How to Deal with the Loss of Loved Ones

Within six months my husband lost both of his grandmothers and his next door neighbor, who was like a second father to him. This was easily the hardest six months he has ever gone through, at least emotionally. As a man, he was taught that it's not really acceptable to cry. Out of the three deaths I mentioned previously, the only time I ever saw him cry was when he first found out about his dad's mom. He was very close to her growing up. He still only cried for a few minutes.

As a woman, it was hard for me to understand why my husband didn't cry. I never even met his mom's mom, and I still cried when she died. I cried because I knew that my husband and my mother in law were both hurting because of it. I cried because my son would never get a chance to meet her. I cried because husband had been taught to be tough and not cry. Someone had to cry for him.

We left within hours after receiving the phone calls about both grandmas. We found a cat-sitter one time, and the other time we went straight home, cat in tow. Within one hour each time, my husband had already arranged for emergency leave and I was packing. Within two days of receiving the phone call, my husband, my infant son, my two dogs and I (along with the cat one time) were pulling up in my parents' driveway in Missouri. The 1000 mile journey is a long one no matter what. It is especially long when it is unplanned and happens later in the day than you would like. When my father in law's mom died on New Year's Eve, we also had snow to contend with in North Dakota.

My husband stayed "strong" and never cried while we were home either time. He never really dealt with the pain either time. I think I saw one lone tear come when he put flowers on his dad's mom's grave. No other tears ever came, at least that I saw. Months later he still hasn't really dealt with the pain of any of the losses. The most recent death, of his neighbor, he still hasn't accepted at all. We were unable to go home because his neighbor wasn't actually related to him. It has made it harder for him because he doesn't have the closure that he needs.

As a boy, his neighbor took him hunting and did a lot of other father-son type of things with him. My father in law wasn't into that kind of stuff. The next door neighbor had only two daughters, so it worked out well for everyone when he took my husband fishing and hunting. He had cancer, but because my husband didn't get a chance to really say good bye, he still hasn't accepted that he is gone.

Dealing with loss seems much easier as a woman. When my grandma died in 2003, it was expected for me to cry. I still cry about it 3.5 years later, and no one thinking anything of it. Guys aren't given those same rights, though. Most people don't think much of it when a guy cries when he first loses someone, but they think that is the only time that it is acceptable. Guys are supposed to be strong and move on, but how do they deal with the pain of the loss?

As a woman, you need to teach your husband and male children how to get through grief. Let them know that it doesn't make them any less of a man to admit pain and hurt. Give them time to work their way through the grief. Remember that most grown men think that crying is a sign of weakness. Men don't want to admit to weakness. They need to be able to work their grief in their own way. As a wife and/or mother, you need to support them.

As a man, understand that it is fine to cry if you need to. If you can't, that's okay, too. Find some other way to get through your grief. Don't just keep it all in, though. Also remember that just because the funeral is in the past, it doesn't mean that all the grief is too. Remember that is is okay to be sad and even cry for someone you miss. Their birthdays and other holidays become painful and that's okay. If you need to, don't be afraid to talk about it.

Whether you are a man or a woman, support each other and your loved ones through times of loss. Remember that even though you lost someone special, you still have other special people left. It's hard, but if you let go of some of the pain, you will smile again.