult guest to leave. If you give a warning and 15 minutes later this person is still dancing in heels on your white mohair sofa or mocking your cousin's mole, it's time to go. Don't make a scene because that is disrespectful to the other guests. Tell the belligerent guest, "I appreciate you coming by but your presence is having a negative effect on the overall vibe of the evening. I'm going to have to ask you to leave." Hand them a goody bag, their purse and jacket and reiterate, "Good night. We'll talk about it tomorrow."

3. Dealing with Difficult Friends
Why do you have difficult friends? Friendship is a voluntary situation. Occasionally we have friends that we inherit from our childhood who are more like friends than family. Nonetheless, if you have a friend that is nasty, mean or just plain difficult, they do not deserve a front seat in your life. If you have repeatedly confronted them with tear-filled moments it may be time to end the relationship.

4. Dealing with Difficult Family Members
Dealing with difficult family members is a toughie because no matter what we are still related to them. Nonetheless, I remind you that you are an adult and are not obligated to deal with anyone being mean or nasty to you. Make a point of not spending time with family members who are aggressively mean. Have events, dinners or soirees where you invite and spend time with only the family members you enjoy.

Weddings, funerals and family reunions can be unavoidable so you will have to interact with the difficult family members at some point. If the exchanges you have with the person unsettle you, greet them briefly and keep it moving. If they approach you with a disparaging remark say, "I'm sure that you would never be disrespectful on purpose but I don't appreciate that remark. I am going to excuse myself from this conversation. Enjoy the party." Then just walk away. Refuse to engage a bully. This is assuming that you have had longstanding family discourse and conversations about the offensive behavior and repeated disrespect. Walk away.

5. Dealing with a Difficult Mate
If you are married to, living with or dating someone who who is "difficult" you have to ask yourself what "difficult" means. If it means "moody" speak to them about them learning how to manage their moods better. Perhaps they need cognitive therapy or some other type of professional support.

If "difficult" in this instance means any kind of verbal barrages or insults, then you are in a verbally abusive relationship. No matter how the person became this way or why they tend to carry on, this is not your problem. No adult need consent to living in an abusive situation, ever. Get out. Now.

My best advice for dealing with a difficult mate or friend is to write them a letter detailing exactly how the behavior makes you feel. Give direct situational examples. Then, read the letter to them. Do not just send the letter. It is important that they listen to you read the whole thing before responding. If the difficult loved one cannot grant you this then they you cannot really call them a partner or friend.

My mother always says that dealing with difficult people is like being a politician. Diplomacy is involved. I say that unlike with politics, honest communication is necessary. The most important thing is that you preserve your energy and well-being. Remember, we teach the people in our lives how to treat us.

As I always say, be good. And if you can't be good be safe.

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