How to Get Elected to the Senate

Why fiddle around running for city council if your real ambition is to be a United States senator? Getting elected to the Senate is easier than you might think. Incumbents are remarkably beatable. These days voters are suspicious of career politicians, especially senators. Seats in the Senate turn over three times more frequently than seats in the House of Representatives.

Although still uncommon, skillful amateurs entering politics for the first time have had success winning election to the Senate, including entrepreneurs, athletes, surgeons, and actors.

Who should run?

Based upon an analysis of the current and previous Senate bodies, certain traits have been shown to enhance electability. Complete the following checklist to see if you have the stuff to be elected.

Male. (Add 10 points): It may not be politically correct, but with the exceptions of the Northeast and the West Coast, the Senate is the province of men. Although there has been a lot of talk about women in the Senate during the past decade, there are still only 14 out of 100.

Age 50 or younger. (If not, deduct 15 points): Although the average age in the Senate is 59, statistics compiled by political scientist Joseph A. Schlesinger show your chances of winning the Senate as your first elected office past age 50 are low. When you get past age 60, forget it.

Married. (Add 10 points): A startling 88 percent of senators are married. As to whether they are happy or not, one can only speculate. We note, however, that extramarital hanky-panky has brought down more than one sitting senator.

Military veteran. (Add 10 points; decorated veterans add 15 points): Of the current senators, 36 are veterans. Serving in uniform, especially during wartime, quickly answers any questions about your patriotism. Decorated war heroes are disproportionately represented in the Senate and include Daniel Inouye, John Kerry, Chuck Hagel, and John McCain.

Churchgoer. (Atheists deduct 10 points): The census takers will not ask about it, but voters want to know. Roman Catholics do well in most parts of the country. Naturally, there are some exceptions. Baptists and Methodists run best in the South. Jews do well in California and the Northeast. And don't even think of running for the Senate from Utah unless you're a Mormon. If you are not sure what you are, consider joining the Episcopal Church. There are 10 times as many Episcopalians in the Senate as there are in the United States population at large.

Well-known businessman, entertainer, or professional athlete. (Add 15 points): Senators John Glenn, Bill Bradley, Jesse Helms, Hillary Rodham- Clinton, Jon Corzine, and Bill Frist all had no previous political experience before running for the Senate. Being famous helps these days when an appalling percentage of voters cannot even name their governor, let alone their two United States senators. The advantages of celebrity are pronounced in large states like California and New York where media costs are exorbitant. While no guarantee of success, notoriety means you have the luxury of spending time and money articulating your message rather than identifying yourself.

Tough as nails. (If not, deduct 15 points): Senate campaigns are long, tedious, exhausting, and often unpleasant (especially the groveling for money part). You and your family will be subjected to scrutiny rivaled only by certain medical procedures. A hardy constitution and mental fortitude are essential.