How to Have an Extramarital Affair

If you're in the market for having an extramarital affair, then there are probably a few things you should know in order to keep yourself from ever being discovered. Affairs can be a very tricky kind of situation to get involved in, but if you're bound and determined to take a bit of a jaunt on the other side of the fence to see how green the grass is, then these are the secrets to having an affair without ever being caught.

First of all, it really helps if you're married to a complete idiot.
Since you can't necessarily control the intelligence level of another person, there are some nifty song and dance routines that you can pull in order to achieve the same effect of natural idiocy. In order to have a successful extramarital affair, whether it be a long-term thing or a one-night-stand, you're going to have to become pretty versed in the art of double talk. You're also going to have to be smart enough to avoid the trip ups that normal people make when they try to engage in extra-marital activities.

Don't do anything stupid like use your credit card for hotel room charges or fancy dinners.
It's a good idea to start a separate pile of cash to use if the opportunity arises, and make sure not to keep any receipts. Make it a point to clean out your pockets or purse before you return home just to make sure you haven't accidentally forgotten something that could be used as evidence.

Watch out when using your cell phone when making calls you'd rather not be discovered.
If you insist on using your cell phone to talk to your lover, then I advocate going with a paperless option if your cell phone provider offers it, and paying your bill strictly online. However, even this option has drawbacks, since an itemized copy of the bill is available if your spouse happens to have the username and password. Along the same lines, if you use your cell phone, make sure to take full advantage of the "erase call" feature to help cover your tracks.

Whatever you do, don't join a gym in order to spend time out of the house.
That's the oldest story in the world - and it will get you busted every single time. Instead, try something a little less obvious and send your spouse on a spa vacation, or maybe advocate a fishing trip with his friends. By getting rid of them, not only do you free yourself up to do whatever you want, but you also look like the most supportive spouse in the entire world!

Stay out of public places at all costs.
The law of averages says that as soon as you feel comfortable enough to have dinner in a public place, no matter how far you are away from home, you'll bump into someone you know - or worse - someone who knows your spouse. If you do find yourself in a situation where you are "caught", never plead guilty to doing anything more than what you were caught doing. In most cases, it's best to do take defensive measures and start putting yourself in the place you were spotted. Things like "you'll never guess who I ran into..." will save you a lot of explaining if your spouse's friend or family member makes a phone call.

Never admit to anything.
Never, ever, NEVER under any circumstance "come clean". Having an extramarital affair is something that can not only destroy lives, but reputations as well. So no matter how bad it gets, always plead innocent. The only exception to this is if your spouse happens to be holding photographic proof of your infidelity. However, if you followed the first guideline, and married a complete idiot, then there's probably a way to talk yourself out of that one as well.

Choose your partner wisely.
The best advice that can be given in having an extramarital affair is who you're having the affair with. If you're extramarital affair is strictly recreational, I'd advocate never having it with someone who is single. Single people have far less to lose if the situation were to turn sour, and will likely be more than willing to turn against you. So, if you're out shopping for that special friend, try to pick someone who is also married. Not only do they have as much at stake as you do, but they'll be far more likely to understand the "rules" of not getting caught.

For the sake of simplicity, never fall in love.
If you find that you're getting a little too close to your special friend, then you need to consider ending the relationship. When you begin to involve real emotions in something that was otherwise just supposed to be a run through the fields, you risk a lot of pain and suffering for a lot of people. Also, be aware of your lover's feelings as well, if you realize that they are starting to feel a little too invested in your extra-curricular relationship - the best bet is to pull the plug. It might be a shame, but in the end, it's better than a lot of other alternatives.

Basically, it's not that difficult to have an extramarital affair and get away with it completely. As long as you're stealthy, smart, and know how to lie without blinking, then you're a shoe-in for a life of infidelity bliss.