How to Escape Those Pesky Hangers-On

Whether you are a famous actor, musician, doctor with obsessive female patients, or Senator who neglects to pay taxes, one things for sure: You definitely want to be left alone.

I''ve compiled a list of techniques that, when used in a continuous sequence, will net you plenty of quiet afternoons. Afternoons that can be spent laying in a hammock, staring up at that shiny, yellow orb most people call the Sun(I used to refer to it as Jesus Nipple).

Think out loud. Talk to yourself, and answer your own questions as much as humanly possible. Don't stop there. It's important to convey a sort of Jekyll and Hyde mentality. Disagree certain statements, and argue with yourself in public. If you're into physical comedy, fight with your imaginary doppelganger while you're at it.

Remember, it's a fine line between insanity and genius. You want people to THINK you are a little unstable. The last thing you want is to go overboard and confirm their thoughts. Try and come to a compromise or resolution with yourself before someone alerts an authority figure, and the nice people holding the white straitjacket come to pick you up.

Develop an alternate personality. Unlike the previous tip, this one does not involve over elaborate acting or mime expertise. Just create an alternate you, and do whatever others would considered to be abnormal for the normal you to do(or something like that)

It works for rappers. Most of them think up an alternate name to use on stage and don't go any further with it. Some actually adopt a completely different persona to go alone with their pseudo names. If you're having a hard time thinking of things to do as the alternate you, just say to yourself "What would Slim Shady or Rip the Jacker do?"

Perhaps the easiest way to get rid of needy pests is to beam the affection scud mission back in their general direction. Yeah, it's the most obvious thing is the world. If you want annoying people to leave you alone, you go out of your way to let them know how much you appreciate their existence and presence.

Do you have to mean it? Nah, faking it is just fine. All you have to do is follow the follower around as they would normally do with you. Smother them with attention, and they will eventually begin to distance themselves from you.

At the end of the day, it's a win win for both parties. You no longer have an unneeded sidekick, and they are forced to stand on their own two feet, and not live beneath you're proverbial wing. There comes a time when all baby birds must grow up and leave the nest. Some of them just need a kick in the rear end to get them on their way.