How to Dominate the Poker Table

If you're like me, you've been annoyed by those idiots who go all in with 7,2 offsuit and win a big pot. You've sworn to never play poker again, a number of times (you know you'll never mean it) because you just can't play with these loose players who don't know how to play real poker.

Lesson number one if you want to keep up, is you have to forget what you know about only playing good hands. This can be very, very hard to do. Unfortunately, when you're playing with loose players you can not be a 'stone' (a stiff player) because even pocket aces aren't worth waiting for. What good are pocket aces when the person you are going up against is betting large with a 2 and a 5 of clubs and the flop comes out in their favor? You may be a 'better player', but you won't win that way.

Second, you have to act. This is not about bluffing, this is about pretending to be a wreckless person. Stoop to the level of your annoying opponents because there will still be other 'good players' who aren't ready to throw in their pride and play like a bad poker player yet. You want to annoy those people, get under their skin, and take their money.

There are a number of ways to pull this off, but it's better to combine these methods. The best thing to do is to give of the illusion of being intoxicated. A drunk player plays loosely, and good poker players know to pay attention to who is drinking. Tricking these observers can be difficult depending on the location of the game. If you are playing somewhere where there is a bar, order several virgin drinks that appear to be alcoholic. (Fruits and umbrellas are a good thing!)

If you are playing in a 'basement game' it can be pretty impossible to fool anybody. These games are typically BYOB, and the only possible way to pull it off is to nurse one or two beers, while trying to pass off others empties as you're own. When trying to give off the illusion of intoxication, improvise on how you are convincing others that you have been drinking alot.

Good acting is important if you are pretending to be intoxicated. This means you have to talk (a LOT) and really open up (or pretend to). Slur your words without being obvious about it. The most important thing is to be messy! Don't do anything as bad as knocking over a drink, though knocking over a chip stack can be effective (as long as it is your own). You want to be messy with your card playing, but finding other ways to show messiness will make you more convincing as a sloppy player, and not somebody who's trying to appear sloppy.

Being messy with your cards are very easy. This is, in fact, an entirely different rule. The third rule to dominating the table by being a bad poker player is to forget the good player rule of mucking losing hands, and only showing winning hands if it is necessary (or somebody pays to see.) You don't want other good players to tag you as a good player anyways, so forget about that rule and step down the ranks. Play a few rounds (when the cost is low enough to get away with it) that you know you will lose. When you do this right, you can throw your losing hand, face up, to the dealer and allow everybody to view what you were holding and mark you appropriately.

Why would a good poker player want to be a bad poker player? You don't! You want to fool others into underestimating you, the same way you underestimate other players who actually go all in with 7,2 off suit and end up winning a big pot. Think how they think. Chase after inside straights or fool's flush draws. Maybe you'll catch the same luck as those idiots do, maybe you won't. Be sure that other players can tell you are playing poorly, and take advantage of this.

If you want to win the big pots, you can't be a 'penny pincher' with your chips. You're not always throwing money away by occasionally playing those bad hands (and showing it), you're investing money into convincing others that you are not a threat to them.