How to Dodge a Woman Scorned

You messed up. It happens. Not to this woman though. She trusted you and you betrayed that trust. And soon - very soon - she will come looking for you.

Hopefully you're already on the run. If not, you need to be. And although it is not a habit of mine to help the enemy, I do value human life - even your pathetic soul. With that being said, let me offer you a few basic tips on how to dodge this woman before she gets a hold of you. Because if in fact she gets a hold of you, it's a wrap (translation: you're history, buddy).

The first thing you want to do is act quickly. Remember, time is of essence and you don't have a second to waste. There are some important things that you need to take care of in the next several hours. Please read carefully.

If you're stupid enough to still be in the house and she lives there with you:

After you finish reading my article, get off the computer. But finish reading the article first (and be sure to rate it 5 stars for good luck, plus forward it to 100 people or face 30 years of bad luck). Also, before you get off the computer, make sure you remove all traces of your ever having been on it - particularly the Internet. Be sure to clear your history, delete cookies and files, and shut the computer off. In fact, you may want to take the power cord with you if it's a desktop computer, particularly if you are fearful that you did not remove all potentially incriminating evidence from it.

Take only your wallet and your car - if you have one. Yes, she will most likely burn your clothes or throw them out into the street, but you'll need a completely new wardrobe where you're going anyway. Knowing you took the shirt that she bought you on your anniversary will only add fuel to the fire, so just leave it. Taking the car though is a must - even if it's already paid for. Unless it's hers. Or both of your names are on the title. If either of these happens be the case, leave the car. But it if it's yours alone and you leave it, she is likely to alter the appearance of it drastically. She may also elect to use it as a billboard for advertising some things about you that you'd rather keep private.

If traveling by bus, you will want to run or catch a cab to a different bus stop than the one you typically use. I need not say more on this. Just do it.

Within the next 24 hours:

Submit your letter of resignation at work and apologize for not being able to give a 2-week notice. Your job will be the first place she'll head to looking for you. Your mother's house will be the second. Your best friend's house will be the third. You'll need to stay away from these three places for the next 60 to 90 days.

Quickly leave town. You may have to break this down into a series of manageable steps. It's okay to set long-term goals. Once you have reached a safety zone you can begin to explore opportunities for teaching English in China or doing missionary work somewhere overseas. But in the meantime, it's best to travel two or more states away and find temporary shelter until you can leave the country.

Do not call her to apologize! Do not - I repeat DO NOT call her to apologize. Just because you have left town doesn't mean you're safe now. There is absolutely nothing you can say to spare your life or earn forgiveness from her at this point in time. You can repent later, but not with her. Women have a keen sense of intuition and she can tell by the number of times your voice trembles per sentence which city and state you have escaped to.

Within the next month:

Change your name. Your ENTIRE name. No matter how common your name is, she will find you unless you change it. Never mind that it's the same name that your father, his father, and his father's father had. You must relinquish all rights to this name and change yours. And at this point in time, it would probably be a good idea to change your name to one that she would never in a million years be able to link to you. If your name is Bob Doolittle, for example, don't change it to Robert Davis, for women are very smart, and she will instantly know upon running across this name in the directory that it's you. Never mind that there are 789 people by the name of Robert Davis listed in the directory - she will know exactly which one is you. I would suggest that instead you change it to something like Sanjay Balakrishnan. You can revert to common law name changing for the time being and fill out the court papers later.

Significantly alter your appearance. For the next 365 days, your lady love will risk being arrested by accosting every man she spots who bears a physical resemblance to you. Therefore, you cannot afford to look like you, not even after you have relocated.

Gain or lose some weight, dye your hair and eyebrows, grow a beard and consider changing your walk. For example, if you walk perfectly erect, you may want to hunch over a bit and walk with a limp (or pretend to be knock-kneed or bowl-legged if you can master either of these).

Pray consistently. Never underestimate the power of prayer. It can change (and sometimes save) your life.

Good luck!