How to Deal with Spending Thanksgiving Alone

While it's a holiday usually celebrated with family or friends, countless people spend the day by themselves when they don't want to do so. If you're one of them, you might profit from considering these tips on how to deal with spending Thanksgiving alone.

What "Alone" Really Means

We all know the traditional definition. However, alone can mean various things to different people. For those who aren't confirmed recluses, it often means not being with someone--usually plural--we really want to be with for very special celebrations.

Sometimes it means being in the same home with someone who couldn't possibly be more distant. Consider, for example, the empty nester whose husband acts disgusted when she interrupts the game on TV or the one he thinks he's winning on his computer to serve Thanksgiving dinner. Ten minutes later, he finishes eating, gets up and silently heads back to his prior activity.

Traditional Advice

Almost anybody can spout traditional advice on how to deal with spending Thanksgiving alone. Individuals in this situation are often told to take the bull (or turkey) by the horns and plan their own celebrations, to volunteer at a homeless shelter, or to pretend it's any other day of the year. The worst one of all is the pat on the shoulder accompanied by an admonition to get a piece of paper and list everything for which the individual should be grateful.

All of these suggestions work for some people. The problem is that they're useless to many others. They tell us ways to try to blunt the realization that we're alone on an important day but dance around how to embrace it.

A person who has lost a job or has limited income, is too ill to host guests, has a houseful of pets that cause a lot of sneezes, or lives in a small space that simply won't accommodate guests cannot host a Thanksgiving dinner. The chances are, though, that he or she would be happy to attend one and contribute to the menu. Even individuals with strong religious beliefs can find themselves at a loss as to how to cope with this special day.

I'm not a mental health practitioner, but I suspect that many well-meant traditional suggestions about spending Thanksgiving Day alone ignore two basic premises. The first is that most (but not all) human beings have an innate need to be part of a group that is dearest to another human being. We all want to be in that inner circle and know that we matter a lot to somebody else. Below that layer is the often-silent question of an individual's self-worth if he or she isn't part of any "dearest" group.

Alternative Advice

If you suspect you'll be alone this Thanksgiving and traditional advice doesn't elevate your mood, here are some alternatives that might click:

Acknowledge the sadness. If you're alone and don't want to be, you have a right to feel sad, at least for a while. The capacity to feel both happy and sad and to experience feelings somewhere in between is inherent to the human condition.

Rest your body and soul. Spend at least an hour doing some spiritual and physical pampering. Take a walk. Read some Scripture or a book you haven't had time to touch. Use that unopened meditation CD. If naps aren't part of your lifestyle, you'll be amazed and how refreshed one makes you feel.

Prepare a special meal. It might even be spaghetti or a big Caesar salad, depending upon your favorites. If inspired, make enough to enjoy leftovers. If you're hankering for traditional Thanksgiving fare for one, here's a helpful site. However, resist the urge to overindulge if you have a problem with alcohol or overeating.

Remember that Thanksgiving is just one day. While from a retail standpoint, it might trigger the Christmas season, it's not a season in itself. It's over at 11:59 p.m.

Avoid the urge to judge. While it's certainly not ideal behavior, people can be selfish at times. That extends to overlooking others at holidays. Try not to judge others when the 'phone doesn't ring, there's no email, and you don't get an invitation to spend Thanksgiving with someone else. If, for example, you're a person with a chronic illness who has relied for a long time on others to help you with trips to the doctor or emergency room, understand that these helpers are likely to burn out at times.

Preserve your dignity. It's fine to 'phone a friend or relative with Thanksgiving greetings. It's not fine, however, to use the greeting as a thinly veiled reason to reveal your misery at being alone on Thanksgiving. Calling several people to share the down side of the day only spreads the misery to each of them and, frankly, robs you of a bit of dignity once they realize the true purpose of your call.

Have a response ready. The next time someone asks you how you spent your Thanksgiving, have a response ready. It's fine to matter-of-factly state that you were alone, but you need to couple that thought with something positive. Here are some suggestions:

"I spent it by myself and managed to finally get around to reading X. Have you read it?"

"I spent a quiet day at home. I've been meaning to try [name of recipe], and it turned out great."

"Fido and I went for a walk in the woods until it started to rain. Then we decided it was time for a long nap."

What should you do about the troublemaker who simply wants to make you admit you spent Thanksgiving alone? Try this one: "What would make such a nice person as you ask such a rude question?" It gets 'em every time.

Sources:

http://gordonhamilton.hubpages.com/hub/thanksgiving-turkey-dinner

Personal experience