How to Drive Poorly: A 10 Step Guide to Bad Driving

1: Remember that you should never under any circumstances use your indicator lights. This may allow motorists behind you to gauge whether you are turning into a cross street or coming to a full stop. This will ensure that eventually you will be rear-ended and this will allow you to engage in some road-rage when in fact it was your fault all along.

2: When parking on the street be sure to park as close as humanly possible to the car in front of you, even if they in turn are parked right up against someone else's bumper. This will ensure that everyone on that section of street will have an almost impossible time trying to get out of their parking spot and you can enjoy having your bumpers bumped! as cars try to get out of their tight squeeze.

3: When stopping all of a sudden to satisfy that sudden donut craving you experience when passing your favorite pastry shop be sure that the motorist behind you is as close as possible. Avoid indicating and stop way too quickly. This will allow the car behind you to swerve quickly to avoid hitting you and the resulting cursing you receive from said motorist should drift harmlessly by your sub-conscious as you are completely oblivious to anyone on the road except for yourself.

4: Do...Honk your car horn at every possible opportunity. It is essential that if your car is behind another at a red light that you honk your car-horn as soon (& we are talking milli-seconds here) as the red light turns to amber. A single little 'beep!' may not be annoying enough though, so you might like to multi-beep the car in front. Be sure to follow up on this manic honking by slowly following the car in front or stalling out altogether.

5: If you have a driveway be sure to drive into the driveway face-forward. This will allow you to enjoy backing up blind-sided into the road the next morning as you blearily try to get to work. Do not make it easy for yourself by actually backing in to your driveway for a quick & easy exit the next day. This would make getting to work the next day way too easy and you need the challenge at 6.00 in the morning.

6: Make sure that you never have more than one hand on the wheel at any one time, especially when turning sharp corners. This will increase the excitement created by the imminent threat of losing control of your car altogether. You can enhance this excitable feeling as you are driving by either talking on your cell-phone, texting, drinking hot coffee, applying make-up or looking adoringly at your soon to be deceased spouse/child. The threat of imminent death should of course be considered fun for the whole family.

7: When turning corners make sure to turn way too early and way too sharply. This will allow you to be a threat to oncoming traffic and will increase the possibility of racking up 'Death-race 2000' style points by hitting any foolhardy pedestrian stupid enough to think that the road is anything but your cars domain. Combine this with just barely making the amber sign in a screech of furious wheel-burning and you can turn your day into a homicidal thrill-fest for everyone.

8: Remember that you can never be too close to a stop sign, pedestrian crossing or solid white line. It is preferable to run right over these if you can but if some crazy pedestrian is silly enough to think that they should be allowed to cross the road you may have to come to a speeding halt. Make sure you are in 3rd or 4th gear as you near any stop sign; this will allow you to screech to a stop dramatically with centimeters to spare between you and the stop sign. Ideally your car's body should be sitting across the stop sign. By doing this you will make any pedestrian who is trying to cross feel particularly uncomfortable as they won't quite know if you're coming or going. To further annoy any potential crossee, wave them across whilst sighing furiously to yourself - this will make it look as if you are doing them a favor.

9: Be sure that your car alarm is in full working order. Then make sure you park it a good distance from your home so that you can ignore it as it wails and screems at 2.00am in the morning when your local terrorist squirrel drops a nut on the hood.

10: In Icy Wintry conditions be sure to park your car half way across your driveway and the pavement. Set up a video feed from the back of the car you bought that was too big to fit in your driveway so that you may delight in watching old age pensioners fall and crack various hips and bones as they try to get around your car without getting run over.

Paying attention to the 10 tips above will assure you of an exciting and eventful motorist life........or death. Whichever you prefer.