How to Encourage Your Children by Love Note Journaling

"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways." Those famous first words of the sonnet by Elizabeth Barrett Browning usually conjure up romantic thoughts of a lover. But how many ways do we also love our children? How much more often, though, do our words of criticism make it to their ears, while our sonnets of love, appreciation and pride remain unwritten and unspoken?

Such can be the nature of today's fast-paced life, where harried parents struggle to keep their jobs, homes and families going. When pressured to make sure beds are made, dishes done and homework ready to go, how often do we find ourselves criticizing our kids for what they don't do - quickly enough, well enough, often enough? Or the mistakes they make - breaking things, losing things, forgetting things? And all the while neglecting to tell them how special and creative and precious they are and all the many ways that we love them?

I'd like to share the most wonderful idea with you, an idea that addresses this very problem. I can't take credit for it. I'm not even sure where it originated, but several years ago, a good friend of mine passed this idea along to me after she had learned of it from someone else. It is the idea of writing love letters or notes to our children in a journal, then giving the journal to them - daily, weekly, monthly - to read.

I put this idea into action soon after I learned about it, and have been doing it for several years now. I don't do it nightly, not even weekly, but I do write a few page "love note" to my son at least two or three times per month and it has been a wonderful experience for both of us. Let me share with you a little bit about how it has worked for us and how it might work for you, too!

1. Get a small diary or journal for each of your children. Each child should have a different journal, picked especially for them. Having a separate, personalized journal helps each of your kids to feel special and to know that what you have written was just from you to them.

My son was 12 when I started this and a big Golden Retriever lover, so the first journal I bought has Golden Retriever puppies on the front and back cover. My son doesn't exactly LOVE to read, so the pages are not that big and I only write a few pages each time at the most ... More than enough to convey my message while accommodating his reading tolerance level! He quickly came to look forward to reading his Love Notes in his own personal Golden Retriever journal.

2. Only use your Love Note Journal to convey POSITIVE thoughts and feelings, NEVER, EVER to chastise or criticize. We all get plenty of negative in our lives. Writing it down and giving it to our children can only serve to reinforce their negative beliefs about themselves during a stage of life when they are still so fragile and impressionable. Use the journal to tell them what a good job they've done, how proud you are of them (be specific) and how much you are glad to be their mom or dad.

I have been able to tell my son how proud I am of his choices of friends, how he works hard to improve his grades, how generous and kind he is, and I always tell him specifically what I have observed that warrants that pride. I have been able to tell him how grateful I am that he is my son and how much I love him.

3. Use your Love Note Journal to guide and instruct. I have also been able to tell my son how I believe the positive qualities I see in him will serve him well in life, in work, even in relationships as a friend, a husband, a father. When telling him how much I appreciate how responsible he is with his chores, I have been able to tell him how that will be a valuable quality to employers or clients. When telling him how comforting he was to me and how much I appreciated his help and concern when I came home from surgery several years ago, I could tell him how much a wife will appreciate those qualities and his giving, caring nature. Journaling has given me the opportunity to explain in more detail how important character is to the quality of life. I have been able to show him the value of his good choices and reinforce his positive attributes.

4. Use your Love Note Journal to apologize. How often do we make mistakes, particularly mistakes in parenting, but fail to truly apologize or explain? Using your Love Note Journal, you can tell your child that you're sorry and help restore rifts in your relationship that might otherwise only deepen.

Not long ago, my son used my car keys to get into the car in the garage. But then, rather than immediately put the keys back, he misplaced them. When I needed to go to work, the keys were nowhere to be found. Although I'm not one to speak harshly to him, my expression of frustration was more than enough to make him feel very bad about it ... and about himself. He began saying how he always lost things, bringing up several other things he'd lost over the years. I could see he was "branding" himself with this label - A guy who always lost things. Although it really isn't the case - he is actually very responsible - I was too frustrated and too much in a hurry to correct him at that moment.

But I thought more about it later and I didn't want him to be left feeling that way about himself or thinking that I was mad at or disappointed in him. I wrote to him in his Love Note Journal that I was not disappointed in him, that I see that he is a very responsible young man and that there isn't an adult alive that hasn't misplaced their keys a time or two. I apologized for being angry when it happened, and I told him how much I love him and how proud I am of him. And we also talked about all this, a conversation that I might have missed having had I not been in the mode of noticing and writing to him about such things in the journal ... Which brings me to my final point ...

5. Let Love Note Journaling get you in the habit of recognizing and expressing your love and appreciation for your children, whether in writing, in conversation, or in hugs! If you're like me, you sometimes realize that your child has just done something that makes you proud or makes you smile, yet you fail to tell them. Or perhaps you realize you were a little too hard on your children, or maybe they're too hard on themselves, yet you fail to find the words to apologize or help guide them to a more positive self image. I have found that one of the most wonderful side-benefits of Love Note Journaling is that it has made me more aware of those moments and those issues and has gotten me in the habit of expressing my thoughts and feelings to him. And not only in the journal - but verbally, right there on the spot! As a result, our relationship is more open and more positive all the time and it seems the more I tell him how good or kind or thoughtful or responsible he is, the more he becomes exactly that.

Clearly, I am sold on Love Note Journaling. It has been a wonderful relationship and self-esteem building tool for my son and me. My son will have his journals for the rest of his life - Love and Instruction from his mom to take with him and remind him that he is cherished. I hope you will give it a try with your children. Even more so, I hope it will be the blessing for your family that it has been for mine.