How to Deal Wiith Heartbreak (Pt. 1)

Yet, I've found that there is little advice when it comes to heartbreak. What about those whose relationships sadly took a turn down south? What about those who lost a loved one or found out his or her partner were just not meant to be? I can understand the lack of word on the matter, since it is certainly a tough topic. No one likes to talk about such pain or suffering. And usually the ones who do have something to say rant about how selfish their partner was or what the other person did that really annoyed them. Gee thanks, that's really helpful.

Of course, and unfortunately, it took a firsthand, personal experience for me to acknowledge this lack of wisdom with regards to the matter. I guess you never realize the need for food until you thirst and hunger yourself. But nevertheless, I wanted to offer some bits of advice and encouragement for those who might be dealing with heartbreak. For this is certainly not an easy time, you feel me?

Before I begin, I cannot claim that any of this is truly original, for I have been blessed with great friends and family who have shared their own nuggets of wisdom with me and lifted me up in times of need. And I am by no means an expert on the subject--but then again, I'd be hard-pressed to find any who really is. Just consider this as words from one student of the subject to another. (After all, I still am working through this, you know.)

In addition, I also want to add that I am not bitter or spiteful. My ex-girlfriend was wonderful. And I would like to think that she still is. I really loved her and in many ways I still do. But, of course, if any of you out there know anything about love, you'll know that it is never black and white. You might think you have found the right person--perhaps the one who matches and complements you in the different and right ways--but even then your relationship could encounter obstacles. Perhaps it is distance, or family, or I think in our case, timing. Sometimes, love really is a "losing game." But always and nevertheless, it is complex. I only wish her the best and hope that she was better for being with me as I was for being with her.

Anyways, without further ado, I would like to present to you some bits of encouragement on how to deal with heartbreak, in part one of my series (I don't know how many of these there will be but we'll just go with the flow).

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1. "Logic over emotion."

My friend said this simple yet profound statement to me one day over a lunch at our local Vietnamese restaurant. When I heard it initially, I thought he meant to just deny your emotions and let logic--or to put it more aptly, the knowledge of certain practical truths--to guide you through the difficult time. Fair enough, I thought. But then he explained it a little further, which then made a little more sense. He said something along the lines of: "Martin, do not deny your emotions or how you feel. What you feel is real and we were made with emotions for a reason. So don't try to trick yourself into thinking you aren't hurt when you really are. No, in fact, you should understand them. But once you acknowledge them don't just leave it at that and sulk. Do not act on raw emotions, because that is dangerous. You need to act on logic, on what you know is true in spite of how you feel."

That's when it hit me, the truth of his words. And practically speaking, it makes sense. Just think, if for every time I felt angry I punched someone, then I would be currently sitting in a 3x5 cell with a dude named Bubba. We can't just act on emotions because when they become our rudders we will basically have no control over what we say or do, things which we might regret later. So even though I felt like winning her back or calling her everyday to see how she's doing, I knew deep down inside that we had to stop our correspondence; I had to restrain on my end, no matter how hard it might be.

So, do not neglect how you feel. After all, you are human, and there are seasons of grief as there are of rejoicing. But also, do not be tossed by every wake of your emotion--this might lead to extreme actions that you might regret sooner or later. Discern what is the right thing to do in these circumstances and stick to your guns. This is a true test of your character.

2. Surround yourself with reasonable and rational friends.

This point is perhaps linked to the previous but it may also very well span throughout your breakup period as one of the most important things you can do. Since I am lucky enough to have a handful of dependable friends and family, I was able to vent and share my experience with those who were not only willing but actually cared to listen. Thus, I am able to get golden pieces of advice like "logic over emotion."

Undoubtedly, some people like to keep to themselves, especially when it comes to such private matters. But knowing myself, I certainly cannot hold this kind of thing in. I would like to prescribe that no matter who you are you should still seek some counsel from trusted confidants. A big reason is that we, as limited, self-centered individuals, almost always see things only from our limited, one-sided perspectives. As such, we need people to help us interpret what tragedy has just befallen us. We need people to remind us that things will be okay, even if we know it deep down inside. And perhaps more importantly than we think, we just need someone to be there with and for us.

There is an old maxim that goes, "A small pail of water is manageable until you are holding it for too long." Or something along the lines. I probably butchered it pretty bad, but the point is still the same: you must let loose some of that pain you like to hold onto, lest it become too great and overwhelm you. And what better way to do that than by sharing the burden with a friend who would like to carry you in a time of need?

Remember, we always need friends to speak sense to us whenever we cannot make sense of things ourselves.

3. Do not try to hang on.

This is could arguably be one of the hardest bits of advice I can give and had to take for myself. And even now, I still do not know if this is the action we should always take. Some people will argue that if you truly love her, you should still pursue her. You know, as they say, "With persistence come the rewards." In some cases, I might certainly agree. But with others, and more specifically with mine, I've come to see that this would be really unfair to both parties. If it is a clean break-up, then she is no longer obligated to be with me and I cannot demand to have her back, no matter how much time passes. Of course, the hard thing is that when you feel like you found the right person and your feelings tell you that you should wait. And you never know, there is always a possibility that you two could get back together later on. But the harder thing would be to hang onto that kind of hope and then have it be squashed later on. If we wait for that person to return, only to find they have moved on, then we will be even more devastated than before.

It is not fair for her to have that kind of guilt and pressure. And it is not fair (or healthy) for you to have that kind of expectation. Like I said, there is no guarantee that it will not work out, but to cling onto the hope or belief that things will turn around might be vain hope left unrealized. If it was a good thing, acknowledge the amazing time you had together and leave it at that. Who knows, maybe things will indeed change in the future. But if it was not good, then is this not what you ultimately want or need? In either case, see it for what it was and use the time that you are single to rediscover your own identity and your true passions in life. It is a very important time of self-discovery or re-discovery. And though you might not feel like it now, you never know whomever else you might meet somewhere down the line.

4. Do not try to move on, either.

Okay, so what's up with the mixed messages here? Yes, I know I said not to hang on. But "not hanging on" and "moving on" are two separate things. The subtle difference lies in the fact that one is intentional (and forced on your part) while the other is not. Often times, when we try to move on, actions manifest themselves in ways like finding another mate (rebound), convincing yourself it does not hurt (denial), or unfairly reasoning that your partner is the one to blame (deflection). All of these actions are unhealthy, especially when you consider the fact that you are not really "yourself" in the initial stages of heartbreak. As with most things in life, heartbreak takes time to heal (although I do not necessarily think "time" itself is the agent of healing, but that will be discussed in later issues). To fill your void with someone else shows your emotional dependence and instability. Sure, it might something you're used to and comfortable with--for me, she was all I knew the past 2 and a half years of my life--but having someone else will not necessarily ease the pain or cover the issues that you had before.

One of my lovely co-workers put it best, when she said, "Do not try to move on or hang on. Just try to live." Sometimes, it is not necessarily what we can or should do to make things right. Sometimes it just is what it is and we must not neglect that certain seasons come and go for a reason. All of them carry careful and precious lessons to be learned. Just be sure that you take the time to understand what you are going through and, once again, learn important characteristics about yourself. And the day will come when you will have moved on without even knowing it, maybe sooner than you think.

5. Fill your time with rest and recreation.

The good ol' R&R is at last not just applicable for the diligent student or rigorously employed. It is suitable and necessary for the heartbroken as well. During this period, we will face times in which we will have a lot of "free time" to ourselves, especially if that person was heavily integrated into your daily life routine. I did not see her everyday, but I had a pattern of texting, calling, or emailing her at certain times during the day when we did not meet. Now, as you could imagine, the time spent doing those things is now filled instead with time spent thinking about how I used to do those things. It does not take long for one to realize that this is a practice in futility.

The more practical thing to do is turn that time around doing something productive or proactive, or both. I've been using my free time to hang out with the boys once more, go watch or play basketball and hit the movie theaters. Also, I've been devoting time to one of my passions, which is reading and writing (hand-in-hand). Sure, I'll admit that I've been writing a lot of sappy poems (shameless plug but check out "The Light Found Me In The Morning" if you like super-emo), but I've also been filling my mind with good reads and current news about the world. Oh, so there's a presidential race going on? Man, come out of the hole for once!

Whatever your niche is, go find it and do not be ashamed to expend yourself in it. It will give your mind a much needed respite and also whisper to your brain that you can still live life normally even when something so traumatic has happened. So play, read, watch movies, exercise--your brain and your heart demands it!

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Well, that is all I have to share for now. Like I said, I do not claim to know it all and in fact, invite you to take my advice with a grain of salt. But some of these principles are what have helped me get through and process my time of grief. I just hope and pray you are able to get through yours, knowing that you will come out stronger and better in the end somehow.

In the next installment, I will talk about what not to do in trying to get over heartbreak. Till then, Godspeed my enduring readers!