How to Deal with Your Teen's Violation of House Rules

Are you feeling frustrated because your teen is constantly violating house rules? Are you unsure on what you can do to get your teen to follow the house rules? To help understand common mistakes parents make when dealing with their teen's violation of house rules and for tips on dealing with your teen's violation of house rules, I have interviewed psychologist Colleen Quinn PhD.

Tell me a little bit about yourself.
"I am a PhD psychologist, which means that I was trained as a scientist-practitioner, always using research findings as a basis for understanding human behavior and conducting therapy. I have received grant funding from the National Institute for Mental Health to conduct research on aggression in adolescents. My research has been published in scientifically peer-reviewed journals on assessment of ADHD and treatment and assessment of bipolar disorder in children. I have therapeutically helped families in a variety of settings. Finally, I am a mother of two adult sons, who from time to time 'violated the rules.'"

What are common mistakes parents make when dealing with their teen's violation of house rules?
"Parents often engage in two common mistakes and the second seems to stem from the first. The first mistake is not involving the teen in the formulation of the rules to begin with. The second mistake is after the violation has occurred, taking an authoritarian parenting style ; in essence saying, 'I'm the boss. There is no discussion. You broke the rule. Here's the punishment.' This inevitably leads to a power struggle and a cycle of even greater rule breaking behavior. Typically, the teen concludes that the parent is unreasonable and it is, therefore, a waste of time to include the parent. The teen then adopts a style of manipulation, sneaking behind the parent's back.

The struggle during the teen years is always one of control. A healthy balance needs to be struck between how much the parent should hold the reins tightly versus how much is the teen really ready to make optimal choices."

What are some tips for dealing with a teen's violation of house rules?
"A technique called Collaborative Problem Solving works really well for several reasons but the key is that it requires an authoritative parenting style , one that is both warm and flexible yet firm

Sit down with your teen (not during a time of crisis) and examine together three areas of control.

Area A: This is the area of the teen's life that the teen already has full control over. It may take some prompting, especially if the teen is playing the role of the victim. Usually, they will admit that they do have control over their peer choices, leisure activities, music, much of their diet, dress, etc.

Area B: This is the area that the parent still needs to control to ensure optimal outcomes for their teen. This takes some macro thinking on the part of parents. Upon honest reflection, the only area that parents of teens really need control over is safety/health.

Area C: Everything Else! This means that everything else is fair game for collaborative problems solving. The beauty of Collaborative Problem Solving is that it teaches our teens the skills to make optimal choices when parents are not around to tell them what to do, at college, for instance. Furthermore, it teaches empathy to teens that are developmentally ego-centric. And most importantly, it makes the teen come up with the solution to the problem, thereby creating the rule. Teens are not apt to break their own rule!

Here's how it works. The teen comes to the parent saying what they want to do. The parents answer is, 'I'm not saying no.' This keeps the teen calm enough to stay engaged. 'But here's what I need to keep you [the family] safe. If you can come up with a solution that fulfills both your needs and the family's needs, I will agree.' Then you actually encourage brainstorming on the part of the teen.

As an example, a fourteen year old says to her parents that she knows the family rule is no dating until she's sixteen, but she's in love and this boy really ''¹..."gets' her and she wants to be exclusive. The parents get in touch with the reason for the initial rule, safety, and all of the risks involved with dating. The parents do not lecture the teen, rather, merely state that they understand how strong those feelings can be [empathy/warmth] and that they need assurance that she will never be alone with the boy, thereby risking harm. The teen echoes back her parents concerns [empathy] and suggests that she can go on group dates [brainstorming/problem-solving], ones where at least four other peers are present. Since she made the rule, she is far more likely to follow it.

One final bit of advice, as parents, all too often, our intention is to tell our children, 'no' as a way of protecting them from the pain that we know will come because we are older and wiser and experienced it ourselves. However, every time we do this, we actually rob our children of the opportunity to truly learn it for themselves. We are all experiential learners. We all tripped and skinned our knees before we learned to look where we walk, no matter how many prompts we received from our parents to, 'look where you're going'. And the most effective consequences are always naturalistic and tied directly to triggering an event or choice. For example, the feeling one receives when being called on in class and not knowing the answer will always have a more powerful impact than the grounding one receives for not doing the homework."

What type of professional help is available for a parent that is having a difficult time dealing with their teen's violation of house rules?
"As with any psychological tool, it's never one size fits all. As parents we need to understand what is triggering the behavior. Triggers can be complex and maladaptive behaviors can vary in the degrees of severity. When behaviors are so severe that one family member, the teen, becomes the cyclone that all family energy is directed toward, it is not healthy for anyone and is strongly recommended to seek professional help. Most medical insurance plans also have mental health coverage. Those without insurance should contact their community mental health center or contact a nearby university offering graduate training in psychology. Both will offer services based on a sliding scale and when working with graduate students, at times, services can be free. Also, not all psychologists are the same. I always suggest seeking someone who specializes in the problem you're seeking help for. Each state's psychological association has referral systems to plug in specialty area, geographic area, and even therapist ratings.

Note: Collaborative Problem Solving is detailed in the book, The Explosive Child , by Ross Greene and backed by extensive research done at Harvard ."

Thank you Dr. Quinn for doing the interview on how to deal with your teen's violation of house rules. For more information on Dr. Quinn or her work you can check out her website on www.NorfordPsychology.com.

Recommended Readings:

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/5514040/disciplining_a_rebellious_teenager.html?cat=25">Disciplining a Rebellious Teen

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/5673678/how_to_help_your_teen_overcome_depression.html?cat=25">How to Help Your Teen Overcome Depression

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2992358/risktaking_teen_and_parental_behavior.html?cat=5">Risk Taking Teen and Parental Behavior