How to End Power Struggles with Your Child

Do you find yourself in constant power struggles with your child? Are you unsure on what you can do to end the power struggles with your child? To help understand common mistakes parents make that get them into power struggles with their child and how you can end power struggles with your child, I have interviewed therapist Travis Frye.

Tell me a little bit about yourself.
"I am a Certified Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist and Licensed Professional Counselor who work primarily with couples, families, and those struggling with relationship issues. I have worked extensively with parents helping them to form better relationships with their children and to learn more productive ways of managing behaviors. As a parent of 3 children I can really appreciate what it takes to raise a family during this day and age."

What are common mistakes that parents make that get them into power struggles with their child?
It was not that long ago that my wife, three children, and I were on a walk together. My eldest son who was about 6 years old at that time was riding his bike as we walked along side of him. We came upon a dirt track area where my son could ride his bike off road and try his hand at jumping dirt mounds. His zeal to conquer the jumps quickly turned to anger when he was not only unable to master the jumps, but as he ended up falling off his bike several times.

In his anger he threw his bike to the ground and stomped off. I became angry and told him something to the effect of if he was not going to try then we should just go home. He agreed and as soon as we got back onto the trail towards home he sped away on his bike. My yells for him to stop were to avail. He was gone. No where to be seen.

With my heart pumping I started to run after him, and as I was running I remember thinking that when I finally catch up to him I'm going to kick his little butt. I was so angry that he gave up and now was being disobedient by riding away. It was a very good thing for him that I didn't catch him right then and there. It allowed me to reflect on what was truly going on for me. The root of my anger was fear. All I could think of was my son being kidnapped, eaten by a wild animal, or being hit by a car. I was not there to protect him, keep him safe. I was so afraid of losing him and my fear was coming out as anger.

Once I finally caught up to him and saw that he was okay there was instant relief. I couldn't talk to him though as I was still upset. We got home and he went to his room, and I spent more time to calm down and think about what just happened. When I was ready to talk to him I walked into his room and immediately I saw him tense up. It was like he was waiting for me to blast him about quitting and then taking off. I totally understand his tense reaction because there have been plenty of times before that I have allowed my anger to get us into power struggles.

What I did and said this time however was totally different. I looked him in the eye and with my voice trembling told him how afraid I was when he rode away. Immediately his face and body softened. I told him how all I could think about was him getting hurt, and how I was not there to keep him safe. He no longer saw me as angry and punitive. What he saw now was my fear and how extremely important he is to me. As we sat there with me opening my heart to him a wonderful things happened. My son began to open up and talk about how he felt like a failure for not being able to jump his bike. The poor little guy was hurt and embarrassed.

We were able to really help one another understand each other's thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. I was able to talk to him about the rules and the importance of not riding away, staying near dad to be safe. He was open and responsive to me laying down the rules because he knew it came from my concern and love for him as his father. If I had gone in there angry, criticizing, and demanding that he never do that again his response would have been to tune me out, disagree, and act like he does not care. This would set me off even more and then we would have been off to the races. A power struggle is born. I know because I have been there so many times as I am sure you have too.

Parents will often get into power struggles with their children when they themselves become out of control and fail to manage their own emotions, especially anger. If I did not slow my anger down and realize what was truly happening for me it would have ended in disaster. I would have gone in with guns blazing and my son would have most likely been defensive and argumentative. We would have been caught in a power struggle. It takes two to have a power struggle and when you, as the parent, lose control you are playing right into it.

Let's talk about a situation that I know most parents have encountered before. It's before dinner time or you're at the grocery store and your sweet little angel wants candy. You, in your infinite wisdom, know this is not a good idea and refuse to hand it over. Your child, in their most persistent manner, will not drop the issue. They will whine, threaten, bargain, flatter, or attempt any other tactic to get their way. A power struggle ensues if you, as the parent, engage the child in their desperate attempt to get what they want. The child has the parent exactly where he or she wants them. That is, in a debate over the candy where the child now has the upper hand. The child's mindset is that if I can get you upset, out of control, and negotiating with me then maybe it will lead to getting the candy.

If your child attempts to suck you in to power struggles like the one I described please do not be alarmed. All children naturally test the limits. It is not a "bad" thing but rather normal behavior that is to be expected and a part of our learning process. Our job as parents is to stay in control of our own emotional responses and to firmly yet gently set the boundaries on their behavior. So if your child wants the candy the one and only way they are going to get is by doing exactly what you say as the parent. There is no bargaining, kissing up, or angry and aggressive outburst that is going to get the child what he or she wants! In fact, if the child tries to manipulate the situation it will lead to not only missing out on the candy but also having additional consequences as well.

Now in some instances, like the story of my son, it is extremely powerful to identify the deeper emotions going on for you and for your child. Sharing on a deep emotional level lowers the defenses and stops power struggles dead in their tracks! It helps your child to understand their needs and feelings and to learn how to manage difficult and painful emotions. Closeness to a loved one and receiving comfort and care develops the parent-child bond and is the BEST antidote to power struggles.

Simply put the biggest mistake parents make that result in power struggles is getting angry and engaging in negativity. A hard line rule is to not negotiate your power and authority as a parent when a rule is being enforced! At the same time, realize that it is healthy to your child's development to talk about and manage their emotions. As you lead the way they will follow."

What type of impact do the power struggles have on the parent child relationship?
"Power struggles can lead to a break down of the emotional bond between the parent and the child. Prolonged fighting with your child can cause the relationship to suffer in that you as the parent may begin to feel angry or resentful towards your child. You may find that you do not enjoy time with your child or that your reactions towards them become increasingly negative. As you become more "defensive" in the relationship it can contribute to your child's poor behavior as they anticipate and sense your anger towards them. This can result in setting up vicious and negative patterns of interaction that slowly ware away the parent-child relational bond.

Children who miss out on the benefits of a safe and secure attachment to their parents tend to struggle in other relationships throughout their life. Children may internalize the anger and frustration of their parents to the point where they feel bad about themselves or that something must be wrong with them. They may also grow to see others as being unsafe and not to be trusted. Developing a negative view of self and others is extremely devastating to the healthy development of any child."

What are some things parents can do to end power struggles with their child?
"Simply put, the biggest mistakes parents make that result in power struggles is losing emotional connection to themselves and their child, allowing anger to turn into out of control behavior (for both parent and child), and engaging in the negativity. Do not negotiate your power and authority as a parent when a rule is being enforced! Also, realize that it is healthy to your child's development to talk about emotions (the roots of behaviors), which help them to manage their behaviors. Finally, model the behavior you want to see in your children. As you lead the way they will follow."

What type of professional help is available for parents who are frequently in power struggles with their child?
"It is good to know that we are not alone in our parenting efforts and that there is so much help readily available for all of us. To start with on almost any given day you can read or hear a parenting expert give advice. There are numerous books written by numerous authors that offer solid support and guidance. If a more intensive intervention is needed then it is best to go and see a counselor who is trained in Marriage and Family Therapy. These counselors have specific training to work in family, parenting, marriage, and relationships problems. They can provide specific, guided, and directed help to overcome power struggles and other parenting problems."

Thank you Travis for doing the interview on how a parent can end power struggles with their child. For more information on Travis Frye or his work you can check out his website on www.crossroadsfcc.com.

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