How to Deal with a Loved One in Prison

When a friend or family member crosses the law and ends up in prison, dealing with that knowledge can be overwhelming. How do good upstanding citizens rationalize a person who crossed the law, even if they were a friend or family member? What can you say to someone you know who is dealing with the guilt or embarrassment of having a friend or family member in prison? Here are a few steps to help bridge that gap.

Remember who the person is, not the act that they did. More often than not, the person you love is a good person who just got caught up in the wrong thing. Maybe it was drugs or alcohol or maybe they just chose to hang out with the wrong crowd. Whatever the reason, they made a bad choice and now they are living with that consequence every day. What you need to focus on are the good aspects of that person. Know that they are not the decision that they made. You don't have to be ashamed of them or turn your back on them just because of their bad decision. You also don't have to condone what they did just because you are accepting or forgiving them. You can still hate the act that they did while opening up your heart with love for them.

Respect personal boundaries. Everyone is going to react differently to the news, and many busy bodies and gossips are going to want to know all the details of the juicy arrest and incarceration. If a friend or loved one retreats and pulls away from friends and family, respect this. Maybe they are embarrassed by the news and want to keep the ordeal a family matter. Maybe they are just tired of everyone asking about it or are tired of telling the story over and over again. Perhaps the retelling of the story is painful and they just want to forget that it even happened. Respect their decisions. Let them know that you are there for them in any way possible, but don't force yourself on the issue. When they are ready to talk they will open up to you.

Go straight to the source. Writing a letter to a prisoner can be overwhelming, especially if you don't know what kind of state they are in. You never know how your communications will be received or what kind of mood your friend or family member will be in. When a cousin of mine was incarcerated, my mother and I debated about writing to him. We wanted to reach out but were unsure of what to say or do. My mother wrote and was delighted when he wrote back, saying how her letter touched him. Try to keep your communication uplifting and non-judgmental. Let the person know that you love them and are there for them in any way possible (even if it means something as simple as buying them clean underwear and socks). Remember that they are in a very vulnerable position and could probably use as many friends as possible in these trying times.

Having a friend or family member in prison can be an emotionally taxing experience, and dealing with all of the emotions of their imprisonment can be tough to handle. Hopefully these few tips will help smooth along the transition and help everyone feel at peace with the situation at hand.