How Does an Online Affair Differ from Offline Cheating?

There are very few areas of modern life that haven't been touched, in some way, by the Internet. It's easy to see the influence the web has over the ways in which we shop or research information, for example. What might not be so obvious, however, are the ways in which it has altered some of the dynamics that operate in our private lives and particularly in our intimate relationships.

Voyeurism is certainly nothing new. In the modern age, movies and magazines have served to whet people's fantasies for nearly a century. Such "adult material" has usually been considered a harmless indulgence because of its basic two-dimensional unreality. A husband may not feel so threatened when his wife fawns over a movie star because he knows that there's virtually no chance of her ever meeting the person and acting out any of those thoughts. The fantasy doesn't deprive the real relationship of anything, in other words.

Much of the sexual titillation available on the web - the pornographic images and videos - is also two-dimensional and similarly "unreal". But it also offers a host of other options - from chat rooms to the relatively recent phenomenon of cyber sex - that allow real people to interact intimately without ever having any face-to-face contact.

Many people have casual attitudes towards these kinds of interactions. It isn't considered cheating by a high percentage of people in committed offline relationships, even though the flirtation and sexual exploration is occurring live - in real time between real people. Some claim to be comfortable with their partners engaging in such activities so long as it isn't repeated with the same person and doesn't lead to a face-to-face meeting. As is the case with open marriages and other kinds of "alternative" arrangements, there can be a wide range of opinions regarding what is proper and non-threatening.

Some men and women who've lost interest in sex may even welcome the outlet that their (otherwise unsatisfied) partners are able to find online. In such cases, the reasoning is that online affairs can fill a need and reduce the temptation for a partner to engage in real-life infidelity.

Whatever the arrangement, there are real risks involved when relationship partners indulge in intimate activity with other (usually anonymous) people online. Inevitably, the online relationship diverts a person's time and energy away from their primary relationship. When a partnership has grown familiar and stale, connecting with outside people in cyberspace can provide such an exciting diversion that it gradually becomes the higher priority. It can also become a sort of back-up plan, a way of always keeping one foot out the door. A man who finds his relationship with his wife suddenly on shaky ground might start thinking about the connections he's formed online and wonder if consummating one of them might be easier and more satisfying than patching up his marriage.

Infidelity is basically understood as a betrayal of a partner's trust. "Internet affairs", as they're often called, don't fit that criterion if both people in the relationship agree to the terms. However, this online activity can undermine the strength of a partnership in other ways because it says, basically, that something is lacking in it - something that needs to be sought elsewhere.