How to Enjoy Family Gatherings During the Holidays and Avoid Unpleasant Conflicts

Holidays and special occasions such as weddings, graduations, birthdays and Bar Mitzvahs are meant to bring families together in celebration, but sometimes family members butt heads in conflict instead. Family events can be a challenge, but believe it or not, they can also be a lovely time of sharing and caring with your flesh and blood.

My own experience this past Thanksgiving was proof positive that it is possible to leave the dinner table with the warm fuzzies intact - our celebration was so nice, we did it twice! My boyfriend has a large family and my family's schedule is a bit out of the norm, so this year we ate Thursday's meal at his mother's house, and then did it all over again with my family on Sunday - a compromise that worked out well for all involved!

If your family tradition is to traditionally have unpleasant family gatherings, here are some ways to get through (and maybe even, enjoy!) the next one:

1. Assess. Before the day, take some time to look back on other recent family get-togethers. What did you enjoy most about last Easter? Who brought what dishes to Rosh Hashanah? What caused the argument at your sister's wedding? Why did your uncle leave early from Thanksgiving? By recalling past events, you will have a better perspective of what to expect, and how to manage, what might happen at the next one.

2. Troubleshoot. Without being a pessimist, think about what could go wrong, and come up with a strategy to "fix it" in order to keep the day running smoothly. For instance, since the Democrats won the House last fall and since your Aunt is an argumentative, unrelenting, die-hard Republican, try to think of a change of topic in the event the conversation turns political. Or, since your grandfather has an affinity for Scotch that leads to a less-than-pleasant personality switch, try to keep Scotch out of the house, or if not, offer to serve it to him, and water then it down when he's not looking. Finally, if holiday preparations stress you out, you might want to avoid hosting the celebrations and instead simply bring a dish to someone else's house. But, if you insist on being the designated host, instead of driving yourself mad over every little detail of your holiday spread, make it easy on yourself. Buying some pre-made dining options from the local supermarket or specialty store, using festive paper dishes and plastic utensils, and asking people to contribute a bottle of wine to the feast will cut down on your work tremendously. You'll have less dishes to wash, less time in the kitchen and not a burned turkey in sight. (and if your mother doesn't approve, just remember that that's HER issue, not yours…)

3. Be Diplomatic. Sometimes, it's best to swallow your pride along with your wine. Everyone has a different personality, and sometimes, different personalities clash. Even in a close-knit family, our individual preferences and opinions can come in between our thicker-than-water relationships. While the argument might be an old one, or even if it's normal for you and your brother to fight, remember that you are contributing to the comfort and joy of the rest of your family - third-party arguments set some observers on edge and can ruin their experience. To help your family remember your pecan pie instead of your pigheadedness, sense when an argument is escalating and nip it in the bud. If you're the one about to scream, stop and breathe (see hint #4), and just say, "you know, this probably isn't the time to discuss this." Or, if you are stuck between two cousins who don't see eye to eye, then diffuse the situation by reminding them of the occasion, or, if all else fails, suggesting they go outside. No matter how right you are, or how right you want to be, it might just be better to drop the subject and move onto to dessert!

4. Breathe. Taking a deep breath or stopping to count to five really can help you manage stress, anger or sheer frustration. I outlined a scenario above showing how taking a "breather" could help you diffuse a potentially volatile verbal altercation, but it has other uses, too. Let's say you're in the kitchen helping your mother prepare an appetizer and she begins complaining incessantly about this, that and the other thing…rather than joining in with your own negativities or telling your mom to be shut it (which is just rude), or getting so annoyed with the conversation that you do or say something you might regret, just take a second and then excuse yourself to another room. Or if you can't leave, then try to change the subject. Or if you can't do either of those, then put a smile on your face (see hint #5), nod and avoid saying anything.

5. Smile. If, despite every attempt to make it pleasant, the family event turned out to be a bust anyway, just smile. Science has proven that the conscious act of smiling produces the same mood effects as involuntary smiling, i.e. forcing yourself to smile when you are sad and smiling when you are happy create the same emotional state. Therefore, it is possible to get through a bad situation simply by smiling. A smile may not make the family circus end, but it will make you feel better for a little while.

And while you're busy breathing and smiling in a diplomatic fashion, do try to love your family for who and what each person is. Sure, it may not always be easy, but isn't it better to appreciate the time you have together now, rather than regret not having enough time later? Happy Holidays!