How to Deal with a Needy Adult Child

You had hoped that all of your children would grow up to be well adjusted and self-sufficient. The fact that you have one who is super needy may have you wondering what exactly went wrong. "Was there a genetic defect of some kind?" you may ask yourself, "Or did I make a major faux pas in the parenting department?"

How does a parent know if his or her child is needy? Well, most parents develop a hunch that something is amiss when the following things begin to occur:

Their adult child frequently asks for money, but cannot keep a steady job.
Their adult child returns home - uninvited - to live with them (and in some cases, with a mate and a baby in tow).
Their adult child calls them several times a day to recount every detail of their day.
Their adult child cannot make one decision without asking for mom or dad's advice.

If you have a needy child, you will probably have no difficulty adding to this list! Now that you have diagnosed the problem, what can be done about it?

Stop Making Excuses for Your Child!

"She's just depressed."
"He's just a late bloomer."
"This is just a phase."

The more excuses you make for your child, the less effective you will be in dealing with him or her. Keep in mind that this is your adult child - not a five-year-old who needs Mommy or Daddy to help them navigate their way through life. There is no better time than the present to master the art of tough love.

Stop Being the Enabler

Along with excuses comes enabling. You may feel as though you are the only person in the world that your child has who truly cares about them and will look out for them. This may be your youngest child (and perhaps your most skilled charmer). This may be the child whom you've always spoiled a bit more than the others, or the child who was always a little "extra" and demanded more of your attention. This may be the child with the drug addiction, or the one who squandered what little money they had on a get-rich-quick scheme. If you are in any way making it possible for your adult child to continue with such behaviors - whether it is by providing them with money, taking them in when they screw up, or always being there to bail them out of trouble - then you are enabling them.

Identify Your Own Weaknesses

Are you lonely or feeling neglected by your other children? Is your needy child supplying you with attention that you crave, even if it's not attention for the right reasons? Do you feel guilty for the way that your adult child turned out? Before you can effectively deal with your child, it is critical that you examine what is taking place inside of your own mind and what you need to do to build your own resistance to your adult child's manipulation. In all likelihood, your child knows your weaknesses and is playing them to his or her advantage.

Learn to Say "No" with Love (and Mean It!)

One of the hardest and yet most important steps you will need to take in dealing with your needy adult child will be to master the art of saying "no." Your child will try to make you feel guilty for doing this, but it is not your responsibility to carry him or her through life. While it may pain you greatly to see your adult child flounder without your assistance, you will be doing the both of you a huge favor by forcing them to step out on their own for once in their life.