How to Deal with Your Partner's Constant Criticism

Does your partner constantly criticize you? Are you unsure on how to deal with your partner's constant criticism? To help understand common mistakes people often making when dealing with a spouse's criticism and for tips on how to deal with a partner's constant criticism, I have interviewed psychotherapist Harry Warner , MA, LPC .

Tell me a little bit about yourself.
"I am a Licensed Professional Counselor . I work in a private practice, Ahl Counseling Services, LLC in Columbus, Ohio, with both couples and individuals from diverse backgrounds with a wide variety of problems. I obtained a Master of Arts from The Ohio State University in a top-10 nationally ranked program for Counselor Education ."

What are common mistakes people often making when dealing with a partner's criticism?
"For the partner being criticized, a common mistake is to take on the criticism as a personal fault. No one is perfect and we all have faults and weaknesses but having someone you care about constantly point these out can irrationally inflate negative self-perceptions. We can all handle the occasional constructive criticism , but when they come many and often it becomes overwhelming.

Another mistake is let a partner's critical behavior go unquestioned. Often, the criticized get tired of arguing or sticking up for his or her self and just sit back and take it for fear of damaging the relationship. This can be dangerous as feeling of being hurt can go unattended to and subsequently fester and turn into resentment.

On the flip side, the partner being criticized may always take the combative approach and turn every criticism into a fight. In a maladaptive way, other partner doing the criticizing does so out of deeper motivation wishing the best for his or her partner or the relationship as a whole. To the criticizer, an angry or aggressive response can be just as hurtful as their own criticizing nature. To the criticizer, it can feel like a rejection of the well-intended yet covert motivation."

What are some tips for dealing with partner's constant criticism?
"The first step here is be mindful of ones own intentions and be just as diligent as the criticizer by providing self-affirmations to internally dispute the negative message given by the criticizer.

Learn the differences between responses that are passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive. Then practice ASSERTIVE language with the criticizer. It takes practice, but it can be done! For example '" 'I hear that you don't like the way I arrange my socks, and I think you have my best interests at heart, but it works for me and I need you to be ok with it'. Or 'I feel pretty drained having mistakes pointed out so often, please try and let some of these things go.' It may not work the way you want it to every time, but when it does, it's wonderful.

Seek professional help when situations get out of hand. If there are changes that can be made it's worth the process of seeking help rather than throwing away what you have when things work. You can do this as a couple or individually."

What type of professional help is available for someone that is having a difficult time dealing with a partner's constant criticism?
"You can start by checking out community resources at your library or local community center. There are many groups and seminars offered that provide tips and strategies for strengthening relationships. Typically communication skills are most important in seeking.

Therapy can and does work. Find a counselor in your area who has experience working with couples. Typically, when a couple is genuinely engaged in this work, 5 to 10 weeks of counseling can do the trick. This of course varies among people depending on their depth of problems, but discovering what's at the heart of the problem and making small changes can do wonders in a relationship.

Thank you Harry for doing the interview on how to deal with a partner's constant criticism. For more information on Harry Warner or his work you can check out his website on http://www.ahlcounseling.com/Harry.htm.

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