How to Dispose of a Dead Body

Killing someone is messy business but somebody's got to do it. Granted it's not for the weak of heart or those with a sensitive stomach but it's a chore all the same. The killing part isn't all that hard, it's stashing the corpse that can lead to ulcers and migraines.

The next time you set out to murder another human being choose one of these simple disposal methods instead of dumping your dead bodies in the dumpster.

Feed the Fish
This is perhaps one of my favorite methods of disposal. It's somewhat messy and requires planning but it is a fool proof way to get rid of the evidence. Body bags and transport pouches will not be needed.

Once your victim is no longer breathing drag them out into the backyard. Spread a tarp on the ground, preferably a big black tarp, and plug in your industrial sized wood chipper. Vecoplan makes some nice ones. Feed the body into the chipper. Beware of flying chunks of flesh and spraying blood.

Make sure that the flesh mulch is spewed onto the tarp or into an appropriate sized container. Body parts should be mulched small enough as not to be recognizable.

Once all body parts have been turned into mulch, you'll want to use an antibacterial cleaner that contains a lot of bleach to clean out the inside and outside of the wood chipper.

Then simply gather the murder victim's mulched body parts and head out to a lake or even better an ocean, if you happen to have a boat, all the better. Spread the body parts on the water and let the fish gobble it up. No one will ever know what happened to the body. Water that has sharks or other flesh eating fish is best.

Serve Your Fellow Man
When it comes to removing a dead body, getting rid of all the body parts is crucial. Use the bathtub for minimal mess when chopping up the body. Sharp knives, hacksaws and axes work best for dismemberment. Throw a dinner party and serve your victim to your guests. Leg bones make excellent stock for soups and stews. Any left over bones can be fed to the dogs or baked until they can be crumbled up and spread around a garden later.

To prepare human flesh for cooking you'll need to purchase a top quality meat grinder as well as other common cooking utensils. If you can get your hands on the kind butcher shops use, that would be most desirable. When money is the problem rob your victim first and use their money to buy your tools. You might even find a meat grinder at Target pretty cheap.

For quick and simple appetizers try this recipe.

Ingrediants:
1 pound ground human butt meat
½ teaspoon Horseradish sauce
2/3 cup cream cheese
dash of Worchester sauce
4 oz chopped pimentos
1 package ritz crackers.

Directions:
Mix together the butt mean, horseradish, cream cheese, Worchester sauce and pimentos. Chill for several hours and serve on ritz crackers.

Consider Taxidermy
Why bother with buying expensive hand crafted Italian Caskets and when you can get rid of the body in a more effective way. Besides funerals are expensive and someone is bound to ask why you are burying someone nobody knew was dead. Instead, become best friends with a taxidermist. Get them tangled up in the murder so that they have no alternative but to help get rid of the body. If you have to you can always kill the taxidermist later, after he's stuffed your victim's body. Try to convince him or her to create a new face for your victim so that it is no longer distinguishable as the person you killed. At Christmas time dress the deceased as Santa. The grandkids will love that. For Halloween make the dead one of your lawn props and at Easter time put it inside a giant bunny costume. The rest of the year your stuffed body can serve as a coat rack by your front door or dressed in armor, it makes cool décor for your house. Kill twenty or so people and you'll have a interesting collection.

Make Use of the Postal System
This method involves more chopping and a ton of ziplock baggies. All you have to do is chop the body up into a zillion tiny pieces. Put equal amounts of body parts in ziplock baggies until there is no more parts. Then using FedEx or UPS mail all the body parts to people you don't know. Whatever you do, don't use your own address on the return portion of the mailing label, use someone else's. Don't forget to clean up when you are through.

Last but not least here are a few tips for you killers who are missing more than a few brain cells.

Tips for Stupid Murderers

1. Never bury your victims; they have a way of getting dug up.
2. Leaving the body behind is just bad form.
3. Always use rubber or latex gloves when you do the deed and remember to clean up.
4. Double check, triple check and quadruple check for blood drops and hair fibers.
5. Committing murder in your own home is sure to get you caught.
6. FYI - Guns make loud noises and so do your victim's screams.
7. Sharpen the knife first you idiot.
8. Telling people what you did is a really stupid thing to do, forget going to confession.
9. Everyone knows you can't hide a dead body in a suitcase; it will start to smell.

*Note to idiots; this article is written for the sole purpose of amusement. It is not a real how to guide. If you do find yourself disposing of a dead body do not refer to this article when you tell the police how you did it. The advice offered in this story is purely fictional and satirical in nature and is not intended to be taken seriously.