How to Deal with Mommy Guilt

American children are obese, lazy, uninspired, illiterate, spoiled bullies who do nothing but play violent video games and mindlessly shop while listening to the latest pop musician. And whose fault is it? Their mothers, of course! Isn't that who you blame for your current state of well-being or lack thereof? It's her fault if you can't find and establish a meaningful relationship, or engage in a satisfying career. She didn't love you enough, or she loved you too much. She was too controlling or she didn't give you enough guidance. She spoiled you with lavish spending or she was cheap and stingy with your basic needs. It's always the mother's fault, right?

With that kind of guilt load facing mothers, it's truly a wonder that any of us undertake the task. We're challenged at every step of the way. Our own mothers, our mother-in-laws, our neighbors, parents of our children's peers, and society in general are all waiting to point a finger of blame at us. And we're often quick to accept that blame. Because we do feel guilty. Modern mothers face challenges never faced before. We juggle work, home, volunteer activity, and parenting with our desire for a fulfilling life of our own choosing. There is never enough time, never enough money and never enough of Mom to meet all those challenges and so we accept the blame meekly and with genuine frustration and anger at ourselves for being less than perfect.

I was one of those mothers from the very beginning of my parenting years.Having suffered from the blame game myself, blaming my own mother and then foster mothers for their complete ineptitude at mothering, I was sure, absolutely sure I could do it better. I aimed high for perfection in every area of my mothering. My children would be geniuses, well read and thoughtful thinkers. My children would be clean, well fed, nutritiously nurtured, active and fit and strong and healthy. My children would be superior in spirit, thoughtful of their actions, quick to help and slow to fight. I had no doubt I could achieve this lofty ambition, of perfect motherhood.

I put all my energy into my new motherhood with my firstborn child, planning, plotting and preparing for his arrival into the world. We did Lamaze classes, read all the right books and bought the right stuff to welcome him home. From the moment of his delivery, I should have known the end result. He resisted coming into my welcoming world, he resisted breast-feeding, he resisted my plans and the resistance continued throughout his childhood up into the rebellious years of teenage and on until he was about 25 and suddenly Mom became a much smarter, capable person and he stopped resisting. Although now, he does a lot of "teaching", attempting to enlighten his rather feeble minded mother, trying his utmost ot bring her into the 21st century and the brave new world he'd like to see.

I kept trying for perfection throughout the birth of three subsequent children and yet each one, in his or her way, continued the resistance. Resistance was not futile in their opinion, it was required to battle their determined mother. Where I had sought cleanliness and gentle souls, there emerged fierce opponents and brawling brothers. Where I had hoped for a beautiful calm daughter, I received a Kiss Me Kate little shrew, who delighted in torn baseball jerseys and outdoing her brothers in tree climbing epics designed to frighten her mother into an early heart attack. Possibly that was her plan all along! Dresses were discarded at age 2, never to grace her limbs again, replaced by the scruffiest pair of old sweat shirts and holes in the knees jeans that became her battle cry for independence from her genteel mother.

And slowly my dreams of perfect motherhood became replaced with sobs of what did I do wrong? And guilt reigned supreme in my life. I was guilty for less than perfect grade reports, for every schoolyard fist fight, for bad language hurled at each other in anger, for a broken tooth earned by falling out of a tree, for cries of hurt and anger expressed at me when I would not give into someone's plea for the latest video game; for every deed and misdeed of their childhood, I pleaded guilty as charged by myself and obviously by them!

And yet, here I sit down, 34 years later, five children grown up into semi-quasi adulthood and we still love each other. We choose to spend our weekends together whenever we can. We seek out each other's counsel and join together to play games, build barns, work on automobiles, bake cookies and argue about the latest politics. We are of different minds, of different opinions, and dinner table discussions sometimes resemble presidential debates, but not as polite! And my guilt has turned to pride. How did I achieve that or how did we achieve that. I rarely hear a guilt flung accusation thrown at me these days, with their increasing maturity. We seem to have survived the years of childhood and have entered a grace filled time where we have let go of old battles and have decided that our love for each other was real and continues to be so.

For all mothers facing the guilt of motherhood, I urge you to consider the following thoughts. First of all, forget perfection. It does not exist. And when I say forget perfection, I really mean, forget trying to do things the way someone else does, someone more superior in your mind. Perhaps it's your mother or mother-in-law pointing the way to their version of perfect motherhood. Let it go. Don't even strive to achieve that version or compete against it. Find your own pattern of parenting that feels right for your family. It will take some time, some thought and education. Go ahead and read some parenting articles and journals. Listen to some experts in various areas, but always with a grain of salt. Remember, this is your family, not a magazine picture. What works well for the family next door, may not fit your independent little thinker at all. All children are different. All families work differently and need to find a working pattern that works for the entire family. You can find the right balance for yours. You can be the leader of the plan, but you need your spouse and your children to help out.

So my second tip for overcoming motherhood guilt is to realize that you're not solely responsible for your children's decisions or well-being. They live in a connected world where teachers, their father, their grandparents and extended family, their peers and even the Sunday School teacher all have a significant impact on their lives. Knowing who those people are and what they think and say to your child will help, but ultimately you can't control what message your children choose to believe. And they will surely choose some wacky beliefs! Trust me on this. Accept that you are not responsible for everything they believe and choose to do.

Third tip for dealing with that guilty motherhood syndrome is to realize that all things change. Life is a process where your children are going to change also, just like you did. You can set rules, offer guidelines, encourage good goals and emphasize important values. You should do those, but ultimately you have to sometimes just wait and see what happens. Each of our now grown adult children went through significant turmoil in becoming a solid functioning adult. With each of them, I felt such terrible guilt. I felt their pain as though it were mine and nothing could change that for them or for me. It is usually the same for all mothers. But we have to allow children, young adults to feel their own pain. We can't take it on for them. They have to feel it so they can grow in maturity just like we have done ourselves. Accept it and wait for the change, loving them the entire time.

Which brings me to what I view as the most important tip of mothering without guilt. Love them. Love them actively, insist on showing your affection even when they are embarrassed by their loving mother. Don't smother, that's not love. But fixing their favorite cookies before an important test study time, that's love. Buying a new outfit as a surprise gift when they've accomplished a hard task, that's love. Sitting with them and listening when they're crying about a lost boyfriend, that's love. You can't fix their lives for them, but you can continue to love them while they do the work. I've watched a 28 year old with heartbreak survive a divorce and a 15 year old with his first love and heartbreak. There is no difference in the level of pain and love that you feel for each of them. But it isn't your fault they feel pain, it's the human condition. So love them through it.

And finally, I think one of the most important things a woman can do to cope with motherhood guilt is by knowing that she is more than just a mother. I think we often choose to feel guilty because we have placed so much value on our mothering of our children that when something goes wrong, we automatically take the blame. Motherhood well most likely be the most important accomplishment of our lives. We will continue to value it more than baking the best bread, or writing a great news article. But it isn't all that we are or can be. Having a life outside of motherhood allows us to be stronger in our motherhood. We are less likely to blame ourselves or our children for misdeeds or mistakes if we know that we still have much work to do, other goals to strive for.

Guilt robs us of our initiative, of our spirit of accomplishment. Don't allow that to happen to you and your children. Strive to be the best informed, loving and good mother you can be. Accept the reality of who your children are and what works best for your family. Know that life is a process for you and your children and you're both working and living change. Love your children and yourself by being there for them, but find spaces and places to be more than a mother.