How to Deal with Heartbreak (Pt. 2)*

It was Mother's Day, the day in which all the sons and daughters of the United States come together to show appreciation for their mothers. (It's as though all Americans neglect the other 364 days and then decide to make up for it with one huge barrage of flowers, gifts, and food. Like binge appreciation, and then we'll go back to feeling annoyed, over-nagged and hassled the other 364. We sure love you, Mom!)

And though I like to think I express my love everyday, I still had a nicely laid plan to celebrate my mother's awesomeness. I wanted to make this her day: take her shopping, buy her dinner, watch a movie with her. I was even going to give up watching the Lakers' playoff game that day! (Actually, now that I think about it, sounds like I just exchanged my girlfriend for my mom.) Alas, my mom eventually neglected me for a game of mahjong with her friends later that day. At that point Mother's Day was quickly christened "Orphan's Day" and out went super-thoughtful-awesome-Mom's-Day-plan. Girlfriend left me and now Mom - anybody see an alarming trend here?

During that lonely time, while sharing a Quiznos toasted sub - recently minted $5 by the way - with my other orphan buddy Josh, I somehow ended up thinking about my ex and her mother more than I did mine. It wasn't that I neglected my mom or didn't care for her, even though she forsook me for ivory tiles. But I realized later on, that it essentially came down to this: I had so internalized my ex with her own desires, fears, struggles, and pains, that I had come to function as though she were a part of me. Little did I know that I had come to interpret my world through two pairs of eyes: hers and mine.

I thought about her mother because her mother tragically passed away 7 years earlier. I thought about how tough of a time this must have been for her, how she would be handling the emotions of the day and what kind of thoughts she must have been thinking. In a sense, I shared the hurt with her and took on her burdens. And inside, I still wanted to be her crutch.

Sadly, I just ended up crippling my day's joy with those thoughts.

After two and a half years, there is no longer just a "you." It becomes "you and her," in the ways you think, act, talk, and relate. After two and a half years, you are a different entity. And now, after a break up, you are desperately trying to find that person from two and a half years ago. You are no longer him, and you are no longer you.

Then the question arises, how do we go about moving on? How do we live? How do we discover life after the ex? My previous article spoke upon tips one should take when going through a breakup. This second installment talks about things you should avoiding doing to cope and heal from the pain.

As I prefaced in the first article, I am not a love guru but mainly address this issue as one student to another. Here goes nothing (and leave comments if you like):

1. Do Not Check Her Facebook

It is one thing to log into your account everyday; it is another to log into it everyday to check her wall post updates and new photo uploads. Okay, as I'm writing this, I am convicted of my own hypocrisy. Yes, I am guilty as charged, on two counts of Facebook checking (but the other time I stopped midway out of shame, so it doesn't really count, does it?). But why do I bring this up? Why is it so important? More than anything else, I point this out simply as a symptom of your condition. When you are checking her Facebook constantly, you are inherently thinking that she still belongs to you, that you have the right of knowing what they are doing every minute of the day. It is an unhealthy mindset and shows therefore, that you are not really letting go.

Trust me, if you want to move on with your post-breakup life, you cannot be consuming your waking thoughts about what the other person is doing, how they are filling the time, and if they are even enjoying his or her self. You will unnecessarily torture yourself. And you'd also be a stalker, which could have legal implications in the long run.

I'll be the first to say that I am an avid fan of Facebook and it has done good for many people and many things. It is just no good for heartbreaks. So avoid it. Now. Stop poking me. Okay, seriously.

2. Do Not Listen To Burning Music (Like "John Mayer - Gravity")

I hope you are listening to that song right now as you are reading this article. Isn't it like the most appropriate soundtrack to your life theme at this current moment? Gravity...wants to bring you down. I'm sure you can belch that easily from the bottom of your soul.

I think it's funny how some people argue that music has no effect or influence on your mind whatsoever. Granted, I haven't put a bullet through someone's head by listening to Eminem every now and then. But you cannot tell me that listening to sappy love songs does not flip a switch in your mind that fuels your mood for that moment or even for the rest of the day.

I understand the need to indulge our emotions at times, but when you feel the urge to do so, rather consider playing some uplifting music to encourage your soul. Get your mind to focus on more hopeful and better things. I'm particularly enjoying Mariah Carey's "Touch My Body" at this moment in time. Wouldn't you consider that quite uplifting?

Okay, fine, I will let you indulge in some John. But only while you're reading this article, capische?

3. Do Not Isolate Yourself.

I just want to let you know that I am writing this as my long and lanky body of bones is glued onto a couch at home, feeling lonely and very alone. And that is how I came to this conclusion.

You know they say that the mind is a terrible thing to waste. I say that is, unless you have it to think about your ex-girlfriend and all the wonderful things she did for you and how great it would be to still have her around. In that moment, I would prefer to implant my brain into a trash can. Or eat it like Hannibal Lecter.

I don't know about you, but left to my own discretion I am too overly-analytical. Isolation tends to breed thought, and during this time you need to be around people. Why? Because they force you to do things instead of having you sit around and mope all day. Sure, sometimes they might provoke you to talk and think about the situation, but they will also use their discretion to tell you when you need to stop and focus on something else. So it's doubly beneficial - they help you process things at necessary junctures and then tell you when you are crossing the line of over-thinking things.

Just make sure you don't surround yourself with her friends. That only has trouble written all over it.

I realize that as I have finished writing this article that the tone and manner of style is drastically different from my previous article. It is definitely a lot more casual and maybe even clever, but the points are still true all the same. Focus on finding you and trust that the other person is doing the same. You can and will get through this.

Part Three is coming my friends...Stay tuned! (Unless you get back together.)