How to Fall in Love...With Your Spouse

You've been with your sweetie for five years, ten years or maybe twenty years or even longer. You're very comfortable together - so comfortable, in fact, you are practically ignoring each other and, certainly, taking each other for granted. All formalities have fallen by the wayside as have good manners and, if the truth be told, you are no longer very considerate of each other.

It's pretty safe to say you're not "in love" anymore. Would you like to be? Wouldn't you enjoy that delicious, wonderful feeling you had when your relationship was new? Just think what that would do for your marriage, for your outlook, for your life. You don't have to go out and find a new partner to feel that way again. Finding that lovin' feeling again will require some effort but is easier than you think.

1. Think about your early days together. Remind your spouse of special memories from that time. Look at old pictures and mementos. If your spouse is not responsive, continue these activities by yourself, including your partner whenever possible. Be patient. It was a wonderful time, and he/she no doubt has some treasured memories which you may be able to trigger.

2. Forget traditional "romance". A candlelit dinner, flowers, or a new negligee will be obvious, forced and, perhaps, even suspect. There are so many other ways to show your spouse you care: Make liver and onions (a meal which you detest) for dinner because you know he loves it. Get her the latest issue of that magazine she likes but only buys occasionally because she thinks it's too expensive. Take out the garbage without being reminded. Mow the lawn when he's having a stressful week at the office even though it's "his" job. When you get up to go to the bathroom while watching tv, ask her if there's anything you can get her while you're up.

3. Practice the art of conversation. A few grunts at the end of the day does not create a stimulating relationship. You've known your spouse for a very long time, but do you really know how he feels about the presidential candidates, the new farm bill, or global warming? (If you don't know enough about current events to even begin a discussion, it's time you started educating yourself.) You may find your spouse's responses interesting...and surprising.

4. Send a message to your spouse when you are apart. Whether you send it by email, text it, leave a message on the answering machine, or stick a post-it in his wallet, he will know you're thinking of him. The message doesn't have to state your feelings. It could be as simple as inquiring about what he might like for supper or saying you hope the (insert name of favorite sports team here) win their big game.

5. Start making eye contact. Life is hectic, and there are many demands on our time. It becomes very tempting to just go through the motions in our every day lives. Your challenge is to live in the moment, to look up from the morning paper, and notice your spouse. She still has that beautiful curly hair you just had to touch, and he has those piercing blue eyes that caught your attention across a crowded room all those years ago.

6. Make physical contact. I'm not talking about sex, but rather holding hands, rubbing his arm, touching her cheek, hugging, cuddling in bed, and sitting next to each other on the couch as you watch the latest movie from NetFlix. Physical closeness makes us feel good, and it makes us feel close.

7. Use good manners with your spouse. Manners should be practiced not only with strangers, but also at home. After all, doesn't your life partner, father of your children, etc., etc., deserve at least as much respect as your hair stylist or dentist? If you're one of those people who asks your spouse to pull your finger or belches to signify you've enjoyed your meal, stop it right now. Talk about a romance killer!

All the recommendations listed above are things people normally do when they are in the first bloom of love. What I'm really saying to do is "act" as if you are in love and soon you will recapture that "in love" feeling.

Now you may be wondering how "acting" has the power to change how you feel. If you read any of the tabloid magazines or watch the entertainment-oriented news shows, you can easily observe the power of acting. Two actors who may not even know each other are thrown together to star in a film. They are not exactly in a romantic environment with the bright lights and cameras all around, and the crew, directors and other actors watching their every move. However, they are instructed to look lovingly into each other's eyes, to treat each other tenderly and/or passionately, to shut the rest of the world out, and to act as if they are in love. Their livelihood depends upon their portrayal of lovers being believable. Have you ever noticed that often the actors are so convincing that soon they are really in love, with their relationship lasting long after filming has ended?

Will taking these actions save a failing relationship or overcome problems such as a spouse's substance abuse or infidelity? No. Will these steps take a basically good marriage that has lost its luster and restore it to its former glory. Maybe.

Image what could be and make the effort. Isn't your marriage worth it?