How to Deal with Guilt and Shame in Children

Guilt and shame are two distinct concepts, although they can overlap. But generally, guilt can be thought of as a child's response to doing what she knows is wrong, such as hurting another child. Shame, which is a more general sense of unhappiness or disappointment with oneself, can result when a child commits a wrong deed or can arise in other circumstances that have nothing to do with bad behavior: when she is teased by peers or when she is not yet able to accomplish hard tasks. It is our job as parents to alleviate these feelings of shame when they are undeserved by providing comfort and perspective.

But when it comes to wrongdoing or misbehavior, a little shame may not be such a bad thing, with one caveat: Children need to hear parents say that they are for forgiven.

As a child learns to distinguish right from wrong, he begins to heed the inner voice of his own conscience. Guilt and shame, for this reason, have been called moral emotions.

AGES 7 TO 9

COPING WITH SHAME

When children feel shame, their impulse is to withdraw and hide, while guilt is often accompanied by a desire to make amends. But children often need help from parents to learn how to make things right again. "Maybe a child said something bad about her best friend in order to get someone else's favor,

At these grade-school ages, children have countless chances to feel shame because they rely more on the opinions of others. They are finding new challenges in school--social and academic--and measuring their accomplishments and their progress against the standards of teachers and peers. When they fall short, in their own eyes or in the eyes of others, they may feel shame, perhaps in the form of discouragement or embarrassment. The love and support of parents is crucial at these times. Children, first of all, need to know that we all make mistakes.

AGES 9 TO 12

SHAME AND FRIENDS

A lot of what children feel guilty and shamed about has to do with their peers. This works in positive and negative ways. Children can actually reinforce basic standards of morality through their intolerance of a child who transgresses. The most typical things that come up are cheating, petty thievery, and letting someone down, either by revealing a secret or breaking a promise. A child may feel guilty all on his own for any of these ethical lapses, but if he is caught, he will also feel shame. Stirrings of guilt at these ages may inspire children to make amends on their own and offer an apology. But children can also make each other feel ashamed for the worst reasons.

The important thing for parents to do in those instances is to get the child to reflect on who's doing the shaming and what it says about them. Maybe you don't want to have those people as friends. It won't take away the shame the child feels for that particular bout of ridicule, but over the long run those messages accumulate, and the child can learn to let his or her self-worth be a little independent of what others think.