How the Ego Can Destroy a Good Relationship

If we don't feel sufficiently loved early on in our lives - and many of us, indeed, were not - then we can grow up with the conviction that there is a scarcity of love out there in the world at large. We will act in line with this belief: and hence, if and when real love does come our way, we may question it, shun it, or find subtle (and not so subtle) ways to drive it away. We don't trust it, and therefore don't know how to welcome it into our lives. Then when the relationships we try so hard to hold onto fall apart, we're left wondering what went wrong.

This kind of scarcity thinking plays itself out in so many relationships, in myriad ways. Instead of mutual sharing, there is a lot of competition, power plays, control, judgment, criticism, testing, even abuse. It's as if we're daring our partners to contradict the belief that we hold; but because it is our belief, only we can change it - and no matter how much effort somebody else makes, they will always disappoint us.

The belief that we are inherently unlovable is what psychologists and spiritual teachers are both apt to label a part of our counterfeit selves. Our counterfeit selves are oriented around ego, which is in turn oriented around fear. The ego tells us that we are separate, alone, and at the mercy of the world when we are, in fact, the creators of our reality.

Acting from that base, the ego always tries to get what it can from the world - because it believes that it lacks, and only what is out there can fill the gaping hole inside. Until we're able to break this pattern at the root - at the place where those old feelings of being unloved have lain for all these years - we'll continue to play it out with our intimate partners. Our relationships won't be a mutual coming together of two people who know their own worth, but rather a struggle to get from the other what we can really only find within ourselves.

The ego has a million tricks up its sleeve to keep us engaged in this game. It tells us that our feelings are not our own, but that they arise only as a result of what another person does or doesn't do. It tells us that we're never safe when we're vulnerable; we're only safe when we're defensive and quick with the counterattack. It tells us that if we're not possessive and controlling, we might lose our partner. And so on and so on.

If we allow the voice of the ego to guide us through life, the relationships that we form will always be expressions of our own sense of incompleteness. Only when we begin to experience ourselves as lovable can we open up the possibility of being with someone who will mirror love back to us. As with everything else in life, the real battle is fought and won within.