How to Deal with Emotions and Relationships

These are some kernels of psychological wisdom I've learned through lived experience, also backed up by reading and professional training as a therapist:

-All feelings are correct; not all thoughts, perceptions, and behaviors are correct. Never judge yourself for having certain emotions. They are natural and automatic signals to be read like a meter of sorts. There is no need for shame over feeling a certain way. Get rightfully angry when you've been wronged (without acting out impulsively).

-When feeling down, become mentally active in figuring out what the emotion is signaling about your environment that may be unsatisfactory, what action to take next (including talking to any relevant persons), and how to rearrange distorted thoughts and assumptions (black and white thinking to be turned to greys, alternative courses of action to be identified, realizations that your insecurities may not accurately reflect what's going on, etc.). It does no good to ruminate and wallow in emotions alone or act out in an unfocused manner. Use those executive control centers in that brain or else stay miserable and frustrated.

-Sometimes, the best initial "solution" when upset is having someone just sit with you long enough in it that you no longer feel alone with the emotion. After that, it becomes easier to move into your own problem-solving without the distraction of feeling alone. The instant fix-it approach can overlook this basic truth. Remember to give people a moment of silent support if you care about them, then move onto other types of thinking when they're ready, not when you are. People often try to "fix" others' problems out of their own anxiety.

-Thoughts can literally alter brain chemistry; negative emotions lower serotonin. Likewise, low serotonin resulting from organic causes can alter thoughts by turning them negative without your willing them to. Therefore, stay on top of both physical and cognitive aspects at all times. Ex: If sad music gets you down, avoid sad music. If negative people make you grouchy, limit time spent around them. If you have a nutritional deficiency, resolve it.

-As existential theorists claim, happiness is a byproduct of engagement. Doing things you value and enjoy will ultimately get you there, so stay busy. When you get too idle, it's easy to lose any sense of contentment and begin reaching in the wrong places for cheap pleasures. However, degree of harm can only be determined on a pragmatic, case-by-case basis, since plenty of pleasures are perfectly harmless and even healthy.

-Most psychological problems stem directly from relationship problems - past and present. Humans are naturally social animals - an instinct developed for survival. Such problems include eating disorders, addictions, depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, etc., although biology is partially involved. So working on relationship quality is highly important for any human's well-being.

-Don't let other people decide your values for you. Doing so will lead to misery and an inability to accept ignored or denied parts of yourself that need to be expressed in order for you to become wholly present and fully functional.

-Pay close attention to the influence of context on your biases. Accept that you don't know everything and may not hold the ultimate truth. You are human. If you expect yourself never to err, you will harm others and yourself.

-Negative thoughts may be as chemically addictive as positive ones. Dopamine is likely involved, since it's released at times of both pleasure and pain. Track your patterns and choose carefully in the direction of best interests and health.

-Accept the human need for interdependence without becoming either too dependent or too isolated. Sometimes, insisting on isolation actually suggests dependency on others' approval, harmony, agreement, etc. in place of centeredness in the face of difference and conflict. There is something to be said for developing resilience and sticking with the challenge.

-Be comfortable as a single person before becoming serious in a relationship, ideally.

-In relationships, practice compromise, consideration, and giving space and privacy as needed. Give the other person the benefit of the doubt before throwing accusations, but still stand your ground on your preferences.

-Reported relationship satisfaction is strongly connected to the ratio of negative messages to positive messages received from one's partner. Try to tip the scale toward the positive on a daily basis.

-Avoid petty name-calling, insults, and put-downs. These won't keep your score card high when you need it to be. If someone upsets you, report the impact the situation had on you without judgmentally pointing the finger, as this inspires counterproductive defensiveness. You can't argue with someone's emotions. Ex: "When you don't make the bed, I tend to feel disappointed. I am requesting that you help me with that, since I know you're a caring person," not "It's all your fault that I'm disappointed. You always screw up." Also, it may be helpful to offer neutral, non-judgmental observations to those you're close to who are interested in hearing your perspective. This can foster bonding and appreciation and makes conflict resolution easier if done well.

-If someone else cannot follow the above rules in their dealings with you, taking action with him or her may be more appriopriate for sending a message than using words.