How to Get Extreme Makeover Home Edition to Fix Your Home
First, make a teary, overly emotional video-tape (preferably with sobbing kids either side of you on a pee-stained couch) and submit it to the teary-eyed folks at Extreme Makeover Home Edition. This video is going to have to contain a sob story of some description in order to give you a decent chance of home-fix heaven. It is preferable to have as many kids as possible and a spouse, who, if not dead, is as close to the hereafter as possible. If your spouse is still living, you might like to think about ridding yourself of their useless ass in an effort to bring this scenario to fruition.
Next, you should have one of your children fail in school or at least have a learning disorder of some kind. One of the more difficult tasks may be to try and rally your neighborhood behind you to the point that they're not going to hate your guts for getting a free home makeover while they are still stuck living in their respective shit-holes. Yes well, good luck with that. Once on the show itself you will hopefully be able to well up with tears at the drop of a hat once the obligatory shrine to the departed has been nailed to some wall or other within the house.
You will have to be able to feign surprise when after having recorded and sent in a video-tape message of your self asking for help you then hear a 6-ton bus drive up outside your house. Unless your run-down crack-den is a tourist attraction then it is most likely the teary-eyed 'Extreme Makeover' team there to re-do your house. The i.n.c.r.e.d.i.b.l.y. annoying host/carpenter/DUI specialist 'Ty Pennington' will shout at you from the truck and it is at this point that you should do your best to make a white-trash dash to greet him. If you are a family of color then just choose your trashiest run and go for it.
Let me just end by saying that I used to enjoy 'Extreme Makeover' when it first started. The designers, carpenters etc. used to have real conflicts of design and opinion regarding how the house should look. They would at times fight and voices would be raised during the reconstructive process. But now the overdose of saccharine sentimentality that spews out through my television screen is so thick with 'Little House on the Prairie' gut-wrenching earnestness........icity!? that it's hard to bear.
OK: Stop. Those people reading this thinking that I am some hard-boiled nasty, jealous spiteful type spouting my rhetoric, calm yourselves. I'm presenting a fake scenario. I by no means believe that people fake spousal demise or disease ridden offspring. If I do have some maliciousness going here it's more towards the emotional - by-the-books tear-jerking producers of this show who have turned it from a show that used to have some merit to what has now become a formulaic, lack-luster exercise in passive TV. Most of the people whose homes are redone certainly deserve a break, it's more about how that break is being presented to us, all tied up in a big pink bow.
Published by Mark Carter
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56 Comments
Post a CommentMy name is Kamryn. My grandfather died about 4 months ago from cancer. I lived with him and my grandmother. My grandmother is about 50 something and I love her. When my grandfather was still here he wouldnt clean up the house, or clean up after himself, so the house would get really nasty. My house has roaches in it because of how nasty my grandfather would make it. He couldnt clean up after himself so you cant blame him for it. Its only my grandmother and me that live in the house it is a decent house. My mom did live here but she is in jail now. She will be getting out in about 3 months. My grandmother gets sick alot. She wont go to the doctoer though. I have a DHS women that comes to my house every month she will start in April I really do not want them to take me from my grandmother. I have lived here sense i was 5 and I love it. If they take me they will put me with a foster home I do not want to go to a foster home. I just want to live in a house that can be big enough for my mom(untill she gets back on her feet, my grandmother, and me. We have two cats and one of them are really old and he has to use a cat box, I know that most cats do but he use to be able to go outside and it didnt make the house stink as much but now it does really bad. We cant get rid of the cat because we have had him forever. Our house has 4 bedrooms and 1 bathroom. Our toliet is broke and right now my grandmother dont have the money to fix it so we have to use a bucket to flush the toliet. I dont want to live like this anymore and I dont want my grandmother to either. Please Please help us. Our number is 601-936-9806 and addrress is 204 south fox hall rd. Pearl, MS please please help I know that there is not alot of people in my house but I cry every day because of how bad the house is. Lord just please help us.!
hi my name is kiyonna and i relly need help my grandfather died and my grandma wont move out the house so in need help for her house to get a makeover couting on u he house is relly mesed up [lese help us she cant do it by herselft ps.i watch your show i love it
my mom and my dad got divorsed when i was 7 years old. I cant stand being away from here. Me and my sisters went with her and about 6 mounths later we had to leave her i was heart broken and my mom has epalepsy and seizures this is her adress 60911 hwy41 sout lot5 macon,G.a.31210 so if you help her that would be so amazing thank you so much.Here is her number 478-973-4903 and her boyfriends is 478-973-4484. Please call. Thank you so much!!!
im a police officer and father of two my wife pastaway at 23 my two year old was 3 mths old when she past the house we owned and fixing up cant live in due to water damage and is falling in so we had to move into my mom and dads house and their is no room for that
Hi,I have been hoping you could come to my house because we have two mericles one of them is our dog [Kiwi] she can't walk so my mom every once and a wile my mom tales her outside on my moms back, my family and I are hoping you could give her seargiry [ if we go on a trip] so she could walk/run again because she dreams about running.
Our other miricle is our other dog [Fox] his eye one day jest turned red so we took him to the vet and blochoma, and in 2010 his eye turned this green color the same thing blochoma and when Fox hadthe green eye he had another vet and the vet said he wouldn't live that long, but he did. Even though it's not a person it's still a part of family. Another mericle that would happen is YOU came to our house I think your amazing, all ways love your show, from and allways Arionna and family.
i needed someone to fix my house in douglas arizona 1510 E 9th street you can emil ..
Saamaantta.Olmoos@hotmail.com
hi my name is tiffany. my mom just got out of a bad relationship she is raising 5 kids and a grandson on her on. our house is falling apart and theres ghost in the house and every time my nephew goes to sleep he cryes cause it is always cold. every time my mom comes home from work i can just see the tiring and sadness in her eyes and just heats me to see her like that. every night i pray that someday you guys would come to our house and build a new,warmth,healthy house.also every night i can hear my mom crying herself asleep saying please come and build us a new house and it makes me cry cause i hate hearing her cry,and it hearts my heart cause im not there for her that much.it would mean a lot to me if you guys would come. Please Come. i live in clinton missouri, my address is 387 and the street is franklin
i love your show.its my favorite show i watch.its a happy show,sad,loving,and good for everyone to watch.if you came to my house.if you looked at the outside of the house you wuoldn`t think it was to bad,but it is underneath.i think we have termites.my mom had them last year.she called a exterminator to get rid of them.on the inside of the house we havebedroom floors that are about readt ti sink to the ground.thyis house will be lucky to make it another year.please come see us.mrs kelly dineen baser.my phone # is (217)423-9959,&my address is 3570 east fitzgerald road decatur,illinois 62521.please call,or stop by anytime....................
i just found out my mother-in-law has fluid on her lungs.i don`t know how much more of this i can take.my phone# is(217) 423-9959,&my address is 3570 east fitzgerald road.i wish things could just be good,and normal for a change.good-luck in everything you do.i love your show.i cry every time.talk to you later.mrs. kelly d. baser.....................................
i`ve watched your show.i just love it.well.i grew-up in decatur,illinois.just about 16 years ago me&my husbands house burnt down.we moved in with my mother-in-law.that was lucky.because if we would of been home the time of the fire we would of been dead.i cried because we had to go back to square 1.i thank my mother-in-law a lot.because if it wasn`t for her.i don`t know what we would of did.my mother-in-law is on oxygen.she doesn`t breath that good.she deserves a lot better.she doesn`t go anywhere.we have a 3 bedroom house,and its to small with 6 people.we use to have 7 people.we also need more bedrooms,and bathrooms.it would be nice to have a garage too.so we could fix our vehicles when they break-down.i just want it to be better for all of us around here.please come see for yourself.then you`ll believe me.you can reach me at 217 423-9959.our address is 3570 east fitzgerald road decatur,illinois 62521.