How to Dye Your Hair - A Humorous Take on What Goes Wrong

Locate the following items before you begin.

1. Hair dye of an appropriate color
2. Protective gloves
3. Sealing conditioner

All of which should come in the store-bought package. If however, you are using an ancient method of dye you will need to buy these items individually.

4. Bath towel
5. Bar of soap
6. Box of tissues
7. Hand mirror
8. Old oversized t-shirt
9. Telephone
10. Ball cap
11. A deck of playing cards
12. Your wallet
13. Car keys

Migrate to a sink, preferably one with a raised faucet to prevent banging your head during the rinsing process. If you fail to find such a sink or simply refuse to do so, add to the above list...

14. An ice pack
15. Stress ball

First, remove all jewelry or anything you don't wish to become the soon to be color of your hair. Dress yourself in over-sized t-shirt (8), making sure that your head doesn't come out of the armhole. That might make things a bit queer. Dress your hands in the cheap version of doctor gloves(2). Pretend you are about to perform open-heart surgery, pulling the top of the glove away from your arm and letting it snap back into place.

Take the formula(1) for "a new you" in your hand and shake. Apply some of the solution to your hair starting at the roots. Be sure to fully saturate each of the hairs on your head. If you wish you could simply use the whole bottle or simply discard it. But DO NOT under any circumstance try to salvage the remainder of the mixture. Doing so will may result in serious injury. The bottle will either explode or be consumed by the child around the age of three. Thus leaving you with only one eye or a lawsuit that is not worth the $5.98 you pay for the stuff. If some of the solution manages to work its way onto your skin simply wash with soap(5) and water before you look like something out of the Star Trek movies.

Pick up the telephone(9) and attempt to contact an old friend. After you have exhausted all possibilities and come to realization that you never really had friends in the first place, grab the deck of playing cards(11). Arrange the cards on the counter as you begin to play solitaire. Continue doing this for approximately forty-five minutes or shorter if you feel like your scalp is on fire. In which case you should probably use the phone again to contact a physician.

Wrap the bath towel(4) around your shoulders top help stop excess trickle, while rinsing your hair. Close your eyes and carefully submerge your hair into a sink of running water. If you suddenly feel like you're drowning, remove the stopper from the sink and continue. Do this for about ten minutes or until the water runs clear. Unless of course you are in Mexico, then you should use your own judgment as to when your hair is thoroughly rinsed. Now, using the hand mirror(7) examine your newly colored hair.

When you realize something has drastically gone wrong and your hair is either jet black or bright orange, grab the box of tissues(6) to confide in. After you have had a real nice cry, get your wits about you and place the ball cap(10) on your head. Not that it will prevent people from knowing your mistake because it won't. It's not everyday you see a person wearing an old oversized t-shirt and discolored rubber gloves rushing around with the look of sheer panic glowing in their tear-filled eyes. Grad your nearby wallet(12) and car keys(13), drive to the store, and purchase hair stripper and a different shade of color. Then, repeat the previous steps. Remove the gloves and finish with the conditioner(3) to give your hair a silky glow. Style as usual.