How to Escape, Identify and Eliminate "That Guy"

We've all met him. He meets your date and becomes infatuated with her. And, suddenly, you're being attacked by his tactics, as he tries desperately to win your date to his side. He keeps talking and talking, and your blood pressure keeps rising and rising. You're annoyed, and you want to shut him up, but not be rude about it. What can you do?

I've been a victim to this guy way too often, as many men have. While they may not (and probably won't) take your date away, they'll sully the evening enough that you probably won't be going to bed with your date on that night, or any other night. How do you stop this threat from even happening?

First things first: Identify your enemy. There are many types of "That Guy." More often than not, if you can figure out what kind of "That Guy" they are you can devise an easy plan to circumvent or eliminate them. Some of the types include: Meat Head, Rico Suave, Smart-ass, The Music God, Soldier Boy, and The Sad Bastard.

Meat Head
The Meat Head is easy to identify: he's muscular and wears clothes that show off his muscularity. He talks about weightlifting and contact sports like they're his religion and he's a televangelist. He'll use any attempt he can to make you look small and weak, or threaten to fight you, or threaten that he could "beat the crap out of you." Nine times out of ten, Meat Head will not even be able to make your date think twice about you. The best thing you can do when Mr. Meat Head starts attacking you is play it cool - don't let him get under your skin. If you do, and you lose your temper, that could be your last date with that girl, since you have "such an anger problem." In fact, the best thing you can do is turn around every weightlifting comment he makes to make you look weak. A civil response is usually, "I could work out, if I had the time. Bills to pay, that sort of thing." While he may sit around and annoy you the rest of the night, he's mostly harmless.

Rico Suave
Rico's not always of Spanish lineage; more often than not he's just some sleaze-ball who thinks that his charm and "good looks" will try to convince your date that you are an ugly dog who doesn't deserve to look at her or even think of her. He'll talk about his looks extensively, or what he's done for other girls. Dinner, expensive vacations, romantic gestures, and the like. Your date may be charmed by his antics, but your best bet is to always keep cool. The most important thing is to not lose your cool and flip out. However, using his advances towards your date could turn into an opportunity for you. As he talks and talks, casually ask him where his date is, since he's such a romantic. Tone of voice is extremely important in that statement. If it comes off as aggressive, Rico's winning. If you say it in a curious manner, the surprise may throw Rico off.

Smart-Ass
Often malicious, usually aggressive, the Smart-Ass will irritate you. The most skilled Smart-Ass will turn everything you say against you - either making you look like a jerk or making you look stupid. Either way, this is not a good thing. The best defense against a Smart-Ass is to be a bigger Smart-Ass. While this comes naturally to some people, others need to train an ear to listen for a good come back. A bad comeback will make you look stupid. The Smart-Ass will most likely not take your girl away, but will make you look dumb enough that she won't be calling you back next weekend. If you can't beat him at his game, plead ignorance- don't give him any kind of leverage at all.

The Music God
The Music God splits into two kinds: instrument God and music knowledge God. Sometimes, The Music God is both. He will try his best to wow your date with his musical knowledge or know-how. Be careful- sometimes this actually works. While most women won't be impressed by someone touting how great he is at guitar or how well he knows Lynyrd Skynyrd's discography, some will be awed. Especially by the musicianship. Usually, the best thing you can do is engage the Music God in conversation. The main focus is to take his focus away from your date. Sometimes, if you're quick enough, you can make the Music God look like a fool, I mean seriously, who uses "I play guitar" as a pick up line anyways?

Soldier Boy
He's a military man. He loves the military and the military loves him. He's fearless and strong! He's a lot like Meat Head, but he has some kind of tough guy resume. While he may never have been in combat, he's seen it all. They're tougher than nails and they'll take anyone down, including you. They'll usually be loud and obnoxious, with no fear what so ever of the consequences. I mean, with all of their training, they can take down anyone in the bar, including the black-belt bouncer and the bartender with the baseball bat. At the same time. It is usually pretty hard to ignore them, or make them look dumb. Why? Because no matter what you say, they will retort with something military related. Not everyone in the military is like this - usually Soldier Boy is a recruit or someone who plans on going into the military sometime soon. Sometimes the best thing to do with them is befuddle them with political and opinion questions. If you confuse them, you've won.

Sad Bastard
He can't win. He always loses, and he usually comes out after a bit of alcohol and reminiscing. His goal is to get sympathy from your date - she'll feel bad and hang on him like he deserves it. The Sad Bastard never, ever wins. He's more of an annoyance than a threat. So, what is the best way to fend off a guy who has nothing to lose? Think happy thoughts. And convey the happy thoughts. Get any and all focus away from the Sad Bastard. If you can perk up your date's night, you'll most likely hear from her again.

I'm going to admit, this list isn't complete. These are the most common "That Guys" I've experienced in State College, Pennsylvania. I know there are more types, and if I ever ran into them, I would explain them. Sometimes, "That Guy" falls into more than one of these categories, or will go through each one as if it were a stage. For example, a Meat Head and a Soldier Boy often carry similar traits and "That Guy" will be both. Or, "That Guy" will first be a Meat Head, then move on to Soldier Boy, and then, after some drinks, become the Sad Bastard. In most cases, as I've said before, if you keep your cool, you can win the day and keep your date around for a bit longer.

One thing you might want to watch out for is becoming a "That Guy." Usually, this happens after a break up or extreme emotional distress. Best thing to do is to never talk to someone who is obviously with someone else.