How to Deal with Impossible People

We all know difficult people. They are generally share three main characteristics - they cannot be reasoned with, they can do no wrong, and they are convinced that everything is someone else's fault. If you haven't had some first-hand experience in dealing with such people, even a brief conversation can raise your blood pressure through the roof. This article is rather long, but this isn't a simple subject. Insights and steps for dealing with highly difficult people are discussed in the following pages.

1.) Recognize that impossible people exist, you will eventually encounter them, and there's not a thing you can do about it. The first step is all about facing reality. If you think you might be dealing with an impossible person, you're probably right. When in doubt, proceed as instructed below. The headaches you save will be your own.

2.) Be aware that some people simply aren't compatible. Sometimes, a person who gets along with everybody else quite well is an impossible person for you. Most relationships between people contain many shades of gray, but some people are simply oil and water. It is common to hear your impossible person proclaim that "everyone else likes me." This is an attempt to shift the blame to you. Don't buy it. It doesn't matter how this person interacts with others. The fact is, the way they interact with you is terrible. Blame never changes the facts.

3.) Understand that it's not you, it's them. This can be surprisingly difficult, considering the fact that impossible people have complete mastery of blaming skills. If you're dealing with an impossible person, you're probably being told on a regular basis that every conceivable thing is your fault. It isn't. As the saying goes, "it takes two to tango." Chances are, the louder they blame you, the more they are actually at fault. Keep in mind that this is not to be used as a way to blame them. Blaming is what impossible people do, and they do it well. Instead, you are only facing the facts, for your own sake. NEVER confront an impossible person with the fact that they are the chief source of the problem. Keep it to yourself, or you will unleash a flood of denial and blame. That being said, here's a simple way to tell: If you tend to accept responsibility for your own faults and resolve to improve yourself, it's probably not you. Remember, impossible people can do no wrong.

4.) Realize that you cannot deal with impossible people the same way you deal with everyone else. In some ways, they need to be treated like children. Give up all hope of engaging these folks in any kind of reasonable conversation. It will never happen, at least with you. Remember what happened the last fifty times you tried to have a civilized discussion about the status of your relationship with this person. Chances are, every such attempt ended in you being blamed for everything. Decide now to quit banging your head against a brick wall.

5.) Protect your self-esteem. If you have regular dealings with someone who tries to portray you as the source of all evil, you need to take active steps to maintain a positive self-image. Remind yourself that this person's opinion is not necessarily the truth. Understand that oftentimes, impossible people are particularly "fact-challenged." If the attacks have little basis in fact, dismiss them. You can't possibly be as bad as this person would like you to believe you are. Do NOT defend yourself out loud, however. It will only provoke the impossible person into another tirade against you.

6.) Guard against anger. If it helps, consider the fact that your anger is actually a precious gift to the impossible person. Whatever you do or say while angry will be used against you over and over again. Impossible people tend to have an amazing memory, and they will not hesitate to use a nearly endless laundry list of complaints from the past against you. Five years from now, you could be hearing about the angry remark you made today (which you didn't even mean). Impossible people will seize anything that provides them the opportunity to lay blame like it was gold.

7.) When the impossible person becomes hysterical (and they probably will, as this is a common trait among them), immediately "turn off" any serious consideration you had been giving them. What they are saying now should be considered gibberish. As they say, "in one ear and out the other." If at all possible, simply remain silent through the whole tirade. If that requires too much discipline on your part, make sure that anything you say tends to agree with them. Humor them. Don't ask them to calm down, because you are just inviting further bombast (such as "Why should I calm down?! Look what you've done this time! You're lucky I'm not angrier than I am!").

8.) Give up self-defense. Understand very clearly that you can't beat these people. In their minds, you are the source of all wrongdoing, so nothing you can say is going to make them consider your side of the story. Your opinion is of no consequence, because you are already guilty, no matter what. If you tell them that you gave a million dollars to charity, they will say you that you did it because you have a guilty conscience. If you tell them you discovered the cure for cancer, they will tell you that you just wanted the attention. There is no winning. Nothing you can do will be good enough. Anything positive you say about yourself will be interpreted as boorish bragging or self-justification, and you will be promptly "smacked back down to size" by a litany of negative comments and accusations. Impossible people view it as their sacred task to make sure you don't get the idea that you are worth anything, and they will act accordingly.

9.) Understand that eventually, you and the impossible person will have to part ways. Whether they are a friend, a boss, a parent, a spouse, or whatever else, the time for leaving is coming. To maintain a relationship with an impossible person is, well... impossible. If you can't or won't make a physical departure immediately, make a mental one. In your mind, you've already left the relationship. The only thing left to do is wait for physical reality to reflect that fact.

10.) Avoid letting the impossible person make you into a "clone" of them. If you aren't careful, you could find yourself adopting many of the behaviors of the offender. Eschew blame entirely by understanding that this is just the way the other person is. It's just the way nature made them, by means of their environment, upbringing, and life experiences. They have no more choice about being themselves than you have about being yourself. Similarly, avoid lavishing them with the gift of your anger. Any slips will be used against you over and over, so don't defeat yourself by making it even easier for them to have another blame-fest. Avoid letting them break down your self-image. If necessary, talk to yourself (even out loud) in order to reassure yourself that the onslaught of negativity being directed against you is not necessarily based in fact.

11.) Be a manager. Until it is over, your task in the relationship is to manage the impossible person, so that they do less damage to you. As a manager, your best resources are silence (it really is golden), humoring the other, and abandoning all hope of "fixing" them. Impossible people do not listen to reason. They can't, they won't, and even if they could, they wouldn't. You can't convince them that they have any responsibility for the problems between you. They don't recognize (or try to improve) their flaws for a very logical reason - they don't have any flaws. You must understand and manage this mindset without casting blame and without giving in to anger. It's far easier said than done, and you will slip from time to time, but as time goes on, you'll become a better manager.

12.) Realize that impossible people engage in projection. Understand that you are going to be accused of much (or all) of this behavior yourself. If your impossible person gets a look at this text, to them, it will look like a page about you. Prepare yourself for the fact that the impossible person's flaws and failings will always be attributed to you. Remember, in their minds, you are at at fault for everything! They will have an endless supply of arguments to support this, and if you make the mistake of encouraging them, they will be more than happy to tell you why YOU are the impossible person, and how ironic it is that you are under the mistaken impression that it is them.

13.) If you're having trouble coping, seek therapy. Keep in mind that therapy doesn't always involve sitting down in front of a psychiatrist or psychologist. Do that if you need to, but don't hesitate to create your own forms of therapy as well. Journaling can be good, or (for example), you may even find therapeutic value in writing an article about dealing with difficult people.

14.) Don't show this page (or any other similar advice) to impossible people in an attempt to convince them of how difficult they are. Again (and it bears repeating), you can't convince them of diddly-squat. Any attempt whatsoever to do so will only result in you getting blasted with another tirade, which will create more resentment against you and compound the problem.
If you think you might be an impossible person yourself (or you have become one with regard to the other person), realize just how awful you are being and try to improve yourself. Then again, if you are really an impossible person, you won't even recognize yourself here. To you, this page will be all about "the other guy." For the incorrigible impossible person, everything is always about "the other guy." If you're reading this page and thinking "Hey, that sounds just like (insert name of person you blame for everything)," you're probably one of the people we are talking about here (although you could never admit it).
If nothing else helps, resolve to treat your experiences with impossible people as valuable life lessons. Realize that after dealing with them for a while, getting along with everyone else will be a cakewalk. You are getting a free education in how to deal with the most difficult people out there. Although it is unpleasant now, the lessons you learn are going to be invaluable later in life.

15.) Don't make impossible people angry. Although they (of course) "have no temper" and are "reasonable to everybody," the fact is that if you enrage them, they will blow their stack like you can't believe. Your own moments of frustration with them will pale in comparison. Don't give them a reason. Instead, treat them like patients or children, but do it subtly (in such a way that they can't lash out at you for being "condescending"). This takes practice, but it is a skill worth developing.