How to Earn the Respect of Your Young Children

I have two children, ages six and eight. They aren't perfect children (as we are not perfect parents) but one thing people comment on the most is that they are very well behaved in public. They almost never show disrespect, they always say "please" and "thank you" and they still act like children and not miniature adults afraid to make mistakes. They have never had a food fight in a restaurant. And not since two years old have they ever run away from us when we've called them.

But we have seen those "other" kids that have more than one bad day. The parents consistently look exasperated and always fighting for control. I've seen children grow from elementary school age to their teen years carrying that same disrespectful attitude that landed them in school suspensions, jail, and sometimes even worse. It always starts at the beginning, as my mom used to say.

So how have we managed to keep our kids on the straight and narrow so far? My wife and I earned their respect from the start. And although my wife and I were raised in different backgrounds, our education backgrounds in Psychology and child care combined with our own personal experiences helped us shape our kids into respectful humans. We have a few tips that can help you keep your kids on the right path while you still have time to mold and shape them.

Respect yourself. However you treat yourself is how a child will treat himself when you aren't looking. If you are disrespectful to your own personal boundaries and self-esteem, how can a child expect to be molded into a confident human being? "Start at the beginning", my mom used to say. I was at a friend's house watching a major sporting event when his eight year-old son did his best to interrupt our fun. He would dance in front of the television, drop stuff, anything possible to get attention. And all his dad did was huff, sigh, and say things like "can't you see we're watching the game?" and "stop it or you're grounded!"

Does that mean that he should quit watching the game all together and lose her fun while her child acts up? No, not really. But spending time with your child BEFORE the game and explaining the upcoming event may have alleviated that situation. Or even taking five minutes to see what the child really wants and explaining what is going on would have helped, too. The child feels like they got their attention and will most likely move on to have fun with kids his own age.

Lead by example and preach what you practice. Adults can feel like they don't owe a child an explanation. But consider this: do you want your child learning respect from you or from someone else? Would you want your child to grow up doing what people told them "because they said so" or would you want them to be able to understand the differences between right and wrong and make their OWN informed decisions? Taking the time to explain to my daughter that I can tell her to clean her room while mine is messy can make a huge motivational difference IF there is a logical explanation. Mine was that we have a hundred jobs to do all day like wash their clothes, take them to school, make all the meals and clean the rest of the house. Her only job was to clean her room and pick up the dirty clothes that we wash and put up the clean ones that we folded. I told her we clean our rooms after all those jobs are done and they are in bed. I then respectfully asked her how she would be if mommy and daddy did none of their jobs and she had to do all of them. I asked her when she would have time to play with her friends or on the computer if she had to do all our jobs. After that, she stopped arguing and was happy to clean her room. In fact, she wants to do MORE chores so she can feel like an adult. If she's good, we let her put up the dishes!

The same works with apologies. We have seen many parents MAKE their children march up and give an apology, but how often has a parent done that with their own kids? It is tough to show your kids your faults, but they will more often than not forgive their hero and respect them more.

Understand your children's differences and respect them. My son is a little younger and didn't quite get this concept of how cleaning your room is the only job you have. One Saturday I made him follow me around from chore after chore. He had no fun, played with no friends or did any computer games until every job WE had to do was done. If I folded clothes, he sat next to me. If someone spilled something on the table, he cleaned it up for all of us. When I vacuumed, he held the chord. If I raked the yard, he did that while listening to his friends play. There was no argument, and I never raised my voice. At the end of the day I asked him "which is the hardest job: cleaning your room or the whole house?" After giving the obvious answer I said "the next time you complain about making your bed, think about what you could be doing instead". He learns by example whereas my daughter learns by logical explanation. We couldn't expect either to better retain information by doing the opposite.

Honor your children in private and in public. I used to find myself saying such nice things about other people's kids. That isn't a bad thing. But my problem was that I didn't praise my own children in public. I would pick up a friend's child and toss him around while ignoring my own who wanted the same fun. After watching someone else do the same, I came to realize that I wasn't being fair in honoring my kids. It is the same with disciplining them. How could I sternly speak to my children in church but politely ask another child to stop doing the same wrong things? On paper it makes sense because you can't yell at someone else's kids without facing parental wrath.

But we found a healthy alternative. We would usually pull our kids aside and remind them of what WE expect their behavior to be and even talk about how we've seen them do it. "Just because your buddy is doing the wrong thing doesn't mean you get to. You were very good last week. Can I trust you to behave in the children's group when I'm not looking, or do you need to sit with us through the whole sermon so you don't get in trouble?" They understood that we gave them a choice- well, SORT OF game them a choice- and that we respected them enough to make it without embarrassment.

Follow Through. I worked with a kind, sweet lady a number of years ago. She was very different when she was out with her kids. She had a rambunctious little six year-old boy that couldn't get enough of mommy's love. She would get so frustrated with him she would say "GET back over here or I swear I will drop kick you into oblivion!" Of course he didn't believe her. She would count to three and expect him to show up, but it always went to six or seven and a couple of steps forward before he came back. "That boy NEVER listens to me" she would say out of frustration.

But honestly, what could she expect? She never followed through. No matter the situation a child will respect you if you keep your promises. They will know they can trust you to do what you say which is exactly what you want out of them. So if you can't keep that promise, don't say it. And if an extenuating circumstance keeps you from following through on a promise, sit down and explain what happened and that you have another plan you will come up with later to make it up to them.

As you can see, earning your children's respect takes more work on your behalf than others. There are many people in the world that will not respect them when they grow up, and there may be people who expect it out of them that don't deserve it. If you earn their respect rather than demand it, they will follow your example.