How to Deal with Passive Aggressive People

Do you have a co-worker who constantly complains about having to do certain tasks until you offer to do them for her? Do you have a family member who is overly sensitive to what you say to him? If so, you may be dealing with a passive-aggressive individual. Interactions with passive aggressive behaviors can be very frustrating, even angering to interact with because of the way they think and behave. If you have a passive aggressive person in your life, try one or more of these techniques to deal with the passive aggressive behavior.

Recognizing Passive Aggressiveness: The first thing you should do in dealing with passive-aggressive people is to learn about and recognize passive aggressive behaviors. An individual who is passive-aggressive may be extremely sensitive about what is said to him or her, may complain extensively about doing specific tasks until someone else offers to do them, may procrastinate to avoid doing tasks, may appear overly paranoid, does not take responsibility for one's feelings and actions, often resents others who give them advice or suggestions, are not receptive to suggestions on how to do things, and often point out the flaws of other people. Passive-aggressive individuals also may pout or appear sullen, sigh often, like to make their own decisions, do not like to feel dependent on others, may be fearful of intimacy, do not possess good communication skills, and strive to avoid confrontation. Additionally, a passive-aggressive individual will selectively forget things, is often late, provides ambiguous answers, and lies or makes up excuses often for his or her behavior.

Don't Let Them Get to You: According to Life Script, passive-aggressive people often feel a sense of accomplishment when they know they have managed to irritate or frustrate you. Thus, another way to deal with passive-aggressive people is to not let them get to you. If you feel yourself getting frustrated, it is probably best to walk away from the individual for a while in order to gather yourself before interacting with him or her again. Ignoring a passive aggressive person's behavior is also a good way to show them that they are not going to get to you.

Be Calm and Rational: If you have a disagreement with a passive aggressive person, one way to cope with it is to be calm and rational. Explain to the individual what you have observed his or her behavior to be as well as the inconsistencies in his or her argument. For example, if the individual says he or she is not angry, yet the tone of his or her voice has changed and he or she is talking faster, you could point out the inconsistency between what the individual is saying and what behaviors you are observing that indicate anger.

Encourage Better Communication: If you have a very good friend or relative who is passive-aggressive, you may want to suggest to him or her to take a communication skills course. Additionally, model good communication skills to the passive-aggressive individual and respond positively and encouragingly to the individual when he or she communicates clearly and assertively.

Have No Expectations: Passive-aggressive individuals do not often keep their word or promises, which can strain relationships. Thus, another way to cope with passive aggressive people is to have no expectations of them. If someone you know who is passive-aggressive promises to do something for you, don't expect that he or she will actually follow through. Instead, make sure you have a back-up plan in place for getting what you need.

Don't Engage in Arguments: Another way to cope with passive aggressive people is to refrain from arguing with them. I know this sounds like a challenge, especially when these types of individuals tend to say things that put others on the defensive, but if you refrain from arguing with them, they might stop trying to lure you into arguments at every opportunity they see. Passive aggressive individuals like to make themselves seem like victims while making you look like the "bad guy," in arguments. Instead of defending yourself when someone you know says something to hurt your feelings like, "I thought you were a nice person," don't respond to the comment at all.

Put Agreements in Writing: One thing that is often frustrating in relationships with passive-aggressive people is that they make commitments and promises, but often do not follow through with them. They may say they, "forgot," about the commitment or they may make up some other kind of excuse as to why they didn't follow through.

If you work with a passive-aggressive person, make sure you get any agreements or commitments in writing. This way, you can hold your co-worker accountable for the commitments and agreements he or she agreed upon.

Be Direct: Be direct about how you feel and how the passive-aggressive person's actions make you feel. For instance, you might say something like, "I feel hurt when you say...." Do not place blame on them, but rather tell them how their actions make you feel by using, "I," statements. Being direct in your communication also sets a good example for the other individual.

Encourage Him/Her to Seek Professional Help: Another way to cope with passive-aggressive people is to encourage them to seek professional help. You may suggest that seeing a therapist or psychologist can help your loved one more easily express his or her thoughts and feelings, cope with difficult situations in a direct fashion, and learn how to communicate more directly. Of course, you should not expect him or her to actually seek professional help. It may take some time before an individual with passive-aggressive behavior realizes he or she has a problem.

Accept Them: Accepting someone for the way they are is yet another way you can cope with passive-aggressive individuals. While someone who acts passive-aggressively may realize he or she interacts with people in an inappropriate fashion, it is more likely that one will not change his or her behavior. If you feel your relationship with the individual is important, you will most likely need to accept the person for who they are, even when his or her behaviors frustrate you.

Sever the Relationship: If you are friends with a passive-aggressive person, you may want to consider severing the relationship. Of course, this course of action shouldn't be decided upon lightly or without first trying some of the other tips provided in this article for dealing with passive-aggressive people. However, if your relationship with a passive-aggressive individual stresses you out too much, you may need to break ties with the person in order to manage your stress and your health.

Though these individuals can affect your work relationships, friendships, or romantic relationships, these tips should help you deal with passive-aggressive people in your life.

Sources:

Life Script: Dealing With and Understanding Passive-Aggressive People:

http://www.lifescript.com/Soul/Self/Motivation/Dealing_With_And_Understanding_Passive_Aggressive_People.aspx

Passive-Aggressive Helping Hang: Passive-Aggressive Traits:

http://passiveaggressive.homestead.com/PATraits.html

Suite 101: Healing and Dealing with Passive-Aggression: Techniques for the Treatment of Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder:

http://personalitydisorders.suite101.com/article.cfm/healing_and_dealing_with_passiveaggression

The Thin Pink Line: Dealing with Passive Aggressive People:

http://thethinpinkline.com/2008/04/30/dealing-with-passive-aggressive-people/