How to Deal with Toxic, Dysfunctional Families During Christmas and the Holidays
How to Set Boundaries with Your Family
Christmas brings out the best and the worst in families. It is important to know that you don't have to accept bad behavior at Christmas anymore than you do any other time. There seems to be an unwritten rule that we have to get together with our families at Christmas just because it is the proper thing to do. But it is Christmas, we have to get together. They are our family!
Don't think that you have to suck it up just because others think that it is something that you must do. Sometimes you need to because your husband or wife wants to get together with their family. Sometimes when it is in-laws or out-laws, you do it for them. Although you can choose not to be around them if they are abusive to you or your children. You can't always choose your in-laws and Lord knows we can't choose our birth families. We can choose not to be around people that are toxic to us though.
I think all families seem to have them. They come in varying degrees though. It is one thing to deal with people that are just negative and jealous, and another to deal with people who are aggressive, abusive or down right hateful. If you have people like that in your family do you really need to be around them?
Alcohol and drugs bring out the worst in people. I don't mean happy, tipsy Uncle Joe, or emotional Aunt Emmy, I mean those that are really obnoxious and or hateful. You can set boundaries around those that you choose to spend time around.
One thing that I have learned though is that the more dysfunctional and toxic a family is the harder it is to set boundaries with them. If and when you tell them that something is not acceptable, such as vulgar, disgusting jokes, you may be discounted, disinherited, and or just laughed at. You have to choose your battles. Decide what is acceptable, what isn't acceptable and stick to your guns.
If you have young children in the house and you decide you don't want dirty jokes told around them or you make it clear that you will not have that in your home. If it isn't respected, don't allow them to come back to your house. I know that this is easier said than done but it is important that you learn to set boundaries, so that your children can learn to do that too. We are our children's most important teachers. We are the ones that help them to learn to set boundaries and how to stick up for themselves. We are the ones that teach them what is appropriate and what isn't.
Don't think that there is no one else in the world that you can spend your holidays with. You have other friends that you may want to spend time with. You may be surprised how many people would love to spend time with someone other than his or her own crazy, dysfunctional, toxic families.
Get involved in other circles. We are very involved with our church. We have family that we treasure and spend holidays with, but there are also family members that we choose not to be a part of. You can choose your family. It is empowering and healthy. It is also very freeing to be around likeminded people who respect and love you the way you are.
If you need to get into therapy to deal with your family and they are not willing to change, you can do it for you. It will help give you the strength that you need to take care of you and your own family.
The one thing that you absolutely must not accept is physical abuse or inappropriate touch from anyone and that includes family members. Children need to learn that they have rights, and that having anyone touch them in an inappropriate way is completely unacceptable. Don't make them hug or kiss anyone that they don't want to. Let them know that they can tell you anything. This is one thing that I stress more than anything. If this is going on in your family you must not accept this behavior. It is important to not spend any time with family members like that, holidays or any other time.
Merry Christmas and I hope you have a blessed happy healthy New Year.
Published by Shana Dines
Shana is an award winning artist. Her specialty is pastel portraits and watercolors. She has illustrated a children's book and has written and illustrated one now in publishing. She is a Christian but believ... View profile
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- Christmas, families, parenting, toxic families, toxic parents, children, setting boundaries, therapy,
- It is important to set boundaries with your families during the holidays.
- You don't have to spend time with your family just because it is Christmas.
11 Comments
Post a CommentBelieve me I understand and I sympathize. God bless you and I hope that you have a wonderful vacation. Been there and done that.
Shana, thanks for this. The holidays are upon us again, and after 2 violent altercations amongst some of my family members in recent years, my husband and I have decided to take our holiday vacation time from now on, and take a vacation! Imagine that!
Excellent tips and advice. A couple of my aunts and uncles and their kids are no longer included in family functions. It is best to remove negative and toxic people from our lives. If they weren't related we'd have nothing to do with them anyway. Very helpful! info here.
believe me I can use my own advice!
Wow Shana, thanks for this when I saw the title, I immediately sent it to my sister. She really needed this! Hope everyone who HAS to read this article does, and it is a help and comfort to them.
Oh, I so needed this! Having spent the past few years hosting Christmas because "it was expected" has ruined the holiday for me. Unfortunately, the toxic people in my family are my mother and sisters. Since my parents are not well and aging, I feel guilty, never knowing if "this is the last one," so I put up with it. What do you do, however, when the most toxic person is your mother, and your father is not well? Cutting her off cuts him off, too. You even find yourself feeling sorry for them, the thought of them alone at Christmas evoking guilt and sadness. It is a conundrum.
As always, great job :)
very good advice, everyone should read this article
You are absolutely right about setting boundaries. I think there's a big distinction between dysfunctional and toxic though. We are all, as you mention, dysfunctional to some degree or another. But toxicity should never be tolerated. We need to protect our children (and ourselves) from it, even if it means avoiding the toxic person. It doesn't necessarily mean we have to avoid the occasion, though - just the person (or people).
great article, important at the end, I never forced my 1 daughter,who was actually repulsed by touch, to hug or kiss anyone, lol i used to get an earful for that!